how can you shake memories??

Hi everyone I am new here. I'm just wondering how do you shake memories that you want to forget and cant? I get them everyday almost all day there hasnt been a day go by yet that I dont get them. And asshamed as I am to admit this, I really need to cause I need help and some advice. I just do not want to go to a psych or counslor and such. I just want the thoughts to go away. " When I was 9 I was that darned little R word fallowed by 2 vowels and a consonant. I was so disgusted this was happning to me. I am still sickend by it. I want to forget that it had ever happened. But what made matters worse way worse! The man who raped me was degrading me as much as he could had possaible done. He talk about how white woman are for black mens sexual entertainment. He took his damn fukkin time at going over what STDS are and what AIDS/HIV is and made sure that when he was done explaining it to me that I known what he explained me, he called that his pre rape quize. He asked some questions and he made me answer I didnt want to but he told me till answer I am not going anywhere. I like an idiot answerd. That is when he told me that he was infected with AIDS and is going to give me HIV. Which lead to him explaning to me what HIV is and how many symptoms it has and he went over what each symptom is. And them told me that he is going to have sex with me and that he is going to infect me with it. So the idiot went about doing what he said he would do. When he was done he told me that I have HIV and that it will soon turn into AIDS and I will be sick and that I'll die. ok. I was 9 when that happened. I never did tell. I couldnt. I was so scared of dying and being that sick. Well when I was 15 I went to the doctor, and asked for a blood test for HIV OR AIDS. I started getting a really terrible terrible cough, and I seen a TV commercial about meds that slow HIV from turning into AIDS, and I thought I neeed that and that they would help. Well 2 weeks went by and the doctor called me telling me that the HIV anti-body test came back negative. I was thinking how can that be there must be something wrong, and that I need to get on the damn meds this cough was litterly killin me. ok... There was a clinic in school at the wellness center, and they offered rapid HIV/ AIDS testing by a few blood drops. ok. Well that came back negative too. I was crying my eyes out, I wanted to tell someone I WAS RAPED AND THE MAN HAD AIDS AND HE GAVE IT TO ME!!! I wanted to yell at them how comes them tests arent saying I have the STD?!?!? !!!! I wanted them to find I had it so they can treat me.. ok. Well when I was 16, I asked my doc for another test. DAMN THING CAME BACK NEG ..... AGAIN!!! ahrrrrrr. She said that if its been under 3 months that I was possaible exposed to the virus that I should come back 3 months after for a more accurate reading and that after 6 months its 99% correct. I decided to ask her what about if its over a year? ok. Her said that anything over a year is 100%. antibodies dont take long to show in most people some take longer blah blah, but after a year they show no matter what. THE DARN THING IS!! I thought I had HIV for almost 7 years, everyday checking for symptoms, oral thrush and so on 7 damn years! dONT GET ME WRONG. I am so happy that I dont have it. But now there isnt a day or even 3 hours that go by where I dont think what is he was telling the truth about it. I would have aids now. Later found out the cough was cause of ciggies. I also feel guilty and wrong that I didnt tell on him, cause he might do that to someone else, I couldnt tell on him though, shameed to low so dehumanized and embarrassed. Still am. I feel so dirty and low. And I know he raped someone else, cause I seen him in the dover post as a regested sex offender 2007, and I track that on watchdog offender, and he is out now. He didnt really get any time in jail. Its a shame. I am sorrry iI just need to ask some questions now please help by answering.

1. Why cant I stop thinking about, Id have HIV now if he told the truth and still search my mouth and boy for symptoms?
"
2. Why do I feel so dirty?
"
3. Will I ever feel clean again?
"
4. Is there anyway to feel less ashamed around men so I can actually look at them instead the floor or break eye contact every few seconds?
"
5. Why does it feel so dehumanized and shameful?
"
6. Why do I feel so asshamed to tell anyone what happened?
"
7. If I do tell someone will they think I am nasty?? Guys please answer this is any guy reads this question?
"
8. Will it always feel like this?

I am only 20 and I dont want to do anything, i just feel so fed up with everyone and everything, I dont trust men, there are so many woman who are raped and report it, and there are tons of woman who are raped and dont repist it. So many men rape, how till I know if I am dating a rapist someone that raped someone before, I dont want to date a rapist, how can I find out??
I just needed to let this out tonight sorry for wasting your alls time but any adive PLEASEEEEEE?!?!?!?!!!!

hi okiedokie,

I am happy for that you don't get any HIV or AIDS. You are god blessed. Well don't worry about any inner problems. Well i am posting here your answers.

Questions you posted, answers are give below:

1. You can't think in positive way, because that MAN had tried to pscyh-out you, may be he wanted to make you mentally sick. But, you see the result you have no disease or HIV, so don't worry talk to close ones. friends, or try out this site. You need to talk to someone else. Just this.

2. There is no need to feel dirty, you know. Just think good, Only good. Think in this way, you are living normal life. You will feel useless in starting, but when you start trying these things, you will get ok.

3. Yes, you can and you are destined for it to clean your thinking. Every one has to clean their thinking.

4. Every men are not supposed to bad ones. So don't take them bad if you really know their fact.

5. Because that GUY didn't get any jail, so its a shame of society. But don't forget he will get punishment from nature. Because he had done serious crime, that should never be excused at all.

6. Well, i am here and i don't think that it is nasty. I am sure there are people who can understand you, sooner you will find them on this site. YOU ARE NOT NASTY AND YOU ARE GOOD PERSON.

7. I am saying forget whatever happened with you, just start your new life, with new good thinking. Hope, it may help you.


See, you will get whatever you had thought in your mind. So, it is obvious, that you need to think in good manner, so you can get the things you desired.

Queries are welcome!

Hey hon, I posted in your other thread.... hang in there

thanks

like i said in your other post dont tell no one about it is ur best bet. i wouldnt date no one who hhad that happen to them specially with the aids scare.. i mean it isnt ur fault. but it is kinda foul.. and also yur a single mother. i dont like kids, and the whole thing you wrote, uh-uh nope sorry. and the fact he was black alone would gross out most white men, if you tell them you was raped . dont talk about the aids scare or that he was of a different race.