I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be at 36 ... my God, not even close.
Seems everything had been downhill within months of meeting 'him'. Though we broke up nearly a year ago, I'm still paying dearly for the relationship I feel.
Not only was the relationship an unhealthy one for myself and my boys (ages 14/15 and now 19), but I lost my home, my car and a great job all because of the stupid choices I'd made.
Admittedly, I don't seem to be making choices any better as I go.
I'm at a really bad place in my life and have been for a while. The past several months have truly been a series of tests for all of us.
I hope this is alright and I don't overwhelm or bore you - or worst, make you think I've lost it but I'm just gonna tell you what's going on in my life, because I'm pretty desperate for some unbiased advice ``
The last lunch 'he' and I shared together was approx the 15th of May. We went to that Mr. Sub place and had ... what else ... subs of course. The conversation was normal it seemed, nothing seemed 'weird', etc. We were sharing the van that day (that he had traded my Blazer for) and he dropped me off, with the usual kiss, kiss, love you $#%^. He asked me when I was off, I said 6 - and he said he'd see me then, meaning he'd be picking me up.
A few hours later, my son called to tell me that he returned to a half empty place and that 'he' had again moved out. Yes, he'd done this to me before. He and I had a very unhealthy relationship, him messing around, bullying me and/or the boys (his son included) and he had in fact, a reputation for always behaving the way he did. 'He' also had a thing for young girls, though I chose not to believe that stuff ... you know what so many women are like when meeting any man we're really attracted to, or shows us that attention.
Anyway, when I returned home that day ... the boys informed me that nearly all of their clothes were gone, the fridge was empty, both vehicles were gone, my account drained and some furniture was missing. Nothing I could do about any of it ... the worst part of it in my opinion, was that I had no way to contact him at all because he'd left the cell phone behind.
I remember borrowing my grandfathers truck that night ... driving really fast, gripping the steering wheel as hard as I could and just SCREAMING at the top of my lungs. I swear I thought my life was over.
Randomly, over the next few days he'd call or visit and just pick at me ... wanting to know what I've been doing, who I've been talking to, etc .. weird $#%^, just to keep tabs on me maybe? I always got the impression that he didn't want me, he just didn't want anyone else to have me. You know if there is one thing I've learned it's when a man continuously accuses you of running around, being sneaky, etc that THEY are the ones doing it.
I spent my days crying and scared to death that I wasn't gonna be able to make it on my own ... and going half crazy because he just wouldn't leave me alone. Two days passed that we hadn't spoken, yet he continue to show up, then spin off, etc ... God, how can I explain this better?
I was so hurt ... I wanted desperatly to hurt him, so ...
Long story short, I met up with his best friend. Parked my car behind a local business, went for a drive for a bit - um ... he sat in the seat, I hopped on, then hopped off.
I know it was bad and so completely out of character for me. He had his reasons for doing it too ... 'he' (my ex) if anything, has many many enemies and people (even so called friends) that are just looking for the chance to 'get back' at him it seems.
Well. When I got home at approx 1-1:30 am, 'he' was sitting in the driveway. He told me right away to get into the van or he'd put me into the van. Knowing him the way I do, I did. He starting yelling at me, asking who I'd been with, what his name was, etc. He didn't stop his shouting until we got to a little side road that was off the highway he pulled in, turned off the van, slid my seat backwards and semi-knelt in front of me. He kept screaming, 'who were you with' and screaming like I've never seen ... his eyes, his eyes were like I've never seen. He pulled my pants down to my knees, stuck his face into my crotch in attempt to 'smell', he then pushed his fingers into me hard, honestly felt like his whole hand. I was crying at this point ... I made up a name, I had to I was afraid honestly and didn't know what to do, just to get him to stop. He just kept getting rougher it seemed, started saying things 'you're gonna find out what it's like to have 2 cocks in you in one night' and stuff like that. At some point, he either pushed the back of the seat back OR it broke, I can't be sure of which it was ... wrapped one hand tightly around my throat and pushed himself into me. This is someone that held me weeks ago made me feel protected and now this ...
So humiliated and embarrassed. The RCMP asked why I waited and that's what I told them ... that I was ashamed, embarrassed. I'd thought about it long and hard and I wondered, am I being a cry baby, am I over re-acting, etc. Of course I thought of my kids, I don't want them to have to go through anything because of it.
That was nearly 11 months ago, and I just gave a video statement to the RCMP approx 9 weeks ago. Yes, they have laid sexual assault charges. He has done too many things to too many people and he can't get away with everything anymore. The incident has been interfering with my daily living, I've become very angry, emotional, etc.
It's so hard to sum up ones life all in one letter.
I'm scared because this is a very small community, not that others wouldn't believe me ... just that I'll be looked at, made fun of or ... who knows.
His court date is June 1st, but knowing him the way I do - he'll likely plea not-guilty.
God. I just can't wait till this is all over ...
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