I'm New: In need of something I have not yet done.

Don't know where to start don't really know what to say. I was raped in June, exactly a month and four days after my high school graduation. 50% of the time I blame myself for being so naive and stupid and the other 50% I blame the two navy guys I had never met. Before I get into anything and tears blur my vision I guess I'll tell why I am hear. And why I seeked out help online.
Well...as I'm sure many of you know, the legal system suchs and my case was dismissed along with myself. I slowly was dropped off the face of the earth and never heard of again. Even my victims advocate, who always acted like the good one, the knight and shining armor...well she too eventually stopped returning my phone calls. After being so rudely treated by the deputy I wanted to give up a long time ago but was pushed by my parents and friends. The case was acquited when the two guys passed LIE DETECTOR TESTS. YEP...even all of the physical evidence and bleeding and bruses didn't matter. Just because in there sick twisted minds they didn't think they did anything wrong...they got away. I said No too many times to count. I told them I didn't want to be there and that I didn't want to do that. I asked them to stop, that I wanted to go home. I cried. And eventually after an hour of distress I gave in, gave up...I felt so helpless. I laid back on the picknik table turned my head to the left and watched the rain fall down. I remember the sound my teeth made inside my head from clattering together. Rain just poured down on me and it was so cold I shivered but seemed to not care. The darkness surrounded me and though I had disasousiated hours before, I still knew what loneliness felt like. I'll never forget how lonely I felt, I never felt so alone in my whole entire life. All I could think of was I wish I was at home with my mom right now. Why couldn't I have just stayed home. How cruel and inhuman does someone have to be to do that to someone...and then say it was consentual. The sencond guy even covered up my face...probably because it bothered his conscience...bastard. I hope he goes to hell and burns forever. I've never been able to laugh the same...I'm so angry and i get ticked off so easily. I tried to join a rape support group through the sherrifs department but they stopped returning my phone calls...they calls would just slowly stop coming and then end all together. I imagine they do this to all of there rape victims that they don't make money off of. It's so wrong. It drives me crazy. I don't want to have to talk about this...i want to stuff it deep deep down inside of me and never remember it ever again. I want to become bitter and shallow. And forget all the love that has ever embraced me. I want to die...................Because living hurts too much.

You should not to blame yourself for what happened, you are the victim and you are a woman, and so unfortunately, very unprotected given a wrong place and time. I would like to say that it would be a nice idea to carry one of those electric shock devices in your purse or one of those sprays, just to be on the safe side from now on and to feel protected.

yeah, I actually have started carrying mase with me. But I just think it's so sad that a woman, or anyone for that matter has to succumb to that.

Hey Hun,

I'm so sorry that this happened to you, and that things were just dismissed in your case, that is terrible. I've been raped as well, so I know how that feels even though my circumstances were different.

But one thing that you must do is seek professional help and get yourself into therapy.

You said that you just buried it that you just want it to go away and to forget about it. But you can't do that, it wont work trying to bury it, it is always going to come back and haunt you. You can't run from this kinda thing. I wish I could tell you that you can run from it but it's impossible. I was in therapy for 8 yrs dealing with past abuse at the hands of my ex that was sexual (including a rape), mental, physical, emotional and verbal, I also was sexually assaulted/theatened/harrassed by 8 other guys through the years of 1996-2001....Even though at those times that all that happened I didn't realize that what I went through was wrong.

Therapy has done wonders for me. For many many years (likely past 8 yrs) I was plauged with PTSD symptoms, it took over my life. I always felt guilt, shame, fear and I felt that these sensations my body was going through would never go away. Those were my flashbacks. I didn't have the playback like a movie in flashbacks that are common in survivors, I didn't see anything when that happened I did however feel it in my body and later learned it was called body memories, and that was a flashback as well.

Dealing with this was really hard! I still get triggers, body memories and the odd dreams, but it's considerably less since I was able to learn how to cope with this. And let go, and by doing that I hard to learn to say that I regret that this happened to me, all of it. It wasn't my fault, i've said no. I've become paralyized in some instances, I froze, but just because I didn't voice it some of the other times it wasn't my fault, I was not in the wrong. They knew it wasn't right but they hurt me anyways.

Therapy is the way to go hon. Learn to cope, learn grounding tecniques, know that you aren't to blame.

2 books have also helped me deal with all of this.. they are..

Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence, from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror
Author: Judith Herman

Body Remembers: The Psychophysiology of Trauma and Trauma Treatment
Author: Babette Rothschild

I really hope you go and seek help that's the only way you'll be able to move past this. And you will. If I can so can you. Be strong, get the help and don't let them win with this. Take your control back. That's what I did and i've PTSD free for the past 6 months now?
I still have reminants of PTSD now but i'm ok with that. I can deal with it and understand it. Because I know now that I will always have triggers etc, and i'm learning to deal with it as they come... (read my post: I have a choice- in the PTSD thread?)

I am currently in therapy but for other reasons, however I do talk about the rape and it helps. Though my therapist isn't a rape therapist and sometimes I don't tihnk she knows how to deal with my anger and everything I go through. Because I originally went to her for PTSD due to my past neglect of my father and emotional and verbal abuse. But that's all very different then what she is dealing with me now.
I also have "body memories" I suppose. I just never knew what they were called until I read you post. I sometimes though I was just freaking out or seriously loosing my mind. It's terrifing for me to read you replies and see that you have gone through all of this for YEARS. Even though what you went though was more broader then my own, I'm fearful that it all just won't end as soon as I hoped. Sometimes I wish it would just take one good trip to one good therapist and everything would be over. But i know it doens't work like that.
This forum has already helped me so much. Getting out and reading through other peoples experiences helps me realize that i'm not alone and in no way was I ever alone. Although the feeling is there and may not go away. I know that I have some where to turn to. Thanks to all.

Anonymous wrote:I am currently in therapy but for other reasons, however I do talk about the rape and it helps. Though my therapist isn't a rape therapist and sometimes I don't tihnk she knows how to deal with my anger and everything I go through. Because I originally went to her for PTSD due to my past neglect of my father and emotional and verbal abuse. But that's all very different then what she is dealing with me now.
I also have "body memories" I suppose. I just never knew what they were called until I read you post. I sometimes though I was just freaking out or seriously loosing my mind. It's terrifing for me to read you replies and see that you have gone through all of this for YEARS. Even though what you went though was more broader then my own, I'm fearful that it all just won't end as soon as I hoped. Sometimes I wish it would just take one good trip to one good therapist and everything would be over. But i know it doens't work like that.
This forum has already helped me so much. Getting out and reading through other peoples experiences helps me realize that i'm not alone and in no way was I ever alone. Although the feeling is there and may not go away. I know that I have some where to turn to. Thanks to all.

That was all me...i have to get us to this login/logout stiff.

somebody wrote:You should not to blame yourself for what happened, you are the victim and you are a woman, and so unfortunately, very unprotected given a wrong place and time. I would like to say that it would be a nice idea to carry one of those electric shock devices in your purse or one of those sprays, just to be on the safe side from now on and to feel protected.

I don't think carrying one of those electric devices is legal you don't want to get charged with having that etc... some places mace is illegal as well but pepper spray isn't.. that's your best bet...

I am currently in therapy but for other reasons, however I do talk about the rape and it helps. Though my therapist isn't a rape therapist and sometimes I don't tihnk she knows how to deal with my anger and everything I go through. Because I originally went to her for PTSD due to my past neglect of my father and emotional and verbal abuse. But that's all very different then what she is dealing with me now.
I also have "body memories" I suppose. I just never knew what they were called until I read you post. I sometimes though I was just freaking out or seriously loosing my mind. It's terrifing for me to read you replies and see that you have gone through all of this for YEARS. Even though what you went though was more broader then my own, I'm fearful that it all just won't end as soon as I hoped. Sometimes I wish it would just take one good trip to one good therapist and everything would be over. But i know it doens't work like that.
This forum has already helped me so much. Getting out and reading through other peoples experiences helps me realize that i'm not alone and in no way was I ever alone. Although the feeling is there and may not go away. I know that I have some where to turn to. Thanks to all.

Therapy is a long process especially when dealing with this kind of thing. Your therapist likely could help you with the rape if she can help you with the past abuse and PTSD. I'm not sure if that is correct regarding your doctor... No one can just go to one appt and it all goes away, sadly it doesn't work that way. It took me 8 yrs to get where I am now. For a long time I was only getting treatment for Depression/SAD and GAD... only a couple yrs ago did I actually get the diagnosis for PTSD, even though I had it way earlier, I just didn't really talk to my psychiatrist about it... well I did but we didn't continue to deal with it until I was ready too. Now that I have a better understanding with this and how I can cope with this it is much easier. I'm still getting triggers/body memories etc, but they are considerably less then they were 5 months ago... and I also rarely have nightmares.... I'm in a wonderful relationship now for over 3 yrs..... so that's helped.

Continue what you are doing in therapy, get yourself knowledgable about this stuff, read up on it.... learn different coping methods etc... you will get where I am now.. it takes time. Maybe if your T cannot help you deal with the rape then perhaps she can reffer you to someone who can?

Are you on any meds right now? There are meds out there that can be used for PTSD, including anti-anxiety and anti-depressants....Talking about it however is the best therapy....it's hard but it works and time does heal...

i am currently on meds. I actually do take some for anti-anxiety and depression. I take about 8 different medications a day and would personally not wish to take any more, plus i feel that any more would really not do any good. I feel I have to deal on it from the inside....not from my blood stream.
And I have realized that time does heal, but I guess just in this situation i haven't fully accepted it yet. I get frustrated. because I do know that if i tuck it all away it will come back, but at the same time, I just don't want to HAVE to talk about it. Yet i know i NEED to. I confuse myself sometimes with my logic and my thoughts. I don't make much sence in my mind so i wouldn't blame you if I lose you any where amongst my rambling. I just feel i don't have to patience and i know i need to because i know it will take time and time of talking about it. but i just sooooooo wish it didn't have to take time. I wish i could find a giene in a lamp and make a wish for it to all go away. But I also know that won't happen. And thats not logical thinking. Sometimes I'll put myself in the situations that will freak me out about it just because I'm pissed off at myself. for example: my whole life I've always loved the rain, playing in it, sitting in it, dancing in it...all of it. And after I got raped, in the rain, i haven't been able to go out into the rain with out being terrified. It has almost become a phobia. Lately sometimes when it rains I'll get so pissed off at myself for letting "them" win and I'll forcemyself to go outside and sit in the rain, or I'll just walk up and down the street. When Hurricane Ivan came through I went out side before it got to rough and I walked up and down the street. It poured almost identical to the way it poured that night. I was shaking I was scared. And I just cried but it was a good cry in a way. Kind of a realease. Like, I still don't like to be out in the rain, but just facing that fear kind of helps it deep down inside. kind of my own therapy in a way.

I'm only on one medication for anxiety/depression and PTSD but now this drug is not working for me anymore so I will be switching meds soon.

It is easier to deal with once you have accepted it, and it's ok to feel frustrated you are entitled to that...

You do need to talk about it though, no matter how hard it is it needs to be done. That's the only way that you can get past this and move on from it, in time. Can't deal with it if you don't talk about it. What I do that helps me surrounding these issues is to write it down on paper, triggers, memories etc and I bring it when I go in for my next session and let my psychiatrist read it and get the ball rolling. If I didn't do that I wouldn't be able to get it out.

I think you do have the paitents for this, because you want to get better, you don't want to loose that control again, you want it back. And it does take time and you'll get that all back. You will have the paitents for it, sometimes we don't have a choice it comes down to basically accepting what happened deal with it ,and live life.. or let them still control you.. and I know that you don't want them to control your life anymore.

That is a normal thing for people who have been through rapes, assaults, abuse and put themselves into potentially dangerous situations to gain control. I've done that before....and sadly because of that almost got raped... (pretty sure he would have done that) and what not.... also I got myself into a situation but over the computer with the ex that abused me etc....

I wrote about it in the spider and the butterfly theory, not sure which thread it is in maybe i'll repost it if I didn't sticky it.

If you have done that thing before then maybe that post will help you.

If you are avoiding the rain because of what happened to you then yes it will develop into a phobia, and you will become anxiety ridden every time it rains. That needs to be nipped in the butt A.S.A.P because you don't want to devlope phobias and there for possbily develop anxiety, panic disorder or agoraphobia.

The more you face that fear and get out in the rain and remind yourself that you are ok, etc and learn to cope with it then that is a good sign.

This was the post I was reffering too

http://www.psychforums.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=3139

About the spider and the butterfly theory.