am I making a big issue about nothing?

Hi,

I just wondered what you would class the following as - what happened to me, maybe other people might have reacted differently but I am quite introverted & a shy person so maybe it felt worse because of my personailty.

I go on holiday with my sister to see a friend - I am 22, although I am very quiet person, most people think I am 16/17 because I look very young & people are sometimes shocked that I am in my 20's.

So this guy, in his 30s, with a wife & 2 cute children, unfortunately I trust him & we all get on because his values/lifestyle seem the same as our own. He seems a great guy, so karismatic, everyone loves his kind & generous nature.
I do not have a huge amount of self confidence - always wear long tops & things to cover up, i have never even had any kind of intimate relationship with a man, anyway it feels like any man I have met & that isn't really many, has hurt me/scared me in some way - usually verbal abuse - but I feel relaxed around this person & after just having an extremely soul-destroying 'friendship' with some other guy - I actually feel like i am healing from that because at least i can just speak how i like without getting my head bitten off for being a complete bull* * * * ting idiot. And I told him about him etc.
Anyway to cut a long story short - we feel safe & hes like our big brother looking after us, always checking we are ok, he always hugs everyone etc so its not like if he touches you you feel akward because he links arms with everyone etc ..
Anyway - so suddenly without warning one time - he'd asked me to help carry some stuff up to his room - I said fine, why wouldn't I? he was my friend.
So I go up & then basically he just switches from Mr nice guy - into some kind of wild animal & starts groping my breasts & also my private areas & he is very strong & I just try & bash his hands off the whole time & basically i just try & get away & he has a horrible laugh & he says that I am strong - but obviously he is stronger
But I am too shocked to say anything so in the end he just says (in a voice I never heard) he better let me go before he scares me & thats it. I don't say anything. I leave. He says nothing - I can't believe it.
Then it happens a second time the next day - this time he is stronger & he holds me from behind & grapples his way into my top & into my bra - I manage to get him off but the whole time he is is trying to grope me & thankfully I had a dress on so it was hard for him to get anywhere below very easily, he pushes 'his body' into my back & I am scared because I would not believe for a second that he would do this - so it went from one second that he was a trusted friend & then I just didn't know if the next second he would rape me - thats how much I didn't know him, I kind of asked why when i was going & that he had better not do the same to my sister, because if he did he would get a totally different reaction & he said basically he would never do that to my sister, I was 'different' - I think he could see I was scared & he said that he respected me so wouldn't sleep with me basically if I didn't want too but I shouldn't tell anyone because it would ruin anything. But had I not started that 'conversation' - I don't think there would have been any words.
I did not tell my sister & I did not wish to make a scene with him because i realised had I even started to say how dare you do that to me, I really did not know what he would do - so I made a concious effort not to be alone with him - although I just carried on being the same, pretending nothing had happened & my sister knew no different.
So then he started doing stuff to me down there with his hands in public which was in a way 'better' because at least that greatly eliminated the risk of rape - but then it was still a shock because I thought I was ok if I was not alone with him - I had to try & get him off me without anyone knowing - he did it in the car one time while someone was asleep in the back - first he kept asking what I was thinking & when I said I was just looking at the view he kept on asking me what was on my mind & was never satisfied with my answer - saying I couldn't just be thinking of nothing, then he started groping me & I was so scared incase that person woke up & saw what he was doing so I just really forcefully pushed him away. And he told me to just basically to stop fighting & let him. In the end I said will you just be quiet & he got really angry - so then afterwards I sort of said i hadn't meant to make him angry - simply because the circumstances were that the last thing I wanted was to make him more aggressive.

Anyway, sorry i have waffled on - I told nobody for nearly a year & told myself i was over-reacting & how could I even be so over-sensitive when really bad things happen to people - like children starving in africa & children that actually get raped etc
I think I was angry with myself & thought I was pathetic because I should just move on - someone came onto me, scared me ... oh, big deal.
So I blocked it but I didn't face up to it - I think in the end, I realised I was actually scared - I had a battle in my head because I had thought he was a good person but then I started not to go out for walks in the country with my dogs & I think I had a panic attack once because i felt suddenly scared & could hardly breathe & had to run home 'before i died' - & then the thing that made me realise I needed to talk was I was on my own with my brother once & he was just tired & stood behind me & put his arms around me, head on shoulder half -asleep - and I was so freaked out because I was on my own & I just was a complete mess & just had to get out of there because I was so scared he would do something. i knew he wouldn't but its horrible when you start thinking like that about your innocent sibling.

I just wanted to know do you think I am over-reacting to feel so bad, some days I feel I am & being a self-indulgent drama queen & get angry with myself, somedays I am just sad, he was one man I kind of trusted & I just feel really self-doubting like I blew everything out of the water because I was too weak to handle something that probably happens to lots of people.
I know he took advantage of me because I am kind of vulnerable - and it was not like some random guy trying it on - he was a trusted friend which made it worse. It wasn't like he started by flirting or kissing me & seeing how I reacted - one second he was a generous married man with big morals & then he was like a wild scorpion that had trapped me into his den.

Thank you .

TangleBerry wrote:I just wanted to know do you think I am over-reacting

Hell no you're not just over-reacting. The guy's a little $#%^ for doing that. Thankfully he didn't full on rape you, but that's still not just "flirting" in any sense of the word.

It might be a good idea to tell your sister about it. You never know, he might try that crap on her too. Your sister is more important than he'll ever be.

Whether you say anything or not, just stay away from the guy. He's nothing but trouble.

Hey TangleBerry,

let me reassure you that you are not overeacting at all. Sexual Assault does not have to involve penetration. I believe this trusted friend who is an adult has not only breached his responsibilities to be a trusted guardian given you confided in him, but has on top of that assaulted you. He might not see it that way, but he has.

I think it's understandable that you feel the way you do. I can see that this is having an impact on your life. If you feel your sister is someone you can trust or another family member then tell them what happened. If you don't feel you can trust them then ring a crisis line and speak to a rape crisis counsellor. They will not force you to take any legal action or make you do anything you don't want to do. Their primary concern is to support you in any way. You could also speak to a doctor, and let them know. Again they will not be forced to report it as you are an adult. The doctor can help you with feelings of panic and trauma and refer you to a good counsellor or psychologist who specialises in helping victims of sexual assault.

It can be a lot to take in I know, and hard to understand what has happened and to accept that you have been assaulted.

You are in no way to blame or no way responsible for what happened. He is.

We are here to support you if need to come back.

You are in no way over reacting, what he did was wrong and you weren't at fault. You trusted him and to have him betray you in such a way is devastating, i'm really sorry it happened. And don't feel bad for feeling bad over it, you have the right to feel as bad as anyone else does over anything in their lives whether it was "worse" than what you went through or not. Remember that also whether it was worse or not, is relitive (relative?) (don't know how to spell it). I'm trying to say that it depends on your situation and for you this was a bug thing, as it should be, so you are right to feel hurt and violated!

I agree with forensic2, try speak to someone whether it's someone you know or not, it'll help you to understand it and get to grips with it and be able to carry on with your life, not allowing this pig to have a hold of you anymore...he really doesn't deserve even knowing such a great person like you

He had no right to touch you or grab you like that ... that was sexual assault ,and he is hounded you more then once.

I think you need to tell someone about his behavior hon, he has no right to do what he did.

I've been assaulted like that more then once and it's a scary thing.....

thanks everyone for your kind comments

I know deep down that what he did was wrong, I know it wasn't my fault, just sometimes I feel stupid.

I've had the pervy advances by old men being inappropriate when I was about 16, but strangely, I reacted angrily to that - I was on my own & touched (just hips, waist etc) & kissed & 'hugged' but he wasn't totally out of control, didn't even physically restrain me & grope me like the other one did but it was easier for me to react afterwards.

I can't believe how unempowered I acted with this one.

Sorry I think I didn't say but recently I did tell my sister, which was so hard to do but in the end, I did.
He doesn't live near so he has just been in contact with us phoning etc but I have not actually seen him since - I couldn't keep pretending to my family & they still thought he was some great person, inviting him for visits etc.

The thing is, i think he did it to me because of my personality - its almost like he had been monitering my behaviour - my sister is quite volatile & expressive - I am quite quiet, so I think had he done it to her he would not have got the same reaction & I think it was the fact that I was quiet/scared that was turning him on because he was in control/felt good to be scaring me.
He knew I wouldn't run off screaming 'to tell on him' - and as things keep happening,I think that there is something in me that may be to blame - not for what happened but how I handled it afterwards. I pretend that I don't exist - so it would be horrid had it happened to anyone else but to me? who?

I think that was the hardest part, to actually say anything - because it was like admitting that it had happened. I kind of wish I had come to somewhere like this to encourage me to say something earlier.

Anyway so basically all of last year I did not even think of it - so its almost like delayed reaction, so now it feels like it just happened.

I don't have a problem talking about it now - I thought I had 'got over it' but whenever I go out, something seems to happen - I actually hardly go out & one time I was out literally for minutes on my own, I was harassed by this man (verbal) & I was extremely uncomfortable because I am not protected by my own ignorance anymore since that happened - so if I am on my own, I may have felt threatened before but now I am scared & I think that shows & makes things worse.

I always used to feel I was in my own little bubble & nobody could get me but now the bubble has burst.

Anyway, I'm sure I'll be fine! *shivers*

Hey TangleBerry,

It's good to hear from you. I see that you have started on your way to recovery. The family friend my have targeted you because as you say you were more vulnerable in his eyes or maybe not. Victims of sexual assault come in all ages, shapes sizes, gender, outgoing, timid, strong, dressed in a variety of different ways.

I guess the point I want to make is that it could have been anyone. You response to the assault, as your describe like trying to disappear is not uncommon. Lots of women do that, sort of try to be invisible or push what happened out somewhere else.

It's good that you told your sister, I hope that she is supporting you through this and not laying any blame in how you reacted. I think you did the best you could with the personal resources you had at the time and you were frightened. That's what happens when we're scared, we freeze.

I understand how you feel when you say your bubble has burst. Now you feel exposed and vulnerable. Sometimes women only self defence courses are a great way to get back some confidence about being outside. It's in a safe environment with other women who may have also been assaulted but also want to be out on their own and feel confident.

I want to encourage you to still speak to a sexual assault counsellor. They have some great strategies for helping you to cope with your thoughts, feelings and self concept.

I think your very brave and are show great courage to have told your sister. Remember you don't have to hurry up and get over this. Take small steps each day, be kind to yourself and praise yourself for having come this far.

Thanks for your reply forensic, it helps to hear voices of reason!

Yes I do agree - that anyone can be at risk from this kind of thing happening, whatever your personality.
However, I feel maybe with him & his particular character (pretending to be somebody he wasn't) - he would prefer to pick his targets more carefully.
I don't know, I'm just guessing.
The fact I was quieter of the two - maybe he reckoned he was less likely to get away with anything had he done it to my sister. My sister is an instant reactor, so i think for him - he would not have really been in control of how she would behave 'afterwards'.
Its sad that he could guess that i wouldn't make a fuss about it (afterwards) & sad that I was, in that time, his perfect victim.
I asked him did he do this to everyone, he said it was simply his way of expressing that I was beautiful & he knew I wouldn't tell anyone because he could see I was strong inside ... :-/
There was a girl, the same age as me who knew him, she wasn't really his friend, circumstance had made it so she was having to live with his family - we are in touch by email & although she has not told me anything, I wonder a lot if he has done something to her - he treated her as I imagine he would have treated me had I dared to call him into question - with total derision. I always thought it was strange that he seemed so irritated when he supposedly loved everyone else & there was nothing about her personality that matched to his views of her. I just recentley alluded to something happening to me by email as I don't see her, just incase she wanted to tell me anything - because I know how trapped I felt & I had a close family who I didn't even tell.

Anyway, enough of the waffling - the fact is - it could have been a lot worse- maybe even in the long run it will help me somehow to see aspects of my own behaviour that I can change for the better, or at least be aware of. I guess we must all react differently to what comes our way - so I think for me it is difficult because I have to face up to my own feelings 'its all about me' so that is hard - I know it sounds stupid but I feel because it happened to me, it changes things - so it would have been worse had it happened to someone else.
I don't know but I hope to learn something out of things, whether they are good or bad.

Most of my close family know because my sister has told them now.
The hardest thing is to tell somebody who has no idea. That was my sister & also someone I don't know that well, as means of an explanation - its not even that I had to give any details but I just was a total mess.

I also find peoples reactions quite hard to react back to at times because I don't want emotional fuss, I think I do want feedback as to what they think about it as a situation but not about me. Some friends who know about it, from being told - they seem to react very strongly to it & it feels like they are reacting to somebody else because they are assuming how i feel - I am greatful that they care & don't want to sound mean but at the same time, I never was one to wear my heart on my sleeve & I am not particularly ecstatic about doing that now.
I don't think I care that people know, but I also don't need to be told that the most important thing is meeee & I am so lovely & beautiful & nothing like this should ever have happened to someone like me, like i'm a little princess, hes the big bad wolf and he should be killed for making me feel this way or whatever.
And they think i feel like that but really - I am not even angry with anything,

And I'm sorry for writing so much but actually its the only way that i feel clearer, it doesn't actually feel good wallowing but i think it might help.

When I buried it, then almost a year later I was desperate to do something because I had to know whether I was wrong etc ... well now, I have realised it happened, accepted it was not my fault, actually told people - but again my brain is screaming to do something - AND NOW? ... its like I need to know something.
but whats left to know? Its over.
I feel like I am looking for something, not an answer, or an explanation & I am not sure what. I don't want to settle it down & put it to bed - I want to get it & make it do something.

And perhaps its just the fact that maybe I know I've done all the action things like realising & telling but its frustrating now that the next step is 'move on' - move where? I guess I willl be ok in time - I feel sometimes it might help to talk to someone but I don't know if I was actually to see a sexual assault counsellor, I would be making it a bigger deal to everyone & they would think I must be seriously damaged, yes I know, not that i should care.

Sorry to go on for so long, can you tell I have been in denial

Hey TangleBerry,

great to hear from you again.

I think you worked this guy out really well. This situation was very different from the situations you experienced with the "pervy old men" when you 16. this guys modus operandi, is to give everyone an image of a friendly caring great guy. Your family and you trusted him. You felt safe with him, he wasn't a stranger. So he uses this to get control of the situation, he gets close to young women by listening to them, he might even try to find their vulnerabilities and use them. Sometimes this is called grooming, grooming the victim. He then gets you into a position where he can carry out the assault, a space where it's difficult for you to get out of. Upstairs in a room away from people. They also make threats, to keep you quiet. With kids, sex offenders say if you tell, someone will take away your mom and dad, or something like that. Three times you were able to fend him off, and the last time you got really angry with him, and fearing his reaction you calmed him down. I think you did good. I think you survived.

Most people have little understanding of sexual assault. They usually think the offender is a stranger with a knife that drags someone off into the bushes. That is a myth. Majority of sex offenders are known to the family.

I understand what it feels like when all of a sudden no-one knows about it, to all of a sudden everyone seems to know about it. Especially as you say your "introverted and shy", so it's like your getting all this attention that you want but don't want

Are you still having panic attacks?, do you have flashbacks about what happened? and are you on edge around other males? Are you sleeping and eating ok?

How has this impacted on your life?

Sometimes when we have survived an event like this we want some kind of justice. We want to stand up and say this was wrong and I want something done about it, but feel like nothing can be done about it. Perhaps you are feeling like this. Or maybe you have a feeling that it would good if you could reverse the whole thing, go back, fight like mad and come away with a different set of feelings. I don't know have a think about it.

What kind of positive things would you like to come out of it? what kind of behaviour's about yourself would you like to change that is positive.

Sometimes it helps to reframe the event. You survived a physical event. Like surviving an accident, say a car skidding on the road. Rather than feel like a victim, which I think sounds a bit powerless, it can help to say, I survived a physical assault three times. Each time he was getting more angry and aggressive and I dealt with that.

You are most welcome to write here,and I hope your getting help from talking on here, no apologies needed for waffling on

Thanks very much for taking the time to reply!
... its helpful to hear.
I agree with what you say & I am very thankful I did not come into very real danger!!
I think I am ok, I don't spend much time thinking about the actual events but I think sometimes I wish I could have dealt with it differently, or faced him somehow with it.
I know I couldn't prevent it happening but I probably caused myself more damage by holding onto it ... but there you go.
The second time it happened, I was aware of what he might do, i really wish I had made sure I wasn't alone with him, but I almost couldn't believe it & I just wanted to know why - so the second time was worse & thats when I realised that it wasn't going to take much for him to go a step further, And then it was three other times that he did things 'secretly', whilst my sister was around.

I just had that one kind of panic attack, if thats what it was, I think that it probably came because I just felt helpless & scared. I will have things that remind me - a few weeks ago he left a phone message on our answer phone(its on loudspeaker) I instantly felt so so so stupid, like I was a complete idiot & then afterwards I felt sick that he had rung, & then I wanted to throw rocks,
Yes I'm wary of men, mostly if its on my own & I am thinking in my head if you dare touch me, I will scream the place down, in public I need to know where they are, I don't like men standing behind me because I feel hemmed in - I don't want to tar every man with the same brush - but if they get a bit pervy/flirty that I feel really uncomfortable. Somebody was like that the other day whilst I was alone & I afterwards I was shaking & felt sick - but I don't really get into those situations very often ... but I think if I went out more - I'd come across more things that might knock me.

I just need to realise I exist & that I don't have to blame myself, because instantly even now, like when he called, i just totally forgot even anything he did & the whole thing was totally all my fault. And i have to drag myself away from that place, or other people have to.

Yes, so I think whats happened does highlight what I can do to change as emotionally, although I am quite introverted about my own feelings - I am like an open house with people - I say, look its ok you can come in - regardless of your race,color,creed, situation & I will not judge you.

Its not like I walk around saying this - but say if somebody is troubled, I extra welcome them in with open arms, I do not think for a second about me.
This kind of behaviour has got me into trouble, I guess if I did it with a strong knowing of how far they are allowed to go before i walk away, it would be ok.
Its almost like I will excuse their behaviour - unless they try & kill or rape me, I perhaps need to bring the judgements sticks a bit closer,
So that kind of 'trying to be helpful' thing, led to me being involved previously with another abusive person, not sexually but emotionally - fear of being physically hurt, as opposed to rape.

If I want a cloud with a silver lining, I can look & say at least the man who assaulted me, made me end the 'friend'ship with the other person faster than I probably would normally have done.
In some ways I don't know who did most damage, I think I can understand the emotional abusive one easier - they were both so destructive & happened within a couple of months of each other,
I was kind of having flashbacks whilst on the holiday - not flashbacks of what happened but basically in fear of my 'holiday friend' behaving like him.
Which of course he didn't, so I was taking the steps back to trusting & feeling safe with somebody, And then he took the biscuit ... and ground it into my face.

I think if the first one hadn't have stamped on me so hard, I might have been stronger in dealing with the other - I just shut down, vacated for a while & returned later to try & tidy up the mess,

People have said maybe as an action thing, I could go on some self confidence course - i do feel i am a paradox & quite strong inside, its just expressing myself to people.
I think basically I just need to gather up my strengths & use them. i don't need to become an angry, resentful, bitter person, i just need to open my eyes, have a voice & react.

I don't really know what i can do, maybe as you say its just like a delayed reaction for justice, so thats what leaves me feeling like this, I feel like i need to become an actor as an excuse to scream at things

I hate men thinking I'm some object & thinking they can do whatever they want & not care that I even feel anything.

He was supposed to be looking after us - I thought idiotically that he actually cared about me, he said that he'd never let us come into any danger, he acted like he had our best interests at heart but actually all he wanted to do was get off on my fear & think my body was his to do what he wanted, when he wanted.

Anyway, thats what happens when you make friends with con-men