Can someone tell me if this is normal or am I crazy?

Ok, i dont usually talk about this but i need to know if anyone else feels this way or if it is just me. When i was 14 years old i was a virgin and was raped by a 56 year old man. 3 days later i was raped by another man. I dont know how it happened. I dont know why. I mean the first one, i guess if i had just not stayed at my aunts that night it would not have happened.anyway. I dont really know how i felt about it. i never really stopped to think about how it felt. i tried to pretend like it didnt happen. After that i kinda just stopped caring. i have been raped several time since but most are my fault because for some reason i need to have a man with me and i just pick the wrong ones. i mean i even see waring signs and i dont get out. like its like i cannot. i cant stand up for myself and i always pick the abusive type. i am married and my husband isnt like that. but for some reason i still find the need to have a man control me. i have cheated before and i hate myself for it. but my husband is gentle to me and i just dont know. i think i am crazy. Iplease help

Hi, kchaney! You are not crazy. Sometimes people who've been raped or abused don't get out of bad situations or put themselves in bad situations because part of them hopes that they'll be able to control what happens. Also, it seems to me like it's hard to fit into the "normal" world after something like this happens so we might feel drawn to what's familiar. That's how I've felt sometimes, any way.
It isn't your fault. You're not responsible for their actions. You were just there and they decided to hurt you.
Have you been to see a good therapist? Maybe you and your husband could go together or you could show him what you wrote here to help him understand what's going on and that it's not his fault.

kchaney wrote:Ok, i dont usually talk about this but i need to know if anyone else feels this way or if it is just me. When i was 14 years old i was a virgin and was raped by a 56 year old man. 3 days later i was raped by another man. I dont know how it happened. I dont know why. I mean the first one, i guess if i had just not stayed at my aunts that night it would not have happened.anyway. I dont really know how i felt about it. i never really stopped to think about how it felt. i tried to pretend like it didnt happen. After that i kinda just stopped caring. i have been raped several time since but most are my fault because for some reason i need to have a man with me and i just pick the wrong ones. i mean i even see waring signs and i dont get out. like its like i cannot. i cant stand up for myself and i always pick the abusive type. i am married and my husband isnt like that. but for some reason i still find the need to have a man control me. i have cheated before and i hate myself for it. but my husband is gentle to me and i just dont know. i think i am crazy. Iplease help

You are never at fault for being raped hon, no matter what situation you were in. I've blamed myself in the past for my rapes, but I know now that there was nothing I could have changed for it not to have happened. I've had warning signs too where I ignored them, so I understand that part too. You're not crazy.
I think the control issue, of wanting to be controlled that is , perhaps to gain some of your strength back, to take control yourself... if that makes any sense.

don't worry, you are certainly not crazy i do that all the time, try to get myself into bad situations. Luckily it hardly ever works...but it's completley normal to want to be looking for it to happen again and to get used because you feel so bad about yourself you think you deserve it, or whatever is going on in your head right now...

It is normal

stay safe though please, try some therapy? it really helps

One reason that people who have been abused will find themselves with multiple abusers is because they/we inadvertently seek out situations that permit repetition.

The compulsion towards repetition arises from wanting to relive, and re-do the 'event'. It doesn't work. But it's 'familiar ground'. And the hope of re-doing the event without an incident is alluring. Or at least 'known' to some degree.

Hope you can get out of the cycle.

Yes ma'am it's normal... Please forget all that thing and love your husband because you are so luck that you meet a man like him..

Try to consult the expert.. And talk to other survivor ma'am...

Try to read this story of a one girl http://www.thankgodforebooks.com/raped.html it will help you