Leaving family

I have looked all over for some answers without posting a question. This site and others. Haven't had any luck. So here goes. I'll try to condess for shortnes.

Wife left me after 6 months of strange behavior and argueing. I couldn't figure out what was happening or why. Divorce not final yet, but getting close to the day. She dated right away. A month later, she is basically living with new guy, at her new place. I won't get into how this effects the kids..... The guy is a 'friend' of hers that she knew for a few months before leaving. We didn't really speak except for about the kids. I figure marraige is over. Started dating a girl I met. We were keeping it a secret and not involving our kids as her divorce was not yet final. Had my child for a few hours one night. Wife late to pick her up. New girl shows up. I had no way to call and tell her not to show up yet, as I had done a few times previously. New girl and child meet. Then wife shows up. Finds out I am seeing someone. Visably upset.

Then, I get a letter. She states she waited for me to ask her to come home. Didn't send in divorce papers till she found out I was seing someone. Yet she basically living with someone. I realize soon after, that I'm not over wife, break it off with new girl. Wife and I start to communicate.

She loves me. I love her, etc. But our marraige is over. She can't come home. (her words). I am trying to sort it all out. To understand what happened. She then informs me that she was raped about a month before I noticed the strange behavior. Not report it. Not tell anyone. But she was in counceling soon after. That information explained all the strange behavior. It explained everything that happened for six months.

I understand most of it now. My question is, is it 'normal' to throw her marraige, family and home away, and be with another man so soon? She explains that he is a clean slate. No past. But they were friends before hand, so in my mind there is a past. Not an intimate one, but a past. I could understand it better if it was someone she didn't already know. Our marraige wasn't perfect, but it was good. I was taking steps to make it better before that day happened, but she still left. About a month ago we slept together. Two weeks ago, she told me she loves me, but not in love with me anymore. Has real feelings for him. Four days ago she tells me she loves him.

Insights please.....

Hi, justaguy! It's possible for someone who's been hurt to want to change their life because the old one reminds them of the trauma somehow. She might also feel like she has control over her life and what happens, this way. It might be different for everyone. This does not mean that she'll come back to you, though. I'm sorry you're going through all this.
Maybe you could offer to go to counselling with her, to see if you can save your marriage.

Offered marraige counciling. Had appointment set. She refused to go. This before I knew about what happened. Says she can't come home because he said he knows where she lived. It happened at her work. She still works there.(convenience store, it's a job, not a career). Moved only a few miles away, closer to work.

Well, maybe you could tell her to look for another job as that place probably triggers her. If she doesn't want to fix things in your marriage, it's only fair that you move on. This isn't your fault.

The 'new' man and new life is like trying to cleanse herself. She feels dirty and responsible for it.

I would tell her this:

Baby, I love you. But I won't love a woman that is with another man.

Ditch him and we'll try. Or, you can continue with this other man, for even 1 minute, and you'll only ever see my lawyer. Not me. It's your choice, maybe the most important choice of your life. And it's right now.

Then, I'd stick to it. She makes her 'life choice' on the spot. She can choose possible healing with you, or without you.

If she says you're rushing her, well, it wasn't an 'open' marriage when you said your vows, right? So why should it be an 'open' marriage now? It's not rushing anything, it's requiring of her that she fulfill her vows immediately to "Love only you".

Yep. Basically told her that. Not that bluntly, but told her. She said yesterday she is in love with him. Our marraige is over. I know that. I'm dealing with that the best I can. Part of my way of dealing with anything is to understand what as happening and what did happen. Who I am..... You guys are helping with that, and I thank you very much.

Well, it's been a while. Lots has happened. Little bits of info at a time. Lots and lots of secrets and lies have been brought to light. I have a question. She has mentioned her sponsor a few times. I know recovering addicts have sponsors. Never heard of a rape victom having a sponsor. She had a problem with perscription pain pills a few years ago. Her word are she got addicted to them, and she won't take another one. As far as I know, she hasn't. But I am questioning whether or not she got involved in some other drug. It would explain alot of her behavior and action in the past couple years. So my question is about the sponsor she says she has. Is there such a thing for rape?

Thanks

Sponsors can happen, but it's usually like a court advocate etc... but I can look into it more.