Self rape

About 7 years ago, I was setup with a guy. He soon took to being in control, doing things to me and I wasn't allowed to touch him at all. It was awkward but okay, at first. Then one night, he made me watch this anime movie in which a girl was hung from a ceiling by chains and her "master" raped her with a wooden stick. After the movie, he raped me with a bottle and gave me a small burn.

Since then, I have become addicted to masterbing with a plastic bottle which is a little too large (causes more pain than pleasure). I had convinced myself that it was merely a sick habit but am starting to doubt that. A few months ago, I realized that while I am masterbating I am visualizing being raped by my master. He tells me that it is to train me and if I want it enough and am good enough then maybe I can have the priviledge of having sex with him. I can't help but think this is related to my past abuse. Has anyone else found themselves re-creating their past abuse or heard of someone who has? Is this a normal response? How can I stop? Please help.

You'd be surprised how people do re-create their rape, perhaps it's to find a way to get the control back that you've lost.

I myself don't recall my first abusive relationship & I was also raped by the him as well.

But for me I re-create scenerios in my head.
It's not sick what you are doing... you've been through a lot in your life. Have you ever sought out therapy at all?

well I was in therapy for depression and self injury but that was before I realized this was an issue, so no.

the fact that you were raped etc you should go back into therapy to discuss that if you haven't yet, it will help you.

Maybe recreating a rape is an attempt to get control of it.

like sonovlaurin said, it could be a way of dealing with it...i do that a lot too so you're not alone on it-it's normal (well, whatever normal is )

you should go back into therapy now that you've realised that this could be a problem. realisation is the first step-well done!

i reaolly feel for u and you are so brave posting this up cos i bet it was hard..
i was sexually abused as a child by my mother and my mothers older cousin repeadedly and beaten, spanked by my father in a way that i knew he was aroused by dominating me.

I had fantasies about being dominated, tortured etc from when i wasd as young as 7 so i was always engaging as a teen in violent sex where i was submissive .. also sometimes when i had sex i felt like i was merging with my mother which was so desturbing but turned me on which made me discusted the violence from all 3 family members was so extensive it became locked in my sexuality and i could only get off if i was being degraded, dominated or fantasising about it.

I did really risky things as a teen and adult cos i was damaged, vulnerable, had never known love or had support.. i sold sex. let myself be used by men and put myself in danger.

When i got a sych nurse 4 years ago i started working on my abuse, trauma and damaged sexuality and slowly stopped being turned on my violent sex.. i knew as others said i was trying to reinact the abuse to try and heal it in a wierd way, or masybe normalise it, i dunno.
also i think my early experiences sexualised my behaviur and i developed a fetish for being spanked, hurt etc.

i have come far but i still lapse now and then and unfortunaltley got raped 3 months ago again so i guess im still vulnerable but still trying to work on healing.

sorry for the long reply.. just wanted to let u know i so understand.

please try and find a good trauma therapist and work thios stuff therough as it can spiral.

big hug, bluebellx

Maybe recreating a rape is an attempt to get control of it.<----sounds right to me



its so awful how a 5 or 60 or 120 minute incident sticks with you and your judgment forever and ever

I try to rationalize...take the emotional pain out and intellectually analyze it...but i know members of mensa..and not even they can logically analyze rapes

it totally sucks and i wish i could forget it...i probably will convince myself to...gosh i hope so


anyways...good luck on your recovery...read books, meditate..and KNOW that no one is more powerful than u..

i'm really sorry i should've put a trigger on my reply to you.. and i didnt mean to steal your thread.. i just wanted to tel you i identified with wot you said about recreating the attack and im sorry you're hurting. bluebell x

It's totally cool. I'm glad to hear what you have to say. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this issue. Thanks to everyone for posting!