Has anyone else here attempted suicide after the assault?

(((((((((((((((((((MizzCatherine)))))))))))))))))) It's horrible that the social worker treated you that way. Of course you didn't bring anything on yourself, no one does.
I'm sorry you went through any of this $#%^. It is not your fault.

Thanks. I could only imagine what it woulda been like had I not had a bf with me. He even told me not to tell them I had any alcohol. The thing about it is that the guy that did it knew i didnt want to have sex with him..but he emailed me after he raped me and said that we *discussed* it when I couldnt discuss anything. I made myself vulnerable and paid the price. Thats life

thanks for the support though. i

That guy is full of $#%^ and the fact that you made yourself vulnerable doesn't mean that you deserved for anything to happen. It's ok if you need to think about it like this though.

many abusers will email or somehow get to tell the person they abused that it was concensual. They feel so bad about it that they almost try to convince themselves that they did nothing wrong and they try to rationalise it in their own minds, by saying that you guys discussed it. that's really common. just know that this guy is a jerk and he's only saying that because he knows deep down inside him that what he did was wrong and so now he's trying to make himself feel better about it.

not sure if it helps you to know that he's obviously thinking about it and it's probably tearing him up inside, that he has to try rationalise it? but that's probably what's happening

I think Scarred_Cutter you have an interesting take on the abuser. It's easy for me to think of abusers, whether it's those who rape women or those who rape kids, as being sociopaths: No conscience, unable or unwilling to empathize, impulsive and unthinking, lack of consideration of boundaries, and so on. But I guess what I take from you, Scarred_Cutter, is that it's also possible that there are rapists and child molesters out there who experience a need for (for lack of a better word) homeostasis, or, a peace of mind, about the rape. And they use rationalization to get there. I think that fits perfectly well especially if you had a long standing relationship with the person. I imagine myself in their shoes and I think "Yeah, my head would need some balancing after such an event too".

Another possibility exists maybe too. Like, it's possible that he talks about 'having discussed it' because he's covering his ass. He thinks, possibly, that if he repeats this mantra "We discussed it" enough, you'll mistrust your earlier thoughts about your diminished capacity when the rape happened, and leave it alone.

But Catharine, there's something about your story that confuses me. And it's difficult to ask because I don't wish to make your blood boil...When did he know you didn't want to have sex with him?

- Did he find that out the night he raped you?
- Did he find that out on some other occasion?

Here's why I ask: I think if I were a woman, and a man made a pass at me and I rejected his advance, I think, after reading some of these posts where both acquaintance rape and stranger rape happen, I'd run. I'd just get my ass out of there. If your instincts tell you the guy wants to have sex and you refuse, the odds are that quite frequently the man is going to be aggressive.

When I read that I think "Isn't that an awfully negative appraisal of men" and then I think, well, no, I mean, rape happens in the animal and human kingdom, if drugs and/or alcohol is involved then everyone's judgment is screwed up, if the setting is private enough to merit a pass, then it's private enough for a rape. I just think, man, a foiled pass is precisely the situation I'd want to extricate myself from post haste.

What do you think? Is mine an overreaction?

I had a similar experience when I was 18 I was returning home drunk and hitchhiking. The guy picks me up, takes me to my home town. When he gets into town, he propositions me. I refuse. He says let's find a place to park and smoke a joint and talk. But by then, my adrenaline was running and I thought "Man, if I go one more mile in this car with this guy I could get attacked" and I just got out of the car at the next intersection. I'm really glad I did that.

So is your view of men going to change? Of men in certain situations? My wife won't get in to cars with strange men, for example, because of her own experience with automatic door locks.

well i'll just say what i think about that, even though the question was for cath...when a guy makes a pass at you it isn't always clear that he wants to have sex. like this guy who flirted with me a bit wanted me to be his girlfriend and i said no. he just asked me out normally and he didn't show much anger when i said no. then a while later he raped me. there was no sign that it'd happen. that happened with another guy too. he liked me but i just said we'd be friends and he agreed and we used to hang out togther for a while and one day at his house out of nowhere...well i'm sure you get the picture

so it's not always clear that the guy would ever do something like that...the guys who did to me, they seem like the sweetest guys ever

anyhoo...i agree too that they maybe say "we discussed it" to make you doubt yourself. the one guy does that to me and i would've believed him, but i wrote it all down in my diary the day it happened so when i start to doubt myself i go and read it

i think it's probably the young guys who feel guilty about it because they maybe still have a conscience? I just know that the one guy who keeps on trying to convince me that it was mutual is doing that because he feels bad about it and he knows that he did wrong

or it could just have been that i'd known him for a while

and me saying above that you don't necessarily know that the guy will do it-that's not me hating on you or anything so don't think i am

xxx

All is cool, Scarred_Cutter. Thanks.

But when you say this, I still don't get it:

When a guy makes a pass at you it isn't always clear that he wants to have sex.

Yeah, but, like, if later he puts himself in a private situation with a woman (perhaps not even you), what the heck 'else' could he possibly want?

Maybe because I'm a man I believe these feelings in men tend not to disappear with niceness. And the feelings are more unpredictable when a man has been refused. And sometimes uncontrollable when they achieve privacy with a target.

Anyway, so you haven't changed your tactics at all since the event Scarred_Cutter? Or did you narrow the kinds of situations at all to stay away from stacked situations in the future?

Narcissists (i.e., some men) hate it when you dis-empower them. And a refusal is a dis-empowerment. They may not show they're angry, but they probably don't even know it themselves.

Anyways it's ok that we don't agree. I just can't fathom it now in my current mind-space. I don't know. The only thing I can liken it to is my own situation where I feared being raped because I was in the guy's car, he'd been refused, and still wanted private time with me (like, of course, to get sex). I refused to get into a private situation with him because his failed pass meant this was an inherently un-trust-able situation. If narcissist-rapists are 1-5% of the population, that means there's a 1 in 20 or 1 in 100 chance I'm going to get raped.

But Catharine, there's something about your story that confuses me. And it's difficult to ask because I don't wish to make your blood boil...When did he know you didn't want to have sex with him?

- Did he find that out the night he raped you?
- Did he find that out on some other occasion?

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!
The pig ALWAYS knew i didnt want to have sex with him. That was quite clear from the time I met him.

well..my blood did boil. the #####& knew i didnt want it. how dare i be questioned. my god, I was drunk and the bastard said we *discussed* it?!??!? how many things do u *discuss* when you're drunk??? He wasnt my type aesthetically anyway..so even if i was slipped roofies and succumbed to animal tendencies...he'd be the last guy on my list to go for
I thought he was a friend/bud. I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i didnt ask for it
i didnt want it
i told him before AND after

i fell in and out of consciousness when it was happening. how the ###$ am i supposed to run away from that?
I'm glad you escaped out of the car....neener ###$ neener..too bad i couldnt follow your example..and too bad date rape vics cant get the gumption to do what u did

shame on all rape victims!

As you probably know..most real life rapes are like the ones on General Hospital...in back alleys by strangers. Its so unusual for predators to know the ones they prey on.

cutter is probably onto something..about covering his booty or convincing himself it wasnt all that bad. but it was..and wish i could kick the bastard in the nuts


also..its not a *story*

MizzCatherine, if you couldn't consent and you didn't want to have sex with him, it was rape. People can get into "intimate" situations for all kinds of reasons and it's any one's responsibility to know this. Just because you were his friend and spent some time with him it doesn't mean that you wanted to sleep with him or that he had the right to do what ever he wanted.
That guy didn't need to find out that you didn't want to have sex, he needed to find out that you did. You don't assume that any one who spends time with a friend wants to have sex with them, that's nuts.

Anyway, so you haven't changed your tactics at all since the event Scarred_Cutter? Or did you narrow the kinds of situations at all to stay away from stacked situations in the future?

that's pretty judgmental of you. I hope u didnt hurt scarred's feelings. You only get SOME details of the incidents of others, you do NOT have a complete picture of ANYONE on this board.

Have you ever been sexually assaulted? or was that car incident it?
If you havent been, what is your fascination with this board? If you have been, how could u be so quick to judge?