feel like a fake

ok this guy raped me last year. let's call him Tom. a while ago i wrote a poem for him and i eventually plucked up the courage to give it to him. Tom kind of took it badly... as could be expected. he told his girlfriend now that i'd slept with him willingly (she didn't even know i had been raped by him at all, so not sure why Tom dragged her into it) and then she and her friends started sending me hate mail calling me a slut etc. etc.

i then went back to Tom and lied. i'd never put his name on the poem so i told him it wasn't actually for him, i'd just wanted him to read it. i'd been raped about a month before Tom did it and i told him about it so i told Tom now that actually the poem was for the first guy and that i thought it'd been obvious because he'd (Tom) totally never raped me, that's just so stupid to even think of!

i know i had to do it otherwise i would've hurt myself maybe irrepareably because of what those girls were saying, but i feel so...wrong. i gave into him and played along with him, pretending i'd done it because i'd wanted it. i have to pretend he never did anything wrong. i'm not sure whether he fell for it, i just keep well away from him now and avoid his eyes when i see him.

i just hate it that i couldn't stand up to him and tell the truth and just say yes, YOU did it. i have to hide and embarass myself like that. he knows what he did and i had to go begging after him saying of course he didn't do anything wrong, just so i could get those girls off my back

Confronting the perpetrator is usually a difficult and problematic affair. It can even result in physical assaults.

Perpetrators aren't the type of person to admit to a crime. Narcissists aren't into humble contrition.

Your own reaction was perfectly normal. Who could blame someone for having fear of someone who physically assaults them?

You're not a fake. You did what you need to do to survive.

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That said, IMHO the best way to get across your point is with the Police. But even that route is fraught with difficulty. It's what they understand.

You definately are not a fake.
I confronted my abuse/rapist a long time ago, via the internet and it was extremely hard to do.

Hang in there, pm me if you need to talk.

I think feeling like a fake is a coping mechanism

There have been a few times where i KNEW in the core of my being that it didnt happen..but reality says otherwise..his emails to me said otherwise...
Its so awful how the vics have to live with the pain so long after an event. Kinda reminds me of the book Evil: Inside Human Violence and Cruelty by Roy Baumeister. One of his many astute observations in the book is how the victim(in all sorts of crimes) loses way more than what the perpetrator gained..and the perps are usually flat out indifferent about it

I wish you well on your recovery I hope you find the route that helps u the best. For me, that would be to read up on such things and try to intellectually understand it. Less painful that way ..dont know how helpful it will be in the long run though

MizzCatherine I personally think that intellectualizing it is a huge step in recovery and perhaps you're right: Maybe that's as far as you can get with trauma.

I'm personally aiming for 'acceptance' and I'm getting close. But intellectualizing it, understanding it, was really the right way to go. Some say that you can't get over the PTSD. I think the jury is still out on that question.

the perps are usually flat out indifferent

Yes, agreed. So they'll be of no help in healing. But knowing this, knowing that they don't really empathize, can be helpful too.

It's difficult to 'hate' a snake for being a snake. Or worse, an unfeeling perpetrator for being an unfeeling perpetrator. It's just one of God's creations that one should try to avoid in life. Like poisonous spiders or stinging jellyfish.

I thought I read somewhere that intellectualizing it is avoiding dealing with it. Maybe I need to read some more. I'll ask my shrink next time I see him

Panic attacks so suck. I feel so out of control
How long did it take for u get come to grips with it?

MizzCatherine said

I thought I read somewhere that intellectualizing it is avoiding dealing with it.

Yes I've heard that too. But it's a bit overused. And I think it's a valid issue in therapy when all the client can do is sit there and spout intellectually about a rape, or assault, never shedding a tear. The therapist will believe there's benefit in the person 'feeling' what they feel (emotion) and coming to terms with it (cognition).

I think that emotion and cognition work hand in hand, for example:

1. How can you get over the shame of rape (emotion) unless you understand (cognize, or think) that you were overpowered and therefore the shame is not yours to own?

2. How can you grieve (emotion), and assign responsibility properly unless you've analyzed the rape encounter, worked it through cognitively, and 'realized' that the perpetrator (say) manipulated you and the situation to suit their advantage?

3. How can you get over the enormity of the crisis (e.g., that 'overwhelming all encompassing "I've been raped" feeling') unless you've come to terms cognitively with the fact that perpetrators don't feel and think the same way others do - how can you possibly regain your emotional composure about the experience?

Animals and small children don't handle emotions very well because they don't have the advantage of a big fat sensible brain to help them understand the situation.

Understanding what happened is vital to 'meaning making'. Rape and sexual assault are events that need to be made meaningful and comprehensible. Else, you'll go insane.

In other words: Thank Goodness you have a good mind MizzCatherine. It can save your a$$.

Panic and anxiety started to decline after I told my story to the Police and repeated my story for my Men's Group (about a dozen guys). Also, ensuring I'd never see the attacker went a long way to helping that anxiety decline.

thanks for all the replies, i really appreciate them! i've been on holiday with no internet which is why i haven't replied sooner!

luckily the guy who did it is in the final year of school so next year he'll go to uni hopefully in another city so i won't have to see him. i see him every sunday at church and it freaks me out.

i understand though what you're saying of me not needing to feel fake! thanks

sonovlaurin wrote:MizzCatherine said

I thought I read somewhere that intellectualizing it is avoiding dealing with it.

Panic and anxiety started to decline after I told my story to the Police and repeated my story for my Men's Group (about a dozen guys). Also, ensuring I'd never see the attacker went a long way to helping that anxiety decline.

you have balls to go to the cops. Its your word against theirs. and theres a bit more of a stigma for men than women in sexual assaults IMO