Another troubled couple

Well, things are changing very fast and very often, just as I posted all this, I've got SMS from her asking me to come by in the evening, so I went. We talked from 9 until 3am and she experienced couple of mood changes right before my eyes - from depressed, sad and feeling guilty, to cheerful and laughing, talking about some ordinary things like we used to do. From not letting me touch her to couple of kisses even.

She wanted to end our relationship few times, all I needed to do is to say 'OK' and leave but somehow I managed to talk about it... Maybe I shouldn't be doing this, but I can't accept that she tells me how she loves me and has strong feelings for me but thinks it's better if I leave her. I know it sounds like some kind of 'nice' breakup scheme...

Why I'm not letting her go you may ask? Well, we know each other little over a year, we have been in short relationship year ago, broken that after few weeks (she wanted me to get involved more, I panicked and we split), but feelings remained - she left two of the guys quickly after me, and I couldn't make something new either so we got together more seriously this february and it was great - we even started planning our life together and then this problems started... In the beggining, not so dramatical as this now, mood swings, irritation, not wanting sex... I was out of myself thinking she wants out, that she has someone else but then she told me all this and it completely changed my perspective, my view of her, all our problems. When she proposed me to move over to her apartment in march, I already did the thinking of us in some two-three years from now, having kids, getting married and - I had nothing against it! I never ever have thought about all that seriously and accepting it, but that time, I wanted it (and still do, with all our troubles) and now I should let all that go to waste? Even that, when I explained last night, she looked better, but said 'And what if you leave then?' (referring to all previous men that left her) - she has so low self-esteem, it's unbelievable. And I'm not going to leave her, if I didn't until now...

She thinks of situation when we are living together and she starts having all this problems again and it's holding her back - but I tried to explain that in that situation, many of things that bother her now are not there, not making impact on her and she cant' get that insecure having someone besides her. Almost agreed on that point...

We got last night to the therapists point - she had some counseling two years after rape because of frequent flashbacks and dreams of incident and only got some drugs, not some concrete advice so she lost faith in that kind of treatment. I think I'll have to find someone of confidence to convince her going back again.

I left last night with a loooonngish couple of hugs, we agreed to leave her few days alone and see if that helps her. She can contact me anytime, call me to come over like she did, ask for some help or advice, I can't be more supportive than this... I hope we are going through all this for some reason...

I'm sorry, I know that all this relates more to our relationship than to subforum topics, but it shows the aftermath of event happened almost 15 years ago. I hope it helps someone, at least as Todd's thread helped me to recognize all this symptoms and try to work on them instead of leaving loved one. Thank you all.

I think being so close to someone triggers her, becouse she has to let you in and inside of her there is a lot of hurt. She has to try and heal. Maybe she can go to a women's crisis center or something, to talk to people who deal with this all the time.
I'm sure your thread will help someone and you can talk about anything you need.

Just a little update - we had GREAT couple of days of talk only, went to her brother last night and then, when we got home, something just snapped and she went back to feeling down, having headache...

I'm still trying to figure out what triggered her - I tried to touch her on her hand once and she moved away... OK, I got it, no touching when she feels nervous. . Then she started complaining as she doesn't have any desire for sex or closeness, that either something is wrong with her or that I'm not the one that turns her on. She admitted last week even that she has problems to get orgasm (she was faking it all the time, even with all previous guys, except that first one with 4 year relationship) and that she didn't mean to tell me but that bothered her too much and after she told me about the incidents, she had to tell me that also. And I fully understand her, I'm not complaining nor forcing her into sex or something that she don't feel like, but she is all over herself for feeling that way and how bad she is to me.

Bad finances are also killing her, but then, yesterday, when she played with her brothers daughter, they mentioned that their mother promised to the kid some expensive toy not knowing how much it costs, then my girl talked to her mom and felt so sorry that now she wants to buy it just to make things better and now it's upsetting her... and I can't go and buy damn toy because she won't let me...

I'm sad because she agreed for me to move in and I really think that she will be much better with me around, problems with money wont' get to her this much... but she then went back to feeling incompetent and that she doesn't want to depend on me...

We are back to not seeing mode... I hope she'll call soon...

Hey. I just wanted to say that it seems obvious that you care a lot about her and you seem like a very respectable and good guy. I think the difficulties she's having are very normal. She's having a tough time moving on. And I think it's great that you can be there for her.

I don't really have too much advice. I guess you should just try to be patient and see how things go. It sounds like she really needs someone for support and I think you're doing a wonderful job giving her the support she needs. She may be pushing you away, but I think that she really needs you.

Anyway, sorry I don't have too much advice. But, I do hope things start getting better.

Thank you, tristen. I'm really really messed up... I can't talk to anyone about REAL problem that bother her because noone really knows... I can't just say 'her uncle (or whatever) abused her (I even didn't want to ask her how in details...), and HER family didn't believe her, then, she got raped and told almost nobody because of previous incident, except brother and later the guy she felt comfortable with finally and even he left her... ' And now, she can't have orgasm with me... So should I ditch her or not? I can't do that. No way! I know that no one can understand problems SHE has, that we have, without telling all this... and I can't do that either just because I feel bad.

I tried talking to my good friend, the one I work with, but I only said that 'she has gone through a lot in the past' and he came with a slew of opinions, but that's him. Some were just ridiculous, but, I don't blame him, it's much to easy to judge others, only it that doesn't help me. I know our work is suffering currently with me being so absent-minded but I need to get this through... I don't want to lose this girl.

When she was in good patch, she talked about when she gets new job, we could save for bigger apartment in three years, and when she is in bad one, she questions should we be in a relationship at all! I guess it's all influencing her, feeling so unconfident and lost, but I understand why while all our friends can give only some irrelevant opinions. Who would date a girl that can't have sex with you, even with all of her history explained? It's hard... it's mighty hard not to let go and give up... but I don't want to. I could stay friend with her, but couldn't handle seeing her with all that lack of understanding around or trying to fake it with other guys and pretending she's fine. She is not and I'm glad she told me all that! I just don't want to let her down... I just managed to burst into tears third time while writing this and now crying like a river, so I'm out... I'll post any news when they come up. Thanks for all your support.

Hey again, King. I think you can't just give up on her becouse you care about her and you can't help that. Thanks for telling us what's been going on. You're right, most people can't understand something like this. Could you try to get her to at least read some forums like this one, so she'll know she's not alone?

I know I can't give up, but she is getting further and further away day by day and now I think our relationship is upsetting her too.

On Sunday when we got back to hers apartment, we were measuring walls and talking about how we should do some reordering to make more rooms, how to remodel kitchen, buy new kitchen stove and hour later, after dinner, she was thinking 'I don't think we should do this'. I'm totally puzzled, I mean, what girl draws plans for living together for days and then rejects that in a split second. I know she is thinking as hard as I do all the time and tries to figure out what bothers her. But somehow, she always gets to the point that she doesn't need relationship now and it's upsetting her, not wanting me around and, actually, no one around her.

Her water heater is almost dead, she prepared money to buy new one, but we couldn't organize us to go and buy one, she saw which model she likes, just didn't have time to buy it yet. So I bought it yesterday to end that problem (with her money, somehow she left it to me) and now she is upset for me doing it.

Not wanting sex (she says not only with me, but generally) is also troubling her. I think that's because she is not satisfied, but we never really talked about sex while we had it, she never complained, I guess she thought it would upset me. Then told me first about her past, and few days later that she can't have orgasm. Of course I'm not pleased with that, but I understand her. She said only guy that did make her satisfied was that 4-year-relationship, so she thinks it's not some medical problem, she is capable of enjoying sex. And that only with me was couple of times that she was close again. And that kills me also... If she only talked then, or said what bothers her... Now, I think that she has fears of how should we live together if sex continue to be bad (I mean, to me, it's great and I'd try and do everything to satisfy her) and for how long it would last and it further complicates things in her head.

I don't know, I'm afraid to give her some time off, to try and collect her thoughts, maybe realize how important (or unimportant ) I am to her, because she is in that kind of mood that I'm afraid even if she missed me or wanted me back, she'll try her hardest not to call and 'make me miserable again'. And I don't want that, in that way, I'm feeling I'm letting her down when she is in her deepest troubles. She also thinks that avoiding contact leads nowhere, we are logged on MSN all the time and neither of us can't hold out not to say something. She said even to her parents around beginning of May that we plan to live together... They seemed to like me and supported her in that, I mean, she wouldn't do that if she didn't really wanted it, but now saying all this is... I don't know.

She is the first ever girl I wanted to marry and have kids with... and she is so deep now, it's killing me I can't help her out... I don't want to give up and I'm trying to be strong, but she keeps saying how this relationship leads nowhere and that I'm lying to myself how good it is with her... These last ten days are true hell we are going through.

EDIT: One more thing, I'm thinking about telling her about this topic and forum, she seemed interested in 'what I've read on internet' about her symptoms... But it's going to hit her very hard to read about all this experiences, she mentioned that she almost never thought about her incidents in last years, but thought about them intensively this last ten days... I'm aware that she learned to push this things inside her and live with all that, but is it going to help her to bring it up on surface again? I'm afraid... so afraid it could push her even deeper...

It's obvious that keeping this in bothers her and hurts her so she has to try and face what happened, I think. I don't know if she'd feel comfortable posting here, but there are other forums like this one too, and she is always welcome to post here as well. It might help to read about what others have gone through. I think she's scared and vulnerable right now.

First of all, thank you, jasmin for hanging in this thread, I'm trying my best not post every time I'm feeling bad... I'm in for little retrospective now, hope that will help to clear some things up... Sorry if I'm boring with all this stories.

Currently, I'm rethinking what I've maybe done wrong and triggered something in her. It is obvious to me that each time she let's me near (emotionally, not physically) she gets worse and shuts out, so any increased closeness is bad. Now, I need to figure somehow if it's simply because she lost her interest in me or all of her problems prevent her from involve deeper emotionally.

Last summer, when we got together for a short period, I was really different man than now. I had a good job, I was happy with life and I got involved with her in a form of adventure, which didn't please her at all so we agreed to stop that after few weeks since I wasn't ready for real relationship. I think now I seemed like a challenge to her then, she wanted to get hold of me for some reason and I resisted all that, managed to be very cold when she decided not to be with me any more.

As time passed, I was increasingly aware that she was important to me, I think she also thought that she could have something more with me, although she had couple of short relationships afterwards. We were still chatting over MSN regularly, alone or with friends.

In November, I was informed that my good job is over in a month or so (not getting contract extension, not my fault), so I got very depressed and somehow managed to dig out myself, seriously thinking about moving all the way to Australia (from Europe) and starting a new life. And one day, I called her and asked her to go out on a drink. And she agreed, even though she had boyfriend then (they were struggling) and I told her about me planning to go away, even asked her to go with me if she wants to, if not as a couple, at least as friend...

She was puzzled then, it was great, romantic night, we went to dinner, only kiss on the cheek and good night. And I think that then, since she wasn't ready to go, I again looked so unreachable for her, but she was still attracted to me... Step by step, 2 months from then, in February, we agreed to get together again. In the beginning, it was all about me leaving in several months, why should we do this, but I got job offer from good firm, with good salary and I accepted it, not with planning to stay, but to do it until I finally get visa and all that. She wasn't saying anything about all this, she looked happy to me.

Things started to change slowly... With good job, good girl beside me, vision of leaving country seemed very distant day by day. When we started talking about living together, I think last thing I wanted was to leave all that. I left that job in April and started to work with a friend in his firm. I was over the moon about prospects of settling with her and having a opportunity to make something serious. As I already wrote, beginning of May and she was over to her parents and told them that we plan to live together.

Then all started going from bad to worse... It's like she got what she wanted - ME. In all my glory, so to say, intelligent, understanding, caring about her, passionate, close and even wimpy. Like, finally she has someone who doesn't run away from talks about kids, marriage and stuff... And she shuts down. Starts feeling bad about her and saying that she feels like she is not in love with me. She does love me and have feelings, but she is not IN love, as she says. Then decides to tell me all that about her past and here we are.

I'm aware now, after all this writing, that I'm pushing her into something she is not feeling comfortable in, so maybe I should really try to let her on her own, try to work on myself being old me, happy with life and see what happens. Maybe she 'reinvents' her passion for us if I become not so available again, but it's not the solution to our problems. I have to get her to some form of therapy, even reading and posting here should be helpful...

I can't believe how long this post has got. It's like soap opera with me being in love. It would be great movie. I really hope that some of this writing shows that what happened to her still is influencing her life very much or maybe I'm wrong? Maybe she really isn't into me any more and I'm just making things worse trying to stay in touch and help?

I don't think you'd be making things worse by trying to help her feel better. She did tell you about what happened to her, after all. But there is only so much you can do and you have to think of yourself as well. If you think you need to get away from this and look after yourself, there is nothing wrong with that. If she needs you, she can contact you about it.
She might want you back if you won't be so available to her any more, and that would be unfair to you. You deserve the kind of relationshit you want right now. I guess you can work things out then.
You can make your posts as long as you like, lol.