Hey. I have had a weird situation. It's ruining my life.

Hey. I'm a 37 year old woman who is dealing with some trauma. I know what it is. I know I was assaulted. But the way I handled it was really messed up. And it is THAT - that is weighing on me.

Back story. I work 100 plus hours a week. As does my husband. So intimacy is not always there. But we are in love with one another so much and he's my world. It's just we are too tired to spend the time together. We want to save our money and work hard for our future first home and family. And our jobs are a bit glamourous and hard to give up. Bad reasoning, I know. Weird, it took the below experience to happen for me to appreciate my husband more so than ever.

Okay. Continuing back story...I was out of the country, in Tobago - on a job. I lived in an efficiency apartment and with about 40 others - mostly men and all from Trinidad/Tobago. Suffice to say, I had a blast and these guys became my surrogate family for the month. This year in January 2008. I called my husband every night from my job because I missed him so much but I also had a wonderful time with my friends and learning the culture of the country. I felt at home and it was only for four weeks so I wasn't yearning the states too much. I really embraced every day.

There was a man on the job who was painfully poor, couldn't read or write and had never been told he was anyone special. I knew this because that was what he told me and that was the vibe I got from him. Yet, he was so protective of me, quite charming and handsome. I was told he was also gay. So I felt no threat with him and as the days wore on, I spent more and more time with him. I taught him about the job, some basics in reading and writing, I complimented him - in other words, I believed in him. And he flourished.

The second to last night of the job, I was exhausted. I was again working 100 hour week days and I was always tired. But this man came in to my room, claiming he and his boyfriend were arguing and could he sleep next to me. I felt no harm in that. He stayed above the covers. A few hours later, he was kissing me and was penetrating me. I had fallen in to a hard sleep and woke up to it. And I was stunned. I cried and he was a person I hardly knew. He was forceful and manipulative. And I had to really pry him off of me. I fell out of my bed and ordered him to go away. He did. He left.

The last day of the job which was the next morning, a few people noticed I was not myself. I had already thrown out my pajamas I wore in bed and any trinket I had acquired from my what was once a glorious experience in Tobago. I told people I was just sad to be going home. I did see this man at work and we avoided eye contact. He looked like he saw a ghost when he saw me. So later on that day I walked up to him and when noone could hear I said, "Hi." He asked me if I was okay and I said I was. And he said, "Good. I am glad." And for some reason I felt this was acceptable and suddenly I was all smiles again.

I ended up finishing the job and staying for Carnival. Now, I suppose a normal person would have rushed home to her husband and dealt with this. Me? I brushed it off and convinced myself this man was just confused with his sexuality and maybe I imagined the intercourse. Afterall, I was so tired.

He and I spent the next week together. As good friends. I had a wonderful time and for some reason felt I was falling in love with him. He was so good to me, protective, and opening up about a life I never witnessed in anyone. I suppose looking back I was infatuated with his street cred and the fact he came from the other side of the tracks than me. And perhaps a part of me really wanted to help him. I suppose I tried to relate to him.

He even took me to the airport for my flight and it was there that I sobbed and told him I loved him dearly and would miss him.

I landed and saw my husband a few days later (he was also out of town on his job.) And I was so happy. I missed him terribly and was so excited to see him. We wanted to start a family as soon as I got back and I was excited to do so.

Now, this is the beginning of February and I found that I was happy about my experiences and deeply in love with my husband. Yet, every day I called my friend from Trinidad to check up on him and to make sure he stayed out of trouble. He was doing okay. I was thrilled.

Just a month ago it dawned on me, middle of the night, after I woke up out of what seemed to be a night terror - I screamed for many minutes in my sleep, my husband said....it seemed I had isssues. And it was then that I realized I was raped and handled it strangely. instead of outrage, I felt sorry for the guy. I felt by showing love he would turn his life around and that whatever he did would be acceptable.

I know it was a messed up way in handling it. And I see it now as having an affair behind my husband's back. I didn't want the sex, I am not in love with the man but at the time I convinced myself I was.

Is this normal for rape victims? To have a relationship with her so-called rapist? Months later I am realizing what he did was terrible and that I should have gone to the police there. I should have flown home immediately and not stayed. I should have dealt differently.

It's messing with my head. I gained almost 30 pounds since my return, I have a short temper which is completely unlike me - especially at work, I get angry when my husband goes out after work and not heading home and when he walks through the door - I give him the third degree (I NEVER did that before...EVER), I stopped working out, I stopped talking to friends. The list goes on.

And I stare in to space and re-live that night and the days following. And I think to myself - did I have an affair with the man who raped me because I wanted it? Or was I just trying to convince myself I could help this person? Or was I punishing myself and perhaps my husband for this?

I am speaking to a therapist. I had my first chat today. I feel a little better. But I did go home and gorge on food. I did think, "You need to seek this help..."'

I am pretty clear headed about some of this and the rest is so confusing. I would have thought my responses were different. Funny thing is, the guilt is most prominent. And I hate myself so much.

All I want is a normal life with my husband. I want to have a baby. I want a first home. We are working on both of those but I wish I had them now. I guess it would make me feel more normal on one hand. On the other? It's what I wanted prior to my trip. And that work trip was going to pay for some of that stuff.

I don't know. I feel like an ass writing all this down. I wish I never went to Tobago/Trinidad. But I had met some other wonderful people so it wasn't a waste. And this experience has made me love my husband more and more - as I told him what happened. I didn't tell him who it was - just that I was assaulted in my room and I had handled it weird. I went and was tested for diseases and I am clear - thank god.

Those are as much details I can remember at this hour. I suppose there is more I can write but I don't know what is crucial to write or not.

Does anyone have some advice they can lend me? Has anyone else here dealt with it as I had? Has anyone else gone through the weight gains and the staring in to nothingness, the night terrors, the crying on the side? The short temperaments?

Please write me anytime. I could use shoulder and I shall offer mine to you...

Thanks, all.

-B

Hi, Picklesbjf! Welcome to the forum. It's ok to react in any way to a sexual assault. People just have different ways to deal with it and your mind tries to protect you. I guess that's why you convinced yourself that it didn't really happen or that you had to feel sorry for him.
What he did to you is wrong and he is responsible for it. Going through something like this would be traumatising for any one. I tend to over-eat if I'm very stressed or emotional too.
Don't feel guilty, becouse you did nothing wrong. You were trying to protect yourself by making it seem like nothing bad had happened.
I'm glad you can talk to your husband. You can talk here any time as well and there will be someone to listen.