PLEASE read this, I just really need someone to talk to.

Okay, so here's the long and short of it:

A couple of months ago, I was raped. I know exactly who it was, and I went to Public Safety right after it happened, only to drop the case a week later, so no legal charges were ever filed.

When I came back for spring semester, I went about one week before crashing. You see, this event had occurred towards the end of fall semester, so I was still able to pull a 3.54 GPA. But after one week of the new semester I couldn't do anything. My depression and suicidal thoughts were overwhelming, and at times still are.

I signed up with University Counseling Services in mid January. I went to my counselor every week and she eventually referred me to the school psychiatrist, who put me on antidepressants and as-needed sleep aids for depression and post traumatic stress disorder. It seemed like things were starting to look up for me; I was finally getting medication, I did better in the classes I actually got up and attended, and I met a bunch of new friends, one of whom became my boyfriend. So I figured, alright, I'm finally getting over this.

Not quite. Several weeks ago I stopped taking my antidepressants because I came to the conclusion that they were making my suicidal thoughts worse. I then stopped attending my therapy sessions, so I was "kicked out" of UCS. I'm just so tired of needing help. To this day I still think all these horrible things and I just want it to stop. Lately I've been considering hurting myself or imagining what might happen should I die.

Here's one of my biggest issues right now: the question of whether or not to tell my boyfriend I've been raped has come up several times with my counselor and my friend. We have been together for about a month and a half and I am just terrified of losing him. I'm scared that things will change between us because all he will see when he looks at me is a rape victim, and I don't want that. But I need support; only one friend here on campus knows. I need some serious advice!

If someone could please just take a few minutes and really read this and get back to me, it would be so appreciated. No one should ever go through this, but I'm a 17-year-old college freshman so my life is stressful enough without all this crap. I just need some encouragement to keep me going at least one more day. Thank you!

You should tell your boyfriend, just so you know whether he is loyal to you.

As far as the trauma and so on, you should look for some kind of rape survivor group. If you're in a larger town or city there might be a group with regular meetings. Call a woman's shelter to find when and where. (Call any social services agency and ask for the name of the woman's shelter in your town. Then call the shelter and say you need to find a support group).

It sounds like you trusted medications to deal with your traumas for you, then you realized that didn't work. If you don't deal with the trauma properly, then you will eventually need medication for real.

I definitely think you should tell him. Such things are not to be flaunted, (though after a month and a half, it would not be considered flaunting but simply being honest) but later if you decide to tell him, he may be rather upset that it was kept from him. None of us know your boyfriend, so if you think that would be the case, tell him.

I also agree with the above in the sense that you should seek a support group. As much as psychiatrists/therapists know about the human mind and how it works, nothing substitutes for an empathetic shoulder to cry on. Good luck and keep us posted.

Hi, stuck! Welcome to the forum. You have this place for support now and you can post here any time you want. What happened to you and what you are going through is horrible. Maybe you can find a support group, like the others have said, but a therapist might be helpful too.
Is anything happening that might be triggering you? Do you still see your abuser?
It's a good idea to be careful who you tell about this, but if you trust your boyfriend, you should tell him. He could give you support too and you can't keep it from him for ever.

Wow, thanks for the responses!

I think I am going to look into a support group, I know of one that isn't too far away. I guess one-on-one counseling is good but it'll be beneficial for me to be with other young women who are going through the same thing. So I'll give that a try.

There was another rape on campus last night. That's the third of this semester. It happened in the same building I was raped in and I couldn't help wondering if it was the same guy, but it wasn't. I heard about the rape this morning, and a little later I went to lunch with my friends, and my own rapist walked into the dining hall. I couldn't help but follow him with my eyes as he walked in and passed me. I don't know why I did this, but I turned around in my chair pretending I was looking for someone else and I met his gaze. It was only for a second or two but I turned right around, stomach turning. He had seen me before I turned around to look at him so when I did turn around he was just looking right at me. It was so unnerving, no matter how much I try to tell myself it doesn't affect me to see him, it does.

And yeah...I think I'm gonna talk to my boyfriend soon about this. I have a good feeling about that because he's sort of like the protective guy in our group of friends, for all the girls not just me. So I may tell him soon.

Thank you for your help everyone!

I'm sorry you saw him again. Maybe it would help if you got away from him. If you will feel like you can't take it any more, you should leave. His presence is triggering you and that might be why you are so depressed. It's awful that it happened to someone else too.
You still have this forum for support, and I hope your boyfriend will help you heal.

I may be completly wrong here but Im gunna throw my two sense in. I told my b/f after a month. He was good about it. I had crazy dreams and would wake up paniced and he was really good at calming me down and such. So in one way I think you should tell him. But then theres the rest of the story. We broke up after about 4 months and that was the first thing he threw in my face, and told me he was going to tell everyone includng my family. He is a prick. But I didnt know this before. I dont know how long you have known your b/f before you got together. But if you trust him, tell him. Because theres no better feeling then a guys arms around you telling you its gunna be ok. But make sure you trust him. I didnt know the guy i dated before we started going out, so I only knew the face he put on for me. After 4 months he showed his true self..... Hope this helps and Im not just rambling.

goinUP wrote:I definitely think you should tell him. Such things are not to be flaunted, (though after a month and a half, it would not be considered flaunting but simply being honest) but later if you decide to tell him, he may be rather upset that it was kept from him.

. . . .

As much as psychiatrists/therapists know about the human mind and how it works, nothing substitutes for an empathetic shoulder to cry on. Good luck and keep us posted.

That is exactly correct. As the out-of-town lover (and I mean LOVEr) of someone who went through the same thing, at nearly the same time, I can tell you that I would be DEVASTATED to find that my Love went though the aftermath without sharing it with me - it would probably ruin our relationship.

Please be prepared though, it may take him a few days to absorb.... the hurt is different, of course, but almost as deep. But if he is a man worth hanging onto, he will just need a bit of time to "rally", to where he can be what you need most now - it's something that gave me bad dreams for about 10 days. But we ARE slowly working through it. I only wish I was closer.... but that may change soon, very soon.

If he cannot respond, and support you - then you have not lost much of a man.

countrychickny, I haven't known my boyfriend for that long, only about a month before we started dating. After I came to the conclusion yesterday that I was going to tell him, I started thinking about what I was going to say, and this question got stuck in my head: "What is the point of telling him?" Like, "Just thought you should know that I was raped, but it was before we even met, so...yeah. Just thought you should know that, okay?" I feel like that would only make him worry more about me. I'm really at a loss.

Last night one of the guys we were hanging out with brought up Monday night's rape; the guy who did it lived upstairs. It made me so uncomfortable that I asked for the subject to be changed. They all looked at me carefully.

"Do you know the girl?" asked the guy who had brought up the subject.

I didn't look at any of them, and if I did it wasn't for more than a few seconds. "No I would just really rather not talk about this."

Awkward silence for a few seconds, then the subject was changed. My boyfriend kept watching me though for about a minute afterwards, then moved on to the next subject.

I don't know what to do!!!!

Im just speaking from my experience. But like everyone else has been saying. If your gunna tell him, maybe you should do it early. I really dont know how to bring it up. Mine got brought up when the guy who aped me called me one night and i smashed my phone, my b/f was just like what the hell is going on. It took me a while to actually get it out. and for the next 3 months he was great about it. Im pretty sure most men arent as messed up as the one I had, so yea, tell him I think. Just say , hey I want you to know something because its really hurting me and I want to be able to talk with you about it. ? I dunno. Hope it all works out for you.