the aftermath

Hello, I'm new to the forum and I've been having a lot of difficulties recently that I thought perhaps you all might be able to advise me on.

In short, I was sexually assaulted about two years ago by a male friend. The slimy cockroach has since disappeared, and I never reported it because I didn't want to have to go through the added humiliation of a trial. I just had myself tested for pregnancy and diseases under the guise of an annual gynecological exam, and I left it at that. The only other person who knows about this is my fiance and the guy we were seeing for pre-marital counseling.

Since the incident, I've noticed a drastic decline in my ability to enjoy life. I know that there are certain things that are bound to change after such an event, but I didn't think it would take so long to get over it, or that it would actually get worse over time. Sex (or lack thereof) is a big issue. I used to enjoy it regularly. Now I want nothing to do with it in any way, shape, or form. My partner has been very patient, and we've tried various things to get back what we've lost. This past weekend, we tried watching porn, and I felt like I wanted to throw up. For some reason, it seems very alien to me now.

I guess overall, the world seems like a much darker place these days. I just can't help but feel cynical and suspicious of those around me and wonder what their actual motives are. I just can't feel the way I used to, if that makes any sense. It's as if that part of me has shriveled and atrophied, and it seems to be getting worse with time, not better. Is this normal? I don't know what I'm going to do. The psychologist we saw had a deer-in-the-headlights look when I told him and did not have much to offer, so I don't know what to expect if I see another therapist.

Hi, Flattie! Welcome to the forum. It's normal to feel this way if you've been assaulted or abused. Maybe you can look for someone at a women's crisis center or something like that.
It's not your fault you feel this way about sex now or that you've lost your trust in some people.
That man had no right to do this to you.
I think that if you post here it will help you get better. It really helps to be able to talk to someone who has some idea about what you're going through.

Thanks for the welcome jasmin. I'm sort of running out of ideas, so hopefully I'll find some new ones here. You know, I always thought I could handle anything, even something like this. Now I don't even recognize myself anymore.

We can't be prepared for what something like this would do to us. You'll find yourself again. You have to be kind to yourself and maybe give yourself a chance to grieve becouse of what happened to you. Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with and tell someone if you feel triggered. We're here

And though it may be difficult, don't allow it to color your attitude towards life in general, and all men as well. I am still struggling with how to help a woman I care deeply about, that went through something similar over a month ago, and I can't be there to help because I am far away.

But even though she hasn't seemed to have joined here, which I thought would be a good idea, she tells me that the daily phone-calls, and emails, and the loving YouTube songs are helping. I hope so.
I dearly hope so....

"Flowers will blossom again in your life", there ARE men who care deeply what a personal Hell goes on with victims. It's just hard for us sometimes, we're not sure what to do.



ps: worth a try, I suppose, but I'm not sure that the porn was a good idea.... warm hugs, arms gently around you stroking your back, soft kisses on your neck would work much better, I think. And if he can cook, all the better - you have a right and a need to be spoiled a bit.
Pass it on from me.

This is horrible to have been done to you. My sister went through the same thing eight years ago and she is still getting over it. Nothing so wrecks your self image as someone forcing themself beyond your boundaries. It seems as though you feel helpless. I was raped by my dad, cousins, and uncles. It was very horrible. I still can hardly remember it, so pushed down. However, I am still mourning each day, in a small way. I have also reached a momentous time where I have accepted that I am like my dad, but don't have to make HIS decisions. I have control over me. Going to the "point of the pain" (the memory) is so important because it allows the emotions to release and one to heal.

radames - I don't what to say to you.... I truly don't. A "stranger" or a "pickup" might be one thing, but a trusted family member is another - and I KNOW it is somtimes completely out of your control! But it must jurt even "more", though I can't imagine it.
I have spent a fair amount of time lately with someone that has a teen Grand-daughter and I will admit she is not hard to look at. The sort of thing that makes a guy think, "If I was 40 years younger, I'd be thrown out the door by somebody's Dad."

But I am more worried about her attitude towards school, and work and stuff. It could be better, believe me.
But from what I have understood lately, she recently told her major boy-friend " No." But Numero UNO is to make sure she is safe! I won't go into that any further, but I've spent some late, late nights.... wondering what the Hell was going on in the living room.... and then went to to check, anyway. Thankfully, nothing I had to get a 7-iron out of the closet about.

I don't know how I could be much prouder of her. I've hugged her before - but I wanted to hug her again!


Well done, m'lady - well done. Brrrr

I think that it is great to see such a strong young woman, fighting the odds in a society that places so much pressure on them to be better than good all the time. In my opinion, you have a rare child there, elite in a lot of ways, someone to carry a message with her near and far. She won't compromise herself.

radames wrote:I think that it is great to see such a strong young woman, fighting the odds in a society that places so much pressure on them to be better than good all the time. In my opinion, you have a rare child there, elite in a lot of ways, someone to carry a message with her near and far. She won't compromise herself.

That's one of my biggest personal problems, she is NOT my child - although to me she is the daughter that I never had. I fret a lot about how things are with her, but have only limited ways to find out, through shared info from someone else.
I have shared a home with her and her family, cooked for her, hugged her in a rough time in her life, driven her to highschool in the cold - some of the happiest times in my life. But not enough to make that "final" connection; both of us held back (and somewhat awkwardly) at times.

But - as that song from "Annie" goes... "Tomorrow, there will always be a Tomorrow. Tomorrow is just a day away."