my story could be triggering~~

You are welcome, yellowrose! I'm glad you got that chip. I hope it helps. I'm afraid a lot too and I get really sad if I'm in a stressful situation for a long time. Don't let it consume you. It won't be there for much longer, becouse you are strong enough to beat it. We'll both fight it.

Where has all this been all these years, I know about alot of what happened to me , but why NOW , why all the flashbacks of EVERYTHING that seems to have ever happened to me , memories , names, and on and on , things that I guess were buried deep within me , that are all on the surface ALL at once~~

Before I go any further it is sat 3 pm , my clock on this site isnt the right time , so just wanting you to know here in Texas usa it is this time~~~

I was triggered by my husbands impatients last night and I went off , panick attacks and rage and screaming all sorts of hateful things at him~~!!!

My husband I thought had triggered me because he escalated his voice out of nowhere in my mind, I was just minding my own business and he was ready to go eat and I wasnt right then , he was hungry and getting agitated and was for awhile but I was in my own numb world doing some paper work and feeling really okaye about getting something finally done in my own personal life~~, that I selfishly wasnt really realizing he was waiting on me !!

All at the same time ~~~ as he was raising his voice in not a mean way just pure frustration on his part , nobody else probably would have thought much about his behavior , but All at the same time~~

My phones all started ringing all at the same time, my cell and my home phone , it was friends calling that wanted to come by and I was in a mood for myself, noone else and feeling guilty about it sorta , because I am NOT use to taking care of me at all~~~

There was literally 4 phone calls , from 4 different friends calling ALL at the SAME TIME , literally saying they were driving by my house right then and wanting to stop by to visit, and my Hus was walking to our door and I screamed at him to stop , because I was listening to their messages as he was ranting about wanting to leave and he was saying I was being co dependent and to come on ~~~ I screamed because I didnt even want to have to see them to say anything to them , I was liek jsut wait a little bit and give them all time to drive on by and we will leave then, he was caught up in my screaming and anxiety which set him off and we had a BIG fight ~~~

I freaked because I was hiding out in my own house from these friends driving by right then and I had felt frustrated all day from the one calling over and over since 8 am inviting herself over because her words she was bored, (this sort of hurt my feelings) she is a good person and I know she really loves me , she is real needy right now because of divorce and she is seeing a married man and this has almost ruined our friendship because I have lost so much respect in her for her choices , and I tried to talk to her about it but she just cried and so I just avoid her more than anything anymore because I dont agree at all with her doings , but dont want to judge anyone for their choices , I just cant deal with it, I had a man cheat on me for years and it hurt me so bad, so I am real sensitive to lying and cheating and I dont tolerate it well at all, I am to to to fragile at this time in my life to deal with that sort of stuff~~~ and to take care of me I dont deal with it , I avoid unless I am in a really good place and prepared to deal ~~

Most of all my friends , they have no idea what I am going thru in my personal life, I dont even get WHY and WHAT I am going thru , how to tell others , dont want to ~~~

So I dont share except with you all out here and sometimes my hus , when I am able~~~

I wasnt in the mood to deal with anyone yesterday or last night ,I was in to what i needed and wanted to do , I was trying so hard to take care of me and then BOOM all at once , phones ringing , and ppl coming by my house and my hus raising his voice, and BOOM I FINALLY LOST IT , AND STARTED MY OWN RAGING SCENE!!!

One friend had been calling me since 8 am that morning bugging me to come over, and I was having a bad day and didnt want to talk to anyone, so I wasnt picking up my phones, just gettting everyones messages, I didnt have plans with any of these ppl and they know I am messed up over the death of my father and my sister being unkind to me and clearing out my parents home and all~~

so ALL I was doing was checking my messages , I was sad as I love these ppl , but my trauma is what I am working on , they none of them know ALL that I have been thru~~ I really have NOTHING TO GIVE ANYONE, I most usually cant even brush my teeth or shower much less be smiling and saying to them welcome into my home that is as much a mess as I am right now~~

I mean ppl know bits and pieces of my life, but nobody really knows ALL , they kno there has been some serious issues, but no details as the details that are coming up to me NOW~~

I have never til now been so forward with discussing it in any sort of detail , so ~~and I dont really want to with any of these ppl at this time if ever~~~

MY point I was in a FULL BLOWN OUT TRIGGER FOR HOURS , PROBABLY FOR ONE HOUR I WAS CALLING MY HUS ON HIS CELL RANTING AND RAGING ALL SORTS OF HATEFUL THINGS AT HIM , leaving awful messages and TELLING HIM NOT TO COME HOME THAT I felt I could kill him or myself , I meant it at the time, I thought I did , and this scared me so bad , the triggers sometimes make me want to di*,I was shaking~~!!!

I was freaking out and making my voice hoarse from all the screaming and I was pacing the floor and spit was coming out of my mouth onto my cell phone I was screaming so loud and much , my hus calmed down and left me a message saying I could chose Not to be triggered , this triggered me more , I called him up and said you are so stupid and I called him back and said shut the F up , I cannot chose and you dont knwo what you are talking aboutand screamed at him I want a divorce , I am going to di* if I keep getting triggered~~~

My hus was so kind to me , he was calm and saying he was so sorry and was an idiot and to please forgive him for his impatience and he said WE CAN CHOSE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT , i SAID OK COME HOME ANd lets smoke some weed, we did and i started crying and telling him things i have never told anyone, he told me he loved me so much and was so sorry i was going thru all this and he wanted to hold me but knew i wouldnt let him ~~

THIS IS ALL CRAZY BUT TODAY I FEEL BETTER, BECAUSE I TOLD HIM WHAT I GO THRU EVERYDAY JSUT TO SURVIVE AND NOONE KNIWS THE FEAR THAT CONTROLS ME 24/7 AND TRYING TO COVER IT IS EXHAUSTING AND FIGHTING THE FEAR ADN THE TRIGGERS IS EXHAUSTING , WOW~~

THEN SINCE LAST NIGHT I HAVE REALIZED I HAVE BEEN TRIGGERED ALL WEEK , I SAW MY PEEPING TOM NEIGHBOR EARLIER IN THE WEEK HE CAME TO MY BACKYARD AND SPOKE TO ME AND I WAS AND HAVE BEEN TRIGGERED EVER SINCE AND SOMETHING ON TV BEFORE THE PHONE CALLS AND MY HUS RAISING HIS VOICE HAD ALSO TRIGGERED ME AND I EXPLODED~~

I AM SCARED , I AM NOT SCARED I WILL HURT ANYONE EVER, I AM NOT THAT TYPE , BUT I AM SCARED I COULD HURT ME KILL MYSELF DURING THOSE TRIGGER TIMES, THE ONLY WAY I COULD MAYBE EVER HURT ANOTHER PERSON WOULD BE IF I THOUGHT THEY WERE GOING TO ATTACK ME , BUT EVEN WHEN I HAVE BEEN ATTACKED IN THE PAST , I NEVER FOUGHT BACK ,ONETIME I DID RACK A GUY AFTER THE 2ND ATTACK I THINK ~~
SORRY I AM CRAZY AND HOPE I DIDNT HURT ANY OF YOU BY AYTHING I SAID, I AM SO SORRY IF I DID ~~ SORRY ALL OVER THE PLACE, BUT THIS IS ME NOW~~ Yellowrose9

Yellowrose, I'm sorry you were triggered like that. Your husband should know that no one can choose not to be triggered. You can't help it. This is happening becouse of all the abuse you went through, not becouse of you. You have PTSD. I'm sure you wouldn't hurt any one. At least you were able to tell your husband about what happened to you. I know it's awful to tell someone but still feel like they could never understand. It's frustrating. But what matters is that you understand and you can live through this. I think it's all coming to you now becouse you started to deal with your abuse and there is so much inside of you. It's ok to feel angry and scared.
Your neighbour has no right to violate your privacy like that. I'm sorry you were triggered by him and by your husband yelling and everything else. Your friends should respect the fact that you told them you don't want company and leave you alone.
I hope you feel better now.

I didnt tell my friends I didnt want company, I didnt even want to feel responsible to tell them anything , it is like i resented any expectation of me at that time, so they really didnt know from me personally that i wanted no compnay ~~~

I just didnt pick up their calls all day and i have always thought if they really know me or care about me they usually know this means I am NOT up for anything or I would pick up and call back~~!!!

i think when we go thru this sort of stuff, we also start seeing ppl and how they are not really good for us and they dont really care about us like we need them to and i think I am coming to terms also that i have been used as ppls cheerleaders all my life and that I have run off the good ppl in my life to seek out sick ppl to try to fix so as to not look at my own stuff ~~~

I am just now really since the loss of my Dad and the treartment of my one and only sister/sibling realizing that in her grief and my grief , that ~~~

I have used my sister in the way that others are using me i see now , I havent up until the recent past EVER respected her boundaries and I didnt even know I was doing this to her, it is a habit i am trying very hard to break~~!!

my sis is one year older , and i made her my mom all my life because my mom wasnt really there for me the way i felt i needed her to be , she my mom was serious and a intelletual , i am a free spirit artist type, my mom was an athelete , i was into dance , my mom and i looked exactly alike and we were alike in alot of ways, but i was giddy and silly to her, my mom was an alcoholic , but the star athelete at the country club, so i never realized she was a alcoholic, she never acted drunk , she was always in control , my dad was the one that appeared sick , but I see now we were all sick in so many ways, i love my family even thou they could treat me awful , i was everyones scapegoat, my sis that I made my mom is hard of hearing and was treated special and i was ignored and expected welll maybe i am getting carried away here~~~

point alcohol made my mom marose not wild and stumbling, just now i see it she seemed stifled, because when she got sober later in life, her persoanlity was really alot like mine, but she never appeared drunk and was so smart and together it was unbelievable, she was the top star golfer , tennis player and swimmer , she wore a bikini into her 50's and looked hot, she was a cutie, but I always thought she was ugly and all because it always seemed she hated me all my life, and hmmm~~~

Back to my friends~~

I feel that they are mad at me , because they dont really know what is wrong with me and why I do these strange behaviors at times, and this frustrates me , because I am just who I am and I dont want to tell them anything, because they just dont get it , ppl that have NOT had this stuff happen just dont get it~~~

This is why I feel so blessed to have your encouragement and strength and understanding, I dont feel like you are trying to fix me at all , I dont feel like you need anything from me , alot of my friends are needy and they need me to entertain them I feel and I cant most times lately now~~!!!

I get mad when I have tried to share things sine my dad passed,, because they think they are helping and say dumb things that make things worse, I know their hearts mean well, they are just ignorant to alot ~~~

Yal my hus said to me it just seems like I could control my triggers, and I try to explain, 1/2 the time I dont even know my own triggers, it is all so scary to me at times also ~~~ maybe I think what he is maybe saying is contol how I handle my trigggers better, like hmm, I dont know if I can , sometimes I handle things better than other things, but when I am full blown triggered , wow I feel like I am posseseed by something outside of myself almost, I tried to explain it to my hus like this~~~

I am a small cat and I see you and others as a BIG MEAN ANIMAL sometimes by things said to me or done to me , looks given to me ,, smells and sometimes voice tones, and on and on it goes, sometimes I dont even know what it is ~~~ anyway , I rant and rage and make myself BIG with words and yelling to feel STRONG AND POWERFUL , the way a cat hisses and claws , so to try to be more POWERFUL THAN THE MEAN ANIMAL I am seeing what ever it is to be ~~~

I am sorry for my ramble, what i would liek to understand, is what does it mean to be finally dealing with this, i think on some level i have always been like this , highly emotional and , i know the junk has always been there, it comes up now and again, but due to my grief and vunerablity and depression and beibg fragile i am just not coping with my life very well lately , so how to deal with it, what does this mean , what does it mean to finally be deaing with all the abuse, what does this entail , i just needed a clearer picture cuz i am not very here lately in my mind and all~~ so please if you dont mind can you please explain~~

Thankyou so much for addressing all my issues, you are very kind , i hope i am not triggering you by all i write, man this is just all in my head , heart and body 24/7, i am suppose to be getting my house in order and i have been on computer all day , geeezzz~~~

I have got one thing done , my fence guy called and gave me a quote and will be building me an 8 foot privacy fence to separate the peeping toms yard from mine in 2/3 weeks, i can only afford at this time the one side but this will be a start in taking care of me, i couldnt have done this at all , but since my Dad passed and we are selling alot of his and my moms things and my sis and i are spliting the money 1/2, i can afford to do a litte with this money , it hurts like He** to sale my parents things, but using the money for good reason I think they would be pleased ~~yellowrose9

I think it's normal to cling to your older sis when your mother is emotionally absent. At least now you've realised you were doing it.
I guess it's different for everyone when they start to deal with the abuse. It means that you know it happened, first of all, and you're not pushing it to the back of your mind any more. It's ok if you still have some memories coming up, you should only think about what you can and you'll be able to accept everything else with time. When you've aknowledged the fact that it happened, sometimes it stays with you constantly. You are constantly triggered and remembering. Sometimes you focuse on one memory, other times you keep remembering other incidents with the same abuser or with others. When this happens and the memories are with you all the time you have to find a way to cope with them. I'm not a professional, but I've sort of been through this. You can cope by telling your therapist and your friends here, talking and trying to figure out what's been going on with you all this time.
When you remember the abuse or when you are reminded of it by something in your environment, you are triggered. You have to find ways to understand triggers and that cat analogy is great. You learn how to recognize the triggers and what triggers you and why, make the connection with your abuse or even with the way you grew up. You can be triggered about your family or a certain period of time as well.
Analizing this will make you feel stronger and it will give you controll over your triggers and your life. You have to take it slowly and changes happen one day at a time. If you have someone to love and support you, that is also very important becouse you feel like you're not abandoned any more and you have a family to protect you and care and understand. This can be a friend, a relative, a therapist or all of the above. I'm happy to be talking with you too, becouse I'm still realising things about myself and it feels good to talk to someone.
Nothing is perfect and you'll also learn that you have to face life on your own, but that doesn't mean that you have to be alone.

It is 2 am and I am going to try to go to sleep now I just went out here and checked my posts and got your replies, thankyou so much Jasmin~~
Wow you have given me so much good things to think so much about and validating me with all I am going thru ~~
Tonight I had a pretty good evening after posting out on the forum earlier this afternoon and I literally did nothing today but fold one load of my hus laundry and fed my animals and loved on them and this was a day I just allowed the day and myself to just happen ~~
I wrote (emails) and called several of the friends and left messages on their phones , the ones that had been trying to get in touch with me this last week and yesterday evening~~!!!

I emailed the friend that is the one that is seeing a married man and told her I was mad at him and thought he was leading her on and why I have been sorta weird towards her about the relationship , I asked her to please not end our friendship over me not really thinking much of this situation and that I had many issues with all of it ~~~!!!

I told her that I was going thru my own memories of pain and good times clearing out my childhood home at almost 50 years of age, I was a part of that home for over 40 years, we moved into that home when I was 10 years old and sometimes when I am there I feel 10 all over again, the more I clear out the clutter the more the memories seem to surface , my friend emailed me back saying she is not mad at me at all, but seemed defensive of the guy who talks so bad about his wife to get my friend to feel sorry for him and nurture him as he leads her on ~~~ I feel better just letting her know it is real hard for me to listen to lately because he is a liar to her and hurting her as well as his wife and their children and himnself, I jsut feel better for telling her how I feel and knowing she heard my heart of concern for her over anything~~
Noone is above this and I am not judging her , I am disappointed that she would allow this to happen , but again I am not above it , and I will NOT judge , i am more worried about her being hurt~~
Anyway I know alot of the reason I had a better day and night tonight is because of all your words of wisdom and encouragement and I wanted to thankyou very much~~~ Yellowrose9

You are welcome! I'm glad you talked to your friends and took the day to just relax and let the day happen. That makes me feel better too.
That man shouldn't lead your friend on like that. Maybe she needs to tell him she'll support him if he wants to get a divorce or something, but this isn't fair to her or his family.
You can always post here to vent and ask for advice, that's what the forum is for.