Ready to be over this.... and lonely

I will start by telling you my story. It's been two years since my rape now and I am still not "over it" if you ever truly do get over it.

When I was 17 I worked at a restaurant in my hometown and one of my managers there was named Brent. We worked together for about 2 years and then he moved away.

The summer before my senior year of highschool I had went to the same church camp that I have been going to every year since first grade and I decided that I would quit having sex and wait until I was married. I even went out and bought myself a purity ring that I wore on my ring finger.

It had been 5 months and I hadn't done anything with anyone! I was sooo proud of myself. I was winning the battle. Then on homecoming night my parents went out of town and took my little brother and this was the first weekend in a very looooooong time that I had had the house all to myself so I decided to stay out late and hang out with friends. I had no plans yet and my manager (Brent) called me and told me that he was going to be back in town and that he wanted to hang out. I made it very clear that i would hang out with him, but only if there were other people with us, I did not want to hang out with him alone.

I met up with him in town and he got in my car and our friends were there too and they were supposed to follow us. When we finally got to my driveway I sat there for forever and realized that our friends must have misunderstood us and that they weren't coming so it was just the two of us. I knew that he would pressure me to have sex with him all night but I figured that I could handle it so we went into my house.

Once we got in the house the pressure started. I kept telling him about how passionate I was about waiting to do anything sexual until I was married (something I had told him numerous times before). I think I should clarify that I was 17 and he was 23. I decided that I should just come up with things to do to avoid any sexual advances so I went on the computer and then he suggested that we watch a movie so I agreed and he was on the coutch and I was on the floor.

I ended up falling asleep and woke up to him taking my clothes off and touching me, I told him no but I was completely out of it being that I had been sleeping. I said no a few times and then finally gave up and he had sex with me. I never agreed to have sex with him he just did it. I didn't fight him off or anything and this is something that I deeply regret. I just gave in and figured that I was a failure. Then I went and took a shower and went into my bedroom and slept because it was too late to bring him home. Then I had to drive him home in the morning, I didn't say anything I just drove.

The worst part is that he knew that I didn't want to have sex and he knew the reasons that I didn't want to have sex. I had talked to him about God all the time and I thought that it was making an impact in his life- I guess not. I'm pretty sure he was on drugs that night along with every night.

After that I made myself forget about it. It was so hard because I had to go to work everyday and hear stories about him and how great and funny he is while I was dying inside. I didn't realize that I had been raped, I just felt really defeated and alone.

To make things worse the two people that I told responded really bad. The first person was a guy that I was kind of dating and he got furious at me and told me how #######5 it was for me to let that happen, the other was my best friend who was a guy and he told me that it wasn't that big of a deal.

Then a few months later I was working and I heard "hey there, how's it going" and I looked up and it was him. I didn't say anything and I just walked away and spent the next few days completely furious. After that I told my cheer leading coach who is also the school councilor which helped. He tried calling me a few times and I never answered.

Since then I have found the man of my life and I am so happy. It seems like that night is the only thing that's holding me back from having the life that I want. I have nightmares about it and it seems like I'll have relapses where something will remind me of it and then that's all I can think about for days.

I still feel like it's mostly my fault in so many ways. I had sex with him before when I was 15 and he was 21. Also I shouldn't have put myself in that situation anyways.

I want to confront him about it so bad, I feel like that's what's holding me back (which probably isn't true but that's what I think). I just want him to know what he did to me. I wouldn't meet him EVER but I want to text him or something. The problem is that I don't have his number.

I was ok for awhile and then I went home for Christmas and found out that a lot of my really good friends still hang out with him even though they know what he did...... I feel so betrayed.

So the point of this is that I don't know where to go or what to do anymore, I am completely clueless. I have thought about going to a counciler but I'm scared. I don't know what I'd say or what they could do for me. It seems like that is my last resort. I feel like no one knows what I'm going through and I don't want to put my burden on anyone else's shoulders so I keep everything to myself and it's killing me.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

What you did here is a start. Talking about it is the only thing I know that really helps. You need to understand that none of what happened was your fault, and you need to be able to let go of the personal guilt you feel. It doesn't matter if you slept with him a hundred times before, you said no that time and he didn't stop. If your friends still hang out with him, then they aren't your friends.

Hi, nyki88! Sean's right, you didn't want to have sex with him and he knew it. That means that he raped you. It doesn't matter that you couldn't fight him off. You had told him that you didn't want to have sex and even if you hadn't been able to tell him to stop becouse you were too scared it would still be rape. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Those people who said were your friends but hang out with him do not deserve your friendship. You're better than them.
Maybe talking with this new man would help and he'd try to give you support.
It's normal to get triggered about what happened to you and feel really bad afterwards. It happens to all of us, but it can get better if you talk about it when you've been triggered. You could post about it here, if you want. It helps me.
You can talk here all you want and maybe you can find a good counsellor. If you don't and you still feel like you need one, you can keep looking. You have this place now. Talking always makes us feel better.

Hey! I kind of know what you're going through b/c my situation is similar. I said no before sex and didn't say anything while it happened...

I know the guilt you feel. But you must realize that you did say you didn't want to have sex and HE is the one who chose to ignore what you had said. HE knew it wasn't right and HE is the one in the wrong. But it is tough to get past the personal guilt. I'm still coping with it.
So I wish you the best & please understand that it isn't your fault. He knew better.