Insight Would Be Appreciated

Hi, I'm not sure if this is even the right forum to post in but I just kind of wanted some insight into my situation. When I think about it objectively, I kind of think that what happened just wasn't right. But then I also kind of feel like it was my fault, etc.
Anyway, I'm going to describe what happened. Me and this guy had both been drinking. Things kind of progressed & we ended up in his bedroom. I asked if he had a condom, and he didn't. It was kind of a big issue, looking around the room for one, etc. He didn't have one, so I said "Okay, well actually I should be going home anyway." Then I got up and started walking out the door, then he grabbed my hand and said "don't leave. we don't have to have sex." He said we could just have oral sex. I said okay, but I'm not having sex (like intercourse) without a condom. It was VERY VERY explicitly clear that I did NOT want to have sex without a condom and he knew that! So, (sorry to go into detail-just trying to be clear) he was performing oral sex on me and then said, "Hang on a second, let me try something". And then he just penetrated. I didn't say anything... I still don't know why-- I wasn't expecting it at all, it was my first time, I wasn't sure what to say, curiosity? I thought--well if he has anything I've gotten it now. So I just kind of layed there for a few minutes, and then I just kind of layed there, went with it? I had already been feeling kind of depressed & low before this even took place... was it ultimate self-destruction? I don't know... I know I should have said stop.. but I mean, it was 110% explicitly stated and clear that I did not want to have sex without a condom. I just don't know. And now I'm terried I've caught something. I've been to the doctor's 3 times & he thinks it's in my head due to the anxiety caused. I can't concentrate on school, I just get really anxious & can't study. I obviously should have said something at the time, I was kind of shocked & had a little too much to drink. But when I can think about it objectively, I can say, "Hm. That just doesn't seem right." I think he took advantage of me, and I let him. From the "We don't have to have sex" to the "Wait, let me try something"--not asking if it was okay or anything.. especially when he knew I was not interested in sex w.out a condom, it just seems wrong & manipulative. I'm kind of thinking he was kind of had that idea in his mind even before everything happened. I kind of feel manipulated. A couple months later, I called him & he asked, "I wasn't being too pushy was I?" I don't know. I think maybe he realizes it wasn't right.
Ugh, anyway... sorry for the length. I'm just kind of confused and don't really have anyone to talk to about this. I just would appreciate some opinions/insight about this situation...I'm not completely sure how I feel about it. I don't think I was raped.. but when I can think clearly I feel that I was taken advantage of/manipulated. But I also feel really responsible. I just didn't feel comfortable having unprotected sex, and he was well aware that I did not want to have sex without a condom, yet he chose to ignore. Well I'm done, just wanted to get this out. Appreciate responses. Thanks.

Hi, tristen19! Welcome to the forum.
If he knew that you didn't want intercourse and he did it any way, he took advantage of you and sexually assaulted you. It doesn't matter that you were doing something else.
I understand that it must be very confusing, but he knew you didn't want it. And even if you hadn't told him, he should have asked first. Consensual sex means that both partners gave consent. I think a part of him has realised that what he did was wrong and wanted to make himself feel better by asking you if he was too pushy. He shouldn't have done this to you, he had no right.
Can you talk to someone about this to make the anxiety go away? I hope you can find a good therapist if you decide that is what you want.
Maybe the doctor is right and that is why you think you are ill. Maybe he was in your body so now you feel like you have to fight something that is in your body, like a disease.

Thanks Jasmin!
Yes, I didn't tell the doctor exactly what happened. But I think he was thinking something's up. The last time I went in he suggested talking to someone, which I think I will do. I'm still terrified I have something, but I do see how it could be a subconscious reaction. I guess it is just really confusing for me, and I feel responsible & guilty for going along with it. But I guess I know too that it just wasn't right.. and it's not fair to subject someone to that. The worry and the way it's interfering w. my life just doesn't seem fair.

When something like this happens, you can freeze and be too shocked or afraid to try and get wayay. So you act like it is normal, so that you won't feel in danger anymore. It's a coping mechanism, I think. It can happen to anyone.
The fact that you happened to cope like this instead of fighting him or telling him to stop has nothing to do with what he did to you. No one should do something when they are not sure the other person wants it or when they have been told that it is not wanted. If you had been having intercourse and you didn't want it any more, but he didn't respect your wishes, it would have been rape. So, this is rape or assault too. It's pretty much the same thing, it doesn't matter that you told him you didn't want it before you started having oral sex. I'm glad you will talk to someone. And if you don't find the right therapist, you can look for someone who understands and still talk to us here.
No, what this is doing to you is not fair. What he did was abuse and he is responsable for it, not you. You should not be suffering.
You derseve to heal and I wish you the best of luck!

tristen19 wrote:Thanks Jasmin!
Yes, I didn't tell the doctor exactly what happened. But I think he was thinking something's up. The last time I went in he suggested talking to someone, which I think I will do. I'm still terrified I have something, but I do see how it could be a subconscious reaction. I guess it is just really confusing for me, and I feel responsible & guilty for going along with it. But I guess I know too that it just wasn't right.. and it's not fair to subject someone to that. The worry and the way it's interfering w. my life just doesn't seem fair.

That's crazy tristen, I popped onto this forum over kind of the same thing.

btw- the guy totally crossed a line- what a douche-bag.

I think you feel like I do about my assault- a deep feeling of guilt that you sorta gave in the end?