What to do?

Alright.. I know starting this will be the most difficult.. So I'll just tell you about myself first.
I'm a finnish girl, living in Luxembourg right now as an au pair. I am moving back to Finland in 3weeks. I'm turning 19 also in 3weeks. I'm in a relationship with a guy who lives in England, so we don't get to see each other too often.

Okay so.. Last weekend, I went to a nearby club with my friends. We had been drinking before that, especially I had had lots to drink. And the club had a special offer that champagne was free til 1am, so I gotta admit that we all drank quite alot. I really haven't been that drunk in a long long time.

When I woke up the next morning, at first I couldn't remember anything that had happened the night before. Then slowly I started collecting the pieces.. We went to the club.. we had a laugh, had lots to drink.. I danced with my friends... And as usually happens at clubs.. some guy came to dance with me..

Next memory is me panicing and crying to my friends, apparently cause I had lost my bag, though I remember I was panicing really badly and it wasn't normal. My friends found my bag and I left the club, I remember I ran half of the way for some reason. I just remember thinking to myself 'I wanna get home, I wanna get home.'
Also, when I woke I felt that my *places* ache. Both side, if you know what I mean. I was confused but decided to ignore it.

Well, after I talked to my friends and they were laughing about me being so drunk etc, they also asked me where did I dissappear at one point during the night with the guy. I was a little confused, I can't remember anything. I just thought we had been dancing at the dancefloor and that's it.

Later I was at home, thinking about it. Trying my best to remember.
Suddenly I got flashbacks, the guy from the dancefloor. Us going outside the club, as he wanted to get 'fresh air'. I remember it was damn cold night. I was freezing, I told him I wanna go back inside. He tells me lets go for a walk so I'll warm up and we can talk while walking. I don't know why but I agreed, even though I felt bad leaving my friends at the club.
Near the club, there's a park. My next memory is him, all over me, pushing me against something (I can't remember what), penetrating into me. First he did it from the front, then as I kept trying to push him away and hit him, he turned me and did it from the back. I remember crying out loud and telling him to stop.

Then I don't remember what happened, I really don't. Next memory is of me panicing inside the club and telling my friends I need to find my bag so I can go home.

So now, few days later. I've told my two best friends (who live in Finland though) what I think happened to me. Also I told my boyfriend.
Is this.. incident that happened to me.. really a sexual assault? I was the one drunk, I maybe let him think I wanted something else, I was the one who agreed to go 'for a walk' with him even though I didn't know him. I shouldn't have been so drunk.

I feel really guilty about this. I'm not too naive though, I've read about sexual assaults before and I know that most victims feel guilty and think it was their fault. But I just CAN'T shake this feeling off.
I feel really.. numb. I try not to think about the incident, though it keeps coming to my mind all the time. I just try to push it away, get something else to think about. When my best friends and bf ask me am I okay, do I want to talk, etc. I just smile and say it's okay.
I really want to go back to Finland, back home. Away from this country. I've lost all my motivation to work here as an au pair, lost my motivation to meet anyone (as I have lots of other au pair friends here), lost my motivation to go out at all.
I don't want to report the incident to police, I don't want to go to a doctor here as I don't want any stranger touching me anymore, ever again.

I don't know what to do. I can't tell my host-family, I can't tell my friends here in Luxembourg, I can't tell my mother or family in Finland. I want to go back to Finland but I can't, I'd leave my host family in a messy situation without a babysitter. And then I'd have to tell everyone why I want to go back home. I know it'd be best for me to just go back home, but I -can't-.

I'm sorry this post became so long. I just.. need help. I'm sorry.

Hi, Cherie. Welcome to the forum.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. Of course it was sexual assault and no one has the right to do anything like this. It doesn't matter that you were drunk, you didn't give him the wrong impression, you have every right to be drunk and not want to have sex. He raped you and he should pay for what he did.
I understand that you are afraid, but are you sure you can't go to the police? It's your choice and no one can force you.
I think it would be best for you to go home, if you feel like you need to. Don't put any more stress on yourself than there already is.
This is the time when your assault is very fresh in your mind, but you will get better. Please go see a doctor, you can look for a female doctor. And look for a psych who could help you when you get home, maybe at a women's crisis center.
Give yourself time to grieve and don't worry about feeling this way, it's normal. You have done nothing wrong and you are not to blame for anything, he is.
I'm glad you told some friends and your boyfriend. Ask them for help and support when you need it. I think talking about it would help a lot. I wish you the best of luck.

Yes it was cherie. *hugs*

I think you should copy and paste your story here on Healing Wounds, makes it easier then having to repost.

Hang in there friend.

I know it's hard Cherie but please don't give up. You NEED to see a doctor (as someone mentioned before-you can see a female doctor) and it really is important to report this guy who did this to you. I know you don't wont to think about what happened but it will give you strength and it will be that much easier to "move on". Just remember that you are worth it and don't feel guilty about your host family. I had to leave my host family too because I had a health condition. These things may not always happen but they certainly can and are expected. I think you should talk to the parents and tell them what happened..I'm sure they will understand and you will then be able to go back to Finland to see your best friends and boyfriend because you need a support network right now. --Take care