Taken advantage of? (hope I'm overreacting) Possible TW

I have been seeing a guy I work with for a couple months. The other night we were at my apartment watching movies and we were both drinking. I got very, very intoxicated to the point where I don't remember parts of the night. I do remember suddenly being in my bed and he was on top of me/inside of me. I do not remember how I got to the bedroom. I quickly faked an orgasm hoping he would stop, though I'm not sure if he did. I passed out/fell asleep. The next morning I woke up naked next to him. He started being lovey/dovey and asking me if I was okay, etc, but I was not and am still not entirely sure what to think. I noticed all of the clothes in my closet on the floor and he told me that I had fallen on my way to the bedroom (I do not remember). I saw all of the items on my living room coffee table on the floor and he again told me I had fallen more than once. I do not remember any of this happening. As I said, the next morning he asked me a few times if I was okay. He seemed a little bit flustered and left shortly after but has since seemed totally normal. (Sorry for rambling..)

I'm honestly not sure what to think about what happened. I know he had been drinking also, but based on what I remember (earlier in the night) he had four or five beers whereas I was blackout drunk. He also seemed to have a very vivid memory of everything that had happened. We had never had sex before and I never would have wanted to consummate our relationship in such a way. He's still texting me daily, being affectionate at work and still wants to see me. I would love to write this off as a drunken mistake, I HOPE it is, but I don't think he was even remotely as intoxicated as I was and the experience has been bothering me. I feel taken advantage of. There's really no other way to put it. But I'm not sure what to think would like anyone else's opinion on the matter. I really hope I'm overreacting.

-- Mon Jan 27, 2020 1:38 am --

I'll also share more unnecessary information. I have worked with this guy for over a year and we have been very good friends the entire time. Only recently did things turn romantic. I have been intoxicated with him quite a few times in the past and he never tried anything.

I have been meaning to talk to him about everything that transpired but I've been too nervous to bring it up, though I probably should, just to hear his thoughts about what happened. Just need to vent.

You were taken advantage of. Whether he did this intentionally or not doesn't change that. Where you go from here with this relationship is up to you but you honestly don't sound like this situation can be written off completely. It's effected you in some way (I'm assuming based on how you sound in your post). If you think it was an honest mistake on his part, and that you are interested in continuing things you should talk with him openly. If you don't feel like you can trust him or feel safe with him anymore, then maybe you should distance yourself. Maybe a little distance would be good anyway, so you can look at him a little more objectively? His constant lovey messages could be pushing you towards forgiving him when you don't actually want to.

These are all just my non professional opinions. I'm sorry you had a bad experience.

Thanks for responding so quickly, I appreciate it. I had an experience with sexual assault before while very intoxicated. Because of that experience, I sometimes wonder if I am just easily triggered when it comes to sex and overreacting about the experience I recently had. I bounce back and forth between feeling justified in my feelings/for being hurt and feeling as though I'm blowing this out of proportion/overreacting. After all, lots of people have had sex while intoxicated, without feeling violated. So when does it cross the line from being a regretful drunken mistake to taking advantage or violating someone? I'm just very confused and not sure what to think. I guess talking to him and/or seeking therapy would probably help. Would love for other people to give their input though.

Franzs, I'm sorry that happened to you. I think the best way to look at these situations is in terms of consent. If you were falling over and blacked out with no memory of events, then you were not in a condition to give your consent. You mentioned that it was not your intention to have sex with him. So that would be the guiding principle as to your true wishes. I'd think he would've had an understanding of that, based on the expectations for the evening. So I think he did take advantage of your lapse of consciousness.

As a guy, if you do something like that, you're taking a big risk. You're making the woman's decision for her, and then hoping she will be ok with it in the morning. There might be some circumstances where that would be valid, maybe in an established sexual relationship where she had expressed a desire for that to happen. But the first time with someone, it pretty much has to be fully and unambiguously consensual. To do otherwise is not really right. The right thing would have been for him to look after you, to help you to bed and then sleep on the couch if he was still concerned.

So I don't think you're overreacting. He clearly didn't have consent from you in a non-impaired state. Even if you gave consent in an impaired state, that wouldn't be sufficient in a situation where sex was not expected. The standard of behavior is higher.

I would take Poxalis' advice and talk to him privately about it. You don't have to be accusatory and put him on the defensive, you can just let him know it was not ok. You could think of it as a public service. If he sees how you feel, then he may think twice about doing that to someone else. You can also gauge him by his response. If he admits he was wrong and is genuinely remorseful, then you could decide if and how the relationship continues. If he blames you or tries to legitimize what he did, then he is not the guy for you, you deserve much better, so you can keep your distance.

Another option would be to pursue legal action with the police, that just depends on how strongly you feel about it. Since you were alone, it would be a he-said/she-said situation and often those are never resolved. I wouldn't discourage you, but you'd need to be prepared for what would follow. In any event, I hope you will be ok, and will talk to others about this if it continues to bother you.