What Happened To Me?

Do You Remember What You Did? Because I Can’t Forget

When I was sixteen…

Washington State law qualifies statutory rape as taking place when a 16-year-old engages in sexual activity with a person more than 60-months his or her senior and/or when there are drugs/alcohol involved. My boyfriend at the time was 21. He was the first guy I kissed. There were drugs and alcohol involved, and he was supplying them. He would guilt-trip me, say that I didn’t really love him, say that he was terribly sad, say that I needed to help him. Although at the time I complied, I was a child. He was a man and now (at age 21 myself) I feel that he should have known better than to coerce me into performing sexual acts that I was uncomfortable participating in. Does the fact that he is now diagnosed with bi-polar disorder excuse him?

When I was seventeen…

My third boyfriend was only a couple of years older than me. He had a fascination with anal sex, although I was NEVER comfortable exploring this. One morning after a night of heavy drinking, he informed me that we had engaged in anal intercourse. He told me that I had screamed and sobbed but that he did not stop for some time because I was “blacked out.” I do not remember this. I do not remember consenting to this. I never even considered consenting to this while I was sober—why would that have changed? I don’t think it did, really, I just think he did what he wanted to and I was too drunk to stop him. I wish that he had never told me. I don’t know why he did tell me. I tried to forget that he had told me, but the human memory is a tricky thing. I wish that I could live without this knowledge of what was done to me while I was “blacked out.”

When I was eighteen…

I woke up naked in bed with a co-worker whose house I had been drinking at the night before. I had no recollections of the night before, but I quickly gathered my clothes and left, hoping against all odds that nothing had happened. These hopes were dashed when said co-worker approached me at work the next day, took me aside and asked me not to say anything. Unbeknownst to me, he was involved with another girl at work. Kindly (or so I thought at the time), he gave me $60 so that I could purchase Plan B. I was confused at first, still hoping that nothing had happened. I bought and took the Plan B immediately after my shift and was thankful—in a way—that I remembered nothing.

What are these stories? Are they only stories of men taking advantage of me? Are they just stories of drunken teenage sex? Are they stories of rape? They were not violent. I did not walk away with bruises or cuts. I was not physically harmed. But years later…I still think of these instances. I remember them more clearly (what I can of them) and think about the way they make me feel more often than I think about the times I had great sex with someone I wanted to have sex with. What do these stories count as? How can I reconcile these instances within my own mind? How can I be at peace with them? Am I just a girl with a flair for the dramatic, hearing the “metoo” movement and stories of sexual assault and wanting to hop on the bandwagon? Am I a victim? Am I to blame because I drank too much? Am I the one who is truly at fault? Is this just “Boys Being Boys?”

I think your post will get different answers from many people. The metoo movement is putting sexual behavior, human behavior, respect, ethics, morals in the forefront of discussion. Women like yourself can now talk about these things now more than ever before WITHOUT the fear of being judged. It is not the women's behavior who should have been judged but the man's, but regrettably for generations that was what happened.

Right now depending on the persons view you will get support or moral judgement.

My thoughts are I wonder what sort of father those men will be. How in their mind can the justify that behavior.

Thank you for sharing, my comment to you was that no matter what people will call the behavior you experienced, you trusted these men and they failed you.

Rose, welcome to the forum, and I'm sorry those things happened to you. The answer to your questions revolves around consent. At 16, you could not legally consent under the conditions you describe. In the other circumstances, you clearly did not give consent, being impaired and unaware at the time. Possibly in the first instance as well.

In the absence of consent, those events would constitute an assault under the law. So it is not your fault. The limit of your responsibility was to become vulnerable. But being vulnerable was not a crime, and taken alone, is not sufficient for a crime to occur. Taking advantage of that vulnerability was a crime. The responsibility for that lies with the other person, not with you.

Imagine being with a different caliber of person. Your vulnerability could have and should have resulted in protection, not an assault. That would be the normal and expected thing to do, to make sure you were ok. It should be apparent that their choice to do otherwise, is not your fault, nor could it ever be.

So you are a survivor. Many survivors find that they need help and support to work through what's happened to them. You might benefit from that as well. It starts by talking with someone about it. There are support hotlines available if you feel you need to remain anonymous.

But in any case, I hope you will not blame yourself, that is the #1 struggle survivors face. It may seem easier to do that than to face what really happened. But it's not healthy, to move forward you have to put the blame where it properly lies. That's the first step. Again I'm sorry you have to deal with this due to someone else's actions. It's not fair and it's not right, but you can overcome it with time and effort.

just a note one what happened when you were 17. In Australia we had a case last year of someone who had been married for many years who drugged his wife so he could have anal sex with her. She went to the police, he was charged and jailed (and destroyed his marriage as he really did appear to care for his wife, ).

So yep, under our law, that would have been considered rape ..