I need answers.

My name is Victoria. I am 22 years old, I am french and if tonight I am creating an account here, it's because I need answers.

For years I tried to forget something, but recent events are pulling me back to the past.

I think I was raped. I never told anyone. Because for years I thought everything was my fault. But with women sharing their stories everywhere, I feel different. I feel like I need to share my story and know if my experience is a rape.

When I was 17, I met this guy. He was a bit older than me. Just a few years. On a sunday afternoon, I was bored, and he invited me to spend the evening with him. He brought his friends. And we started drinking at his place. His friends were very outgoing, they kept telling me to smoke on their joint, and at one point I agreed, I didn't want them to think I was still a little girl. We went in town to drink more. And I realized that the guy would never be able to drive me home later.
I had to sleep at his place. I started to freak out but he seemed like a very nice person so I convince myself everything would be alright.
Later, we went back to his place. Only 2 of his friends followed us. A couple. I was feeling better knowing a girl would be there.
He took me to his bedroom. And I was making small talk, I was nervous. We started to hear the couple in the other bedroom. They were having sex. I think it turned him on. So he started to kiss me. He tried to touch me, but I was pushing his hands away. Laughing nervously. He saw I was not up for it. So he just told me to get into bed. And he did the same. But after a few minutes, he started again to touch me. And he didn't stop when I was pushing him away. And then, I just let him. I gave up trying to stop him. So he did his thing. I was like petrified. So I just hoped it will be fast.
When he was done. He told me to go for a shower. Which I did. And I went back to bed. And I waited until the morning. He drove me home. The only thing he told me in the car was, "Don't make this face, if it about last night, you never said no".
"I never said no". I've never forget this sentence. Because that's the truth. I didn't try to stop him afterward. I didn't say no.
I believed for years, that it was my fault. And it is in some way. I should have fought him. I should have stop him.

Now, I am living with a family, I used to be their au pair. But I am more than an au pair. I feel like family. But since the partner of the mother moved in, I feel trapped. When he's drunk, when the mother is at work, he's making sexual joke, he try to open my nightgown to see my pyjama, he try to touch me. At first, I was laughing, he was drunk, so it's ok. I'll tell him to stop, and if he doesn't, I'll go to my bedroom. And it was over. But things are gone too far. At christmas eve, He touched my ass while the mother was there. She didn't see. She doesn"t see anything. Since that. Every time he's drunk I stay in my bedroom. Or ask one of the kid to come with me to the kitchen or sitting room. So I won't be alone with him. But every time the mom is working, he's going out to drink, and when I'm in the sitting room and don't run in my bedroom, he's doing his thing. He tried to kiss me. He try to touch my leg ,or my ass. Tell me to take my clothes off so we can have fun. When I go to bed he's sending me text, tell me to go upstairs to his bed. He came to my bedroom a few times. And everytime I hold my breath and hope nothing bad is going to happen.
It's been going on for month, Now it's too late to tell the mother. If I tell her, I will lose the kids. And god knows how much I love them.
Last week. They went out. And I was in the kitchen when they came back. The mom went the toilet and he saw me. He tried to put his hands around me, whispering my name. I pushed him away and went to my bedroom. I was in my bathroom, realizing how much I have enough of this. I heard my bedroom door open and thought it was the mom, but it was him. I saw his eyes, he had the eyes of a predator. So I shout to him to "Get the ###$ out of my bedroom". He laughed and went out.

Now he's been telling the mom that I am avoiding him. And she wanted to know why. So I say I am alright. Everything fine.

I want to leave. But the mother will not let me. In december I tried and she didn't let me. She was so mad. She told me if I wanted to go I will never see the kids again. She's doing her stuff, manipulating, telling how bad things are for me, If I go to England, I will have problem with people, that they are not nice in england and I'll end up dead like the Au pair who got killed by her boss last year. If I go back to France, I'll have nothing there either.
And I can just agree with her. I am scared of her. I am scared of what she's capable to do.
My only way out is to leave while they're away. To leave without telling them. But I need money and preparation to pack my car and book the ferry.
I am so lost. I am depressive. Sometimes I think death is the best way out. The only thing holding me back from harming myself is the thought of my family.

first this ain't worth harming yourself.

You need to remember some things. These ain't your kids. You might love them, but they are not your kids.

I would say tell the woman. What is going on, but somehow I don't think that would help what I think is that if you do not have money to leave if your French citizen. You should go to a French consulate or embassy and ask for assistance. This situation is unacceptable and you do not have to endure it and you should not not for anyone. These are not your children.

I agree. Emphasizing because if Snaga's post didn't convince you I hope another saying it will. I too wouldn't bother with the woman and would go to the embassy for sure.

Victoria, welcome and thanks for posting your story here. It will help others who may be in the same situation, to realize they are not alone, and there is hope for a better future.

So first, what happened when you were 17 was rape. You did say no and tried to stop him, but he overrode your objections. The fact that you gave up fending him off, is not the same thing as willing consent. When he said you didn't say no, he misrepresented the truth in order to justify what he had done. He knew he was wrong, otherwise he would not have said that. I'm sorry this happened to you and am glad that you are finally telling your story.

Please understand also that self-blame is very common in cases like yours. The survivor looks back and feels that they should have done something to stop it, as you have said. But to say that is to accept responsibility for his actions, which you have no obligation to do. It was on him to listen to you and respect your wishes, you made them clear. If he didn't, he is to blame for that, not you.

Then with regard to your present situation, I agree with Snaga and Holodeck, and would further add that your uncertainty and thoughts of suicide are due to your isolation. You don't have any support in that environment, the boyfriend will continue to escalate and the mother is not listening and probably doesn't want to hear. You deserve to be in a healthy and supportive environment, and that is definitely not it. So a change is needed and you should not hesitate to remove yourself.

Your affection for the children is a great thing, and is a tribute to your character. But they cannot change the environment and make it healthy for you. So although it's not their fault, through your bond with them, you are tied to unhappiness and possible danger. You can try to remain in touch with them after you leave, and you don't have to love them any less. But you can't love them at all if something happens to you. So your well-being and safety have to come first.

Given your degree of caring for this family, I'm sure you can find an arrangement with another family, who would value you and provide a good environment for you. You have every right to expect that. The problem is not with you, it's with them. Please don't let their problems become your problem. You should be free to fully be the loving and caring person you are, and have that be appreciated, without being under threat of personal danger or manipulation. So please, give yourself that chance.

Please also let us know what happens, we are here to support you, whatever you decide.