*T* I think my best friend's cousin raped me.

Hello,

I've never written in a forum before and am new here so please bare with me as I try to figure this all out. I also have never told my story before, so this may not make a lot of sense to anyone but me, but I'll try to be as responsive as I can in answering questions and comments.

To begin, this happened about 5 years ago. I have sort of blocked it out of my mind for this entire time because it's difficult to think about, but I'm at a time in my life where I want to confront this problem. Also, my best friend's wedding is in 4 months, so this cousin will be at the wedding and I will have to see him there, so I want to deal with these emotions and figure out what happened before I have to see him again.

For the sake of the convenience, I'll refer to him as "D" throughout this saga. Now I had been "friends with benefits" with one of D's best friends all throughout high school, but my family and I were preparing to move to another state. D's best friend didn't want anything to do with me anymore, and I was honestly hurt by that. Knowing this, D texted me one night a few weeks before we had to move and asked if I wanted to come over to his house and watch a movie. He was known in our small town for getting around if you catch my drift, so I was hesitant to accept his offer. I resisted, and said that I knew what it was going to lead to and wasn't comfortable with that. He assured me that it would just be us hanging out watching the movie if that's what I wanted, and I trusted him with that. He came and picked me up, and we drove away from my house.

We ended up going to his shop in town instead of his house. This was a completely separate building that he was known for throwing parties in, but also had a side room that was furnished with a pool table, a couple of couches, and a television with a sound system. He took me in there, and picked out a movie for us to watch. He sat uncomfortably close to me on the couch, and when I tried to move away, he moved even closer. We got about 15 minutes into the movie when he tried to kiss me for the first time. I tried to dodge it, and he told me to "stop being a tease." I was absolutely repulsed by this man, and didn't want to have any physical contact with him at all, but part of me wanted to get back at D's best friend for hurting me right before we were moving. I told myself that I would agree to kiss him and that would be the end of it.

Of course, it's never that easy. He continued to pull at my clothes and told me to "stop acting like I didn't want it". I'll spare you the details, but I was essentially a rag doll for him to do with as he pleased that evening. It was the worst 30 minutes of my life, and it felt like it would never end. He finished, and immediately I asked to go home. I was bleeding and my vulva was so swollen I couldn't touch it. It was black and bruised for 2 weeks following the incident, but I didn't say a word to anyone because I was terrified. His family was a big name in our small town, and I was worried that he would say that I wanted to have sex with him but just changed my mind, or that I made the whole thing up, or something worse that I couldn't imagine. I was worried that my close friends wouldn't believe me, and I was worried that since it was just me and him there nothing could be done to prove it actually happened.

Now, I have a boyfriend that I love immensely and we've been together for over a year. This is the one thing from my past that I'm terrified to tell him about because I don't know how he's going to react. I don't know if this is going to be a deal breaker for him or not. I have told absolutely no one in my personal life about this, and I don't know how to break my silence and talk about it. I would love some advice on how to begin this process. Thanks in advance.

I cannot answer everything but can tell you that some secrets are best not shared especially during the early emotional stages of love. If you think after 20 years of marriage that telling him would be a deal breaker, then maybe you don't think that much of him. Maybe he is not the one.

We are human and stuff happens. I don't think we realize when young exactly how much stuff happens to others.

Take care

Sorry that happened to you. It sounds like you are ready to talk about this now. You could try talking to one of the many rape counselling services first. That would give you a chance to experience telling your story, and receive some support and advice from people who understand.

Then you could consider whether to tell your friend or your boyfriend, which you might want to do before the wedding. If the cousin has the reputation you indicated, they should be likely to believe you.

Maybe at a minimum, you could explain to your friend that you had a bad experience with him, so you don't want any contact with him at the wedding. That would make it easier for you to attend. Your friend should understand that and make it possible for you to remain separated.

Then maybe if it goes well with explaining to your friend, then after the wedding, you could try explaining to you boyfriend too. He should understand but might be angry at the cousin, so maybe not a good situation for the wedding itself.

These are just suggestions, but I think you have a right to talk about this and get the support that will help you to deal with it. So I hope you will at least be able to speak to a counseling service.