Is this me or my trauma?

I just want to preface this by saying that I know I am a bad person and that what I did was a choice. I am not looking for someone to talk to me about the morality of cheating. I just need to better understand if this was really me and something I really wanted or a result of some deeper emotional problem...

I will try to make this as brief as possible.

Three years ago I was assaulted by someone who I considered myself to be dating. Things went terribly from that point on and I left school due to retaliation from the frat/sorority we were involved in.

Fast forward, I am in a committed relationship of almost two years. Over the summer, I was interning out of state and had already faced some doubts in my relationship. Us being apart would give me a clearer picture of where the relationship was going. I felt surer and surer about my decision to take a real break or even just end things. However, at the end of the summer, one of the other interns wanted me to sleep with him. I was very tempted, but said no because at that point I felt like I couldn't put my boyfriend through the pain even if our relationship was coming to a close. When we left, we started snapchatting, which progressed into sexting, pictures, and videos over about four weeks. The attention felt so good. He was enamored with me. And I liked the idea of an adult sexual relationship with no strings attached (he had a girlfriend and lived in another state).

During this point, I asked my boyfriend for a break. It lasted four days and he begged me to give him a chance. He was willing to try to make a future for us. I had never stopped loving him so I wanted to make it work. I admitted to sexting and he forgave me, but asked that we "take it slow."

I kept it on for three more weeks with the intern. We kept saying we would end it, but never did. It was too tempting. Finally, after demanding photos and "quickly", he said we had to delete each other off of snapchat. This really hurt me. Because I had been used again. I thought we were friends with benefits and once the benefits ended we would go back to being friends. I did not react well and blocked him.

A few weeks now without the attention and I am beginning to realize that there may be more to my foul mood than just rejection. I have been extra attentive to my boyfriend and try to hang out with my friends as much as time allows, but I still feel like I am missing something. I have been trying to drink and party more, thinking that some excitement is what I am craving, but it doesn't seem to fulfill me. I am often sad at night because I feel alone. And honestly, I think I am craving male attention. How objectified that boy made me feel. I am desperate for it, which makes me sad. The last time I felt like this was after my assault; how confused and lonely I was, and how desperate for it not to be true and pretend things were normal. After the school case was close, I went a little crazy and started drinking heavily and slept around. Why? I couldn't tell you, but that's sort of what I feel like now.

I guess I am looking for someone to help me understand the after effects of sexual assault. Its been three years now and I thought it would be in the past. But cheating is something I NEVER would have done before, so is that who I am now? How do I get past this desire for attention that I know will not make me happy in the long run?

Sorry this is so long and rambling. I am really confused and don't know where to look for help working through this kind of issue.

Any advice is welcome

PS. I am still currently in a battle with depression/anxiety so those symptoms could be effecting things too.

Did you ever receive any therapy for the assault you went through?

If you have gone on from the assault but haven't done anything to work through and resolve the difficult and complex emotions that come with such an experience, then it's unlikely that simply "time" will help. Time isn't really a healer of all wounds, you generally need to actively engage in understanding your reactions and emotions that come from such an experience so that you don't continue to be affected in your future interactions with people.

It sounds like your past experience has impacted you in your new interactions with this intern and your boyfriend. Working through some of this in therapy could be helpful to you to understand why you would behave in this way and what relationship your actions in this circumstance might have to your past experience of assault. You are not a cheater if you choose not to be, but that is a choice that is difficult to make without understanding why you felt drawn to this behaviour in the first place. If you know why you look for this kind of attention and can resolve your thoughts and feelings about it, you will be able to resist, if that is what you choose to do. Reaching out for help is important because it is difficult to work through an issue if you have no support or insight of others. You have done well to write here. Do you think therapy is something you would consider?