*r* *t*

Smurf, I'm really sorry you are going through this again. For what it's worth, we do believe you, your descriptions are too vivid and true-to-life to be made up. You've shared a lot more than usual here, which is a good thing. It helps us to understand and relate, which we otherwise could not do, given the extreme extent of your abuse.

Since you've been through this cycle before, you know how it goes. As you approach the anniversaries of your assaults, or have contact with your abusers, or are traumatized again, that lets loose the negative voices in your head, which then have a field day.

On the one side is your intellect, which knows the truth and that you have been honest about it. Also your sense of justice, which knows that what's been done to you is an incredible injustice, that can't be excused or justified in any way, regardless of what your abusers or the voices (which are their surrogates) say. And those aspects of your thinking are absolutely right, Smurf. No question there at all.

On the other side is the damage that's been done to you, and the many instances of unjust treatment you've experienced, that imply you have no value, and are worth nothing. Those aspects of your thinking are artifacts of your abuse, and are absolutely wrong, Smurf. Without question, they are an echo and a continuation of your abuse, but they are neither real nor right.

So I wanted to emphasize this, Smurf, even though I know you are smart enough to be aware of it. And to remind you that you do have value on this earth. The world is better with you in it, so we want you here. Your value is intrinsic to you and cannot be diminished by others, no matter how unjustly you are treated. Your intellect knows the truth, Smurf, so you have to hang on to that as the only thing that is real and right.

The rest is BS that I wish to God, had never existed and could be erased, so that you'd have had a normal life and the opportunities you should have had, to be happy. There is still opportunity for that, Smurf, if you are still here, and if you reject those voices as the trash they are.

How can I have any self worth when the investigation uncovers so much evidence against me? It proves I lied.

I didn’t lie

Maybe I did lie

Either way I am being punished for whatever any of this is. Living with what has happened to me is hard enough, but being punished yet again by the powers that be, is just so unfair. Things beyond my control have been used against me. My mental health has been questioned and the judgment of ‘clearly unwell’ passed so many times. I’m also a ‘danger to members of the public (especially men)’. My abusers I suspect have been contacted and informed that I’m a danger to them. The only person I’m a danger to is myself. I’m hurting and I’m very very low. I have no reason to keep fighting, other than I’m scared I won’t even get that right. Even my ex has told me I must have some evidence somewhere that proves this has happened to me or she is ‘having none of it’. So now I have to prove to people that I’m telling the truth.

Evidence proved that I had been ‘willingly’ visiting one man since 2013. I first met him in 2010. I can’t prove it. I can’t prove any of it. I don’t even know some of their names. I really wish I couldn’t remember what they did to me.

I didn’t lie

I believe you too Smurf. Gentle hugs.

Smurf, sorry again that you aren't believed. That adds insult to injury, and as you said, is very unfair. From your description, it sounded like your abusers had sought to avoid proof by coercing you. So the lack of it is not that surprising.

For what it's worth, sometimes there is not the kind of evidence available for a successful prosecution, but that does not mean it didn't happen. These are two different things. I think in the end, you have be faithful to what you know is the truth, whatever that is.

If your abusers have been warned about you, maybe that could be a good thing, as they might leave you alone. Did they give a reason why you are a danger?

Is your partner seeing lack of proof as evidence that you cheated? I can see how that would be doubly unfair.

As far as your doubts about whether these things did happen, it seems like if they did, you were traumatized and are deserving of compassion. And if they didn't, then your mind has been playing tricks on you, but in such a way that you experienced the trauma as real, so again you were traumatized and are deserving of compassion. The outcome is the same either way, all that really matters is the truth. In neither case would you be lying, in the second case you'd be confused about reality, but that is not the same.

So in that sense, proof is not as important as your well-being, and for you to be well, the truth is most important. Maybe try to focus on that, and keep it in mind. And as Snaga said, please be gentle with yourself.

I didn’t lie.

I know, Smurf, I didn't think you did.

I just wanted to let you know that, if you were confused or unsure about any part of what happened, that would be ok, it wouldn't lessen our support for you. At times you have suggested that you aren't sure. Nothing wrong with that, or even unexpected, given all you've been through.

But whatever you are sure is true, we believe. It's obvious that you've suffered trauma, so that is beyond question, and it must have a cause. We rely on you to tell us what that is, and we accept what you say as truth.

I feel overwhelmed! I feel absolutely crap.

My ex has made it very clear she doesn’t believe me. She has reiterated health, social services and police don’t believe me. I knew this!

At what point does stop mean continue?

At what point does no mean yes?

I give up. No point anymore

huge huge huge gentle hugs smurf

I know it hurts, Smurf. Gentle hugs. If she won't be convinced, she won't, and that's her shortcoming, but it's not yours, sweetie.