*r* *t*

So sorry that happened, Smurf. I know you don't seek praise but you deserve it anyway. Please keep talking to the person who can help you. I know it's difficult, but so is what you're going through. So please give yourself that chance, and tell her. You can share here too, if you wish, or via PM to any one of us, if that is easier. You don't have to be afraid here. We all think well of you and that isn't going to change. You haven't let anyone down. Just worried about you.

Thanks Avatar.

I’ve been trying to reach out for help and support this week, but get scared and runaway

Understandable that you would be scared, Smurf, after all that's happened. Please don't blame yourself for that, no one could really expect otherwise. Your fear is not your fault. But even scared, the outcome is still better for you if you ask for help. So please don't lose sight of that either.

Fear holds us back, a few moments of courage can move us forward. You don't deserve what happens to you, but you could not possibly be more deserving of help. It's something you've earned through much suffering, you more so than pretty much anyone else. So please allow yourself to reach out for it. It's your right to ask, and no one can take that right away from you. Please don't be afraid to make use of it.

I tried again today to say what I needed to say, but again couldn't. I feel so ashamed and stupid. I'm still have physical pain and I'm a mess emotionally. I want to scream please help me, but the words just won't come out. I'm struggling to control the tears just now.

Well, sweetie, keep trying. Eventually you WILL. We can withstand an awful lot, but at some point, you will have had your bait, and you'll be able to say what you need to. You've gone so far, this year. Yes, we're awfully proud of you.

Smurf, it's ok, you have a roadblock that's been created in your mind by your abuse, just for that purpose, to keep you quiet. Please know that the roadblock is not of your making, and there is no flaw or fault in you for not overcoming it. It's taken years to build it, in your case beginning in your childhood. It can take years to tear down.

But first thing is to realize that the roadblock is not native to you, it's an artifact quite evilly created by others to continue hurting you. So you have no blame or responsibility for it. That's important because for someone like you, who is both highly intelligent and has a strong moral center, you cannot avoid the knowledge that it's wrong and shouldn't be happening, at the same time that you also can't overcome it. That contradiction can lead to self-criticism, self-loathing, self-hatred, and being disgusted with yourself, all sentiments that you have posted here. But only if you see it as your fault. If you recognize that the roadblock is just another thing that's been done to you, then at least your intellect will be working for you, instead of for them.

Then with you feeling better about yourself, maybe it will also be easier to find ways around the roadblock. If you can't knock it down, maybe you can poke a hole in it. You have been able to speak honestly and openly here. So maybe you can copy from here, or write it down and send it, drop it off, text it, make a paper airplane, put a message in a bottle, tie it to a thrown rock, or find another indirect method. You're smart, you can solve this, you can find a way to communicate that works for you. Just have to let go of the idea that the roadblock is your fault. You are absolutely not to blame for your difficulty in speaking on this. Your voice can be more persistent than the roadblock, if not more powerful.

Avatar thank you. I appreciate what you've said. I particularly like the idea of tying my posts to a brick and throwing it through a certain window. I'm sure the police won't mind that one Seriously though copying my post might be the best option of sharing the information, I didn't think of that. Both my mh social worker and ISVA are aware I'm struggling to say something.

I feel very low and exposed. I have a meeting with my manager tomorrow and I'm dreading it. She will ask me questions I won't be prepared to or able to answer. She won't let me avoid answering either. Grr

Very random questions

If you disassociate during an assault and you don't even remember how you came to be there and you don't recall what happened, even though you suspect what happened, but seriously can't remember it, how can you report it?

Is it possible to block something out for many years and then suddenly your head takes you back there, but things remain very sketchy?

Smurf, if you report something, they will consider whether there is actionable information. So if you are unsure, you could try and let them decide if they want to take the report. Or you could wait to see if more detail emerges.

It's certainly possible to have a partial memory surface after a number of years. Sometimes it takes awhile for your brain to process the memory, or before the immediate trauma is reduced enough that it's safe for it to do so. That wouldn't be unusual. I think it's an organic process, the memories come when they come. Can't be forced or put on a schedule.

Sorry to bump!

The anniversary of this is looming and I’m so freaked out. I’ve just had a huge flashback. I was reliving it all over again and the tears won’t stop