I think I may have been sexually assaulted

I'm really sorry if this is long, I just don't know what to think. This happened last summer. I'm a college student. I met what would become my best friend freshman year. I trusted her, we did everything together. Her family was like my own. When the semester was over, my parents went out of the country for vacation, and my neighbors upstairs had just moved out. So, we were completely alone and I was telling her how excited I was to have the house to myself.

I wanted to eat, watch tv, just hang out. She insisted on bringing alcohol, which I was up for. I've never drank before and thought I could live a little. The night was going okay, she was getting drunk, so was I. It's all kind of a blur and I don't remember the sequence of things happening, but I'll write what I remember. I remember wanting to sleep and I lied down. She ripped my pillow and covers out from underneath me, saying either you get up and dance with me or I'll ###$ you. I knew she was joking, but it made me uneasy, because I really wanted to go to bed. I don't remember, but at one point we were on my couch. She kept forcing me to drink, to the point where I was so sick and could barely move. I told her I can't take anymore, she screamed at me and said "YOU DONT KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CAN DRINK, YOUVE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE." I told her repeatedly it's too much. But she said no we have to finish this whole bottle. She was scaring me, and I didn't want to ruin her night or make her more angry.

We were watching some show, where the character made a drink for someone who he wanted to have sex with. She said, that's what I want to do to you, which I thought she was joking about, but it still made me really uncomfortable. At one point, she started saying that she wanted to have sex with me. I told her I can't, we're best friends. She told her it wouldn't ruin our friendship, I'm not a rebound, but I still kept saying I can't and I was so nervous at this point. She said "I can see it in your eyes that you want it" and "Don't fight it." "Don't let your parents dictate what you should do" Maybe I did want to do something, but I just couldn't I was too scared. I said maybe if we weren't so close we could. She's like I know you want to do this. I wanted to switch topics and maybe even go, but she said "No we need to talk about this." She told me to kiss her, repeatedly. She said if I kiss her then she'd know to continue, because she's "not a rapist." I told her I can't, I've never done this before, and she knows that. This is all kind of blurry, but she said come on kiss me, just kiss me. I said "I guess you can kiss me" because at this point she kept insisting and insisting. I remember what she was doing, and how I was shaking so hard the entire time. I remember her asking what would make me more comfortable. I said I wanted to take a shower. She immediately dropped her clothes and went in with me. At that point I think I wanted to. But then she started touching me and I was shaking so hard agaain, she asked me if I wanted to continue I said I'm just nervous. But then while she was touching me she told me to stop shaking, i was "making her feel like a rapist." I couldn't say no I was too nervous. The other part of the night was consensual, but for days after I couldn't get out of bed I felt violated and no matter how long of a shower I took I couldn't get clean.

I texted her saying that I hated her. She showed up at my house screaming at me saying "how dare you accuse me, you know what happened with my ex friend." She had a similar situation with a friend a long time ago who accused her of sexual assault, I don't really know the full story, I remember saying I believed my friend. I should have known this would happen, I remember picking her up from the train station and her saying there are days when she really wants me. I should have been more clear, fought for myself. But I hate confrontation, she was scaring me when she was yelling at me. I didn't know what to do, we were all alone at home. I heard through a friend she was trying to contact me, and that she blames me.

Any help or advice, I'd really appreciate. Thank you for taking the time to help.

I think if she were a he it would be far more obvious to you that this was sexual assault. She groomed you, preyed on your vulnerability and trust in her, then manipulated you. Yes, you were raped, and this individual is deeply troubled. I am so sorry this happened to you. Please, please consider trauma counseling to understand and cope.

Xfrs96 wrote:She told me to kiss her, repeatedly. She said if I kiss her then she'd know to continue, because she's "not a rapist."

But then while she was touching me she told me to stop shaking, i was "making her feel like a rapist."

To me this strongly demonstrates that she knew on some level she was sexually assaulting you else she wouldn't have openly denied it. If someone is having consensual, fun times with someone, they are not going to feel the need to do that

She has crossed a serious line and I hope she is able to own up to the heinousness of her behaviour You seem to already know in your heart that this **was not** your fault. It wasn't. 100%.