No one knows it happened to me

New member here and I figured I would post here before I eventually speak with a doctor. When I was 12 years old I was anally raped and forced to commit oral sex with my life being threatened. I would often times accompany my father to his life time friends place on an acre of land. His friend "Willy" was a 24 Pack of beer a day guy that loved hunting and being an alpha male. Due to my father working 2 jobs I would stay with Willy and his mother some days until 8pm. Willy was 48 I was 12. Willy often made remarks about my physique because I was chubby with gynecomastia and was a boy with chubby breasts. Willy was skinny and lean we would cut wood a lot and he would encourage me to remove my shirt. He would always joke or congratulate me by touching my bottom or grabbing my chest. He would have me pee outside along side him when we were in the yard. The build up you don't see as a child. One night Willy's mom was sick and couldn't prepare dinner and Willy was furious punching things and pacing around. I was crawling around with the dog on the floor playing. Willy was smiling at me from a standing position saying we are going to have some fun. We went to his shack out in the yard where he had a log burning stove and a hot tub. I loved his hot tub but had nothing to wear in it so he got me a pair of his mothers white panties to wear and told me it was his underwear. They were humiliating but it was night he told me it was ok so I went with it. He laid back drunk and didn't respond to anything I said until he asked me to check the log fire with requires standing on the hot tub ledge and peeking through the shack window. I checked and as I was responding he grabbed me by Neck & chest with tremendous force and Forced my head almost under water. He asked me if I wanted to live I cried out yes he told me if I don't take it he will kill me. He forced his way in and aimed to damage rectum. He threatened my life and my families if I told anyone which meant I would still be going there twice a week for the summer. He began forcing me to perform oral sex. The hot tub incident constantly haunts me and makes me feel like he might have done this to other people. I'm engaged to my fiancé who has no idea this ever happened

How despicable of a man to do that to a child! I'm so sorry that you had to go through that and I'm here for you. I too was molested as a child, so I understand the pain, suffering, humiliation and confusion that it causes. Have you considered therapy for this? I think that you may benefit greatly from that.