Was it rape?

About two months ago, I started dating this guy. About two months ago, I was still a virgin. I had told him before we even started dating that I wasn't ready for anything more than making out here and there. He told me he was okay with that, and that he didn't sleep with a girl unless they had been together for a couple months. One day, about a week after dating, I went over to his house to hang out with him. His parents came and picked me up, they were super nice, really cool. I could tell from the moment I got into their car that they had a very... expensive taste. It bothered me a little bit, I felt very out of place, growing up moving to a different house every year.

Once we got to his house, it was pretty much exactly how I expected it judging from their car. TVs in every room, loud sound systems everywhere. Once we walked in, his dad told him to take me upstairs to his room, show me around a bit. He went through and showed me every little thing in his room. Including the large stack of condoms in his dresser drawer by his bed.

Everything was fine for a little while, we laughed and joked around, talked about this and that. It was nice. He kept taking pictures of me and sending them to all of his friends, showing me off. It was nice, different than what I was used to with past boyfriends. He was kind, and gentle, and loving. At the time, I was recovering from a severe head cold and was having trouble breathing and my whole body was sore. He just laid there with me, cuddling up to me, he even gave me a back massage at one point. I had known him for almost a month at this point, even though we had only been dating a week. I felt loved, I thought I loved him just as I though he loved me back.

And then he decided he wanted to watch a movie. He searched everywhere for his TV remote and couldn't find it, so he grabbed his laptop and put a movie on there instead. A couple minutes later, his parents came upstairs and his dad fixed the TV without the remote. He handed him the remote to the dvd player and told us that they needed to run to the store and left. It was just me and him. We started watching the movie and I cuddled up to him, starting to doze off.

He got my attention, how I don't really remember, and I looked up at him and he kissed me. I smiled at him and before I could turn back to the movie, he kissed me again and we started making out. I had kissed several others before, so making out was fine with me. He pulled me on top of him and started to grope me. I was a little uncomfortable, but I wasn't going to say anything yet. Then he started trying to unbutton my pants. I told him no and pushed his hands away. We continued kissing and he tried to unbutton my pants again. I said no again, pushed his hands away and shook my head. He started kissing me and went to unbutton my pants a third time, I said no yet again but this time he said that it would be fine and continued to shove his hand down my pants. I wanted it to be over the minute he started touching me, but I stayed quiet. After a minute or two, he slid me off of him and had me lay on my back before he shoved his hand down my pants again.

A couple minutes later, he stopped and pulled his own pants down, instructing me to do the same. He grabbed my hand and placed it on his penis. A few minutes later, he told me to blow him. I shook my head and he said that it would only be for a couple of seconds and that it would be fine. I started to, but I kept stopping every few seconds to breathe (because my nose was stuffy from being sick a few days before). Eventually he told me to stop, I assumed because he felt bad, and I laid down next to him on my back. He told me to lay on my side and I asked why, he told me to just do it. I asked why again and he told me to just do it and that it would be fine. I was already upset with myself and I wasn't really thinking about what was happening, but I did it anyway. For a second, I thought that maybe he just wanted to cuddle. Until he grabbed my leg and pulled it over him. I froze up, knowing what was happening. I started having an anxiety attack, my throat felt like it was closed up and I couldn't talk. I felt him trying to put it in me. I felt the throbbing pain of feeling like I was being ripped in half once he finally got it in. And that's all I felt until it was over. He laughed, kissed my nose, told me that he just took my virginity, got up, pulled his pants up and walked away. I felt disgusting, I felt used, I felt regret. I started crying.

I know it's been two months and I'm too scared to tell anyone out of fear that they won't believe me. But also because... I don't fully know if this would be classified as a rape. I know I told him no in the beginning when he was trying to unbutton my pants, but I didn't when it got to the actual sex part.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I think his intention was to assault you because he kept pressing when you kept saying no, until you eventually stopped protesting. So in that sense it was an assault and a rape. He had to clearly know you were uncomfortable, and didn't want to lose your virginity, but he didn't care and his actions were not loving or considerate of you.

He should have had your explicit consent (yes means yes), and to proceed in the absence of that is very wrong. Also I think the circumstances of him being confident and experienced, and you being impressed by his family's wealth and inexperienced, and also wanting him to like you, made you very vulnerable. You can tell a lot about a person's character by their response to vulnerability. A person of moral character will consider your well-being and seek to protect you when vulnerable, or at the very least, their actions toward you will be neutral. A person of poor character will seek to exploit your vulnerability to their own advantage. That is what he did to you, unfortunately.

In a legal sense there may not be much you can do, since you either froze or complied with parts of it. But the more important thing may be how you feel, and coming to terms with what happened, so that you will be ok moving forward. You might seek some counseling or talk to someone close, it helps not to deal with it alone. I wouldn't worry so much about what someone might think, it's pretty clear that he took advantage. I hope you will do what you need to do, and what 's best for you now.

avatar123 has said some very helpful things. I am glad she has responded to your post. I don't know what to say a lot of times, but how she presented her helpful advice makes so much sense to me.