Was it rape if I wanted to pleasure him, without...?

Hi, I am feeling torn and uneasy about something that happened between me and my boyfriend. We were laying in the bed and I noticed that he was aroused. I wanted to pleasure him, my choice, however, without being pleasured myself. I made that very verbally clear, that I was not in the mood to have intercourse, considering we had just had consensual sex an hour or so ago, but I was willing to perform oral. He did not pressure me to. That part is very clearly my decision. It's not until he asked me to remove my pants. I thought maybe it was a preference thing so that he can see me and it would help him masturbate or something. I even asked if that was a preference and said that I still do not want to have sex. He didn't say anything. Then I was on top kissing him and helping him pleasure himself and suddenly inserted himself inside me. I was honestly shocked, but I didn't say anything. Then he put me underneath him and started to thrust. I am 168 cm (5'6), petite frame and he is 198 (6'5), heavy built. Although I wasn't afraid. We've had sex so many times before, but this was the first time I felt like I was picked from a shelf and that I wasn't really there. while he had sex with me, he would ask me multiple times if everything was ok. For some reason, I though that I didn't want to be the nagging girlfriend since I had already clearly said no a few times before. But after a while of asking, while still having sex, I told him that I already told him I didn't want sex. He paused, but continued. Then he asked again, to which I responded that he knows I didn't want. He stopped and I left to the bathroom while he finished on his own or whatever.
I felt and still feel confused and like I may have done something wrong in this situation. We spoke about it for hours last night, and he knows I feel hurt. He says that I think he raped me, although I refused to call it that. We both cried and he was extremely apologetic. Then he told me about his difficult childhood and I felt sorry, but as if my feeling were somehow being invalidated. I know he loves me and he is genuinely afraid of losing me. I love him to and it's the first time I've ever let myself open up to another man as much as I did with him, which is why I don't want to think it was rape. However, i still feel shame, hurt, and confusion. Perhaps even guilt. He is extremely apologetic and aware that i felt disrespected and understood why, but he repeatedly said that that wasn't rape. That rape is different. That if I had said that I felt pain, he would have stopped if I really wanted to. I did not feel pain, but I still said no. Shouldn't that mean something? I feel more torn that I've made him feel bad and I feel like I hurt him. I don't know how to interpret this situation and am not sure where I should stand in our relationship. We've been together 4 months, which I realise isn't long, but I'm not sure if it is good for me that I am falling so in love with him, when I think about this, when there was a similar incident when we first met..
Was it rape? Am I overthinking it? Or was it my fault?

It wasn't rape because you made no attempt to escape and he made no attempt to prevent you from escaping.

But my therapist, who I see weekly due to treating my depression and anxiety, calls it rape. She said that rape has nothing to do with physical force per say, although it could, but by definition it is about consent, and I didn't give it to him.
Now I feel bad, he's talking about his problems with his past and calling me crying about me leaving him and telling me to consider all of the good things beside his one small mistake, which has actually occurred twice, although he promised me the first time it would never happen again. And months went by that I got to know an entirely different person and then this happened. I just don't think it was nothing.. And I feel like he's pressuring me now about not ending things with him, but I'm not sure if I can trust him. My therapist suggested that this has happened twice now, that it is rape, and that if i stay with him, I have to accept the likelihood of it happening again.

What does it matter what it is CALLED? Will you allow it if it is NOT called rape? What you have to decide is - do you want to continue the relation, knowing that the thing can happen again, IRRESPECTIVE OF WHAT IT IS CALLED.

Your therapist is right that it's rape if it occurs without your consent. However in this case it also seems to be about communication. Your boyfriend needs to understand that you set the rules for your own body, and there are no exceptions. It sounds like he thinks he can initiate and then ask if you are ok with it, but that is the wrong order. The right order is that he asks beforehand and then respects your wishes.

If you really care about each other and the relationship works otherwise, then maybe you could explain this to him and assure yourself that he agrees, and also understands there can be no exceptions. If you believe that he is sincere in this, then maybe you can work it out together. If he doesn't agree then there is probably no hope.

Also it's important that you be clear and consistent about what you want. In the absence of that, some guys may feel enabled to make the decision for you. That's still wrong but they won't see it as as readily as when you are assertive & vocal about your own well-being.

Thank you for your response avatar123. I think I will base my decision based on his response when we speak again. If he invalidates my feelings and puts the spotlight on himself again, this is where I think I should forget about giving him another chance. I'm uncertain about how healthy this relationship may be for me. If I am to continue with it, I would make clear to him that I will no longer be meeting him halfway and start trying to put myself first and separate him from the my social circle, since he seems to be trying to make himself a part of every aspect of my life. He has serious issue with jealousy, and I am quite open and have primarily male friends, which is something that he has a difficult time with. He even asked me if I was seeing another man when I had told him that I had to rethink our relationship after what he did to me.

And to helloagain, with all due respect, I was trying to understand the situation and why it hurts me and is provoking my anxiety. I do put relevance to what it is called to help me validate the way I feel somehow, since my feelings are being invalidated by him and altogether avoided and becoming about his feelings. I know it is just a word to you, but it carries a lot of meaning to me and I'm trying to find a way that I can cope with the situation altogether.

My apologies. Granted that he was the violator. But looking from his view point your body language didn't tally with your words. You allowed him to continue when you could have stopped him. You didn't tell him you were not okay when he asked you repeatedly whether you were okay. So he might have misjudged you. I would say it was 50% rape, not 100%. You might give him one more chance with a clear warning. It will give you one more opportunity to clear up any doubts you may have before taking a decision.

I think that's a good plan of action. If he has been disrespectful in other areas of your relationship, then it may be part of a pattern, and that would be a concern. In any case, you would need to feel that he totally gets it, in order to continue. Also asserting yourself with him will be good for you in general. I hope it goes well for you.

When I mentioned assertiveness before, I was referencing the part about not wanting to be a nagging girlfriend, having already said no. I want to be clear that you shouldn't need to physically push him off or argue with him, by that time he is already way out of line. Yes means yes, in addition to no meaning no.

It doesn't matter if he misjudged your body language... you told him no multiple times, he did it anyway, and continued doing it after you told him that you made it clear that you didn't want it. It wasn't consensual, that's rape. There's no such thing as a 50% rape, idk what the hell the previous poster is talking about.

It doesn't matter if your "body said yes" (wtf does that even mean), if you were saying no, it means you didn't consent to it. It also doesn't matter that you didn't try to escape, or that he didn't try to prevent you from escaping. Rape has several different looks, the fact that you froze up and felt like you weren't really there is telling. I felt the same way when I was raped, and so have many of my friends who have been raped. I'm not trying to be pushy or forceful, but you're asking whether you were raped, and if you told him no, and he did it anyway, there's nothing else you could call it.

I just want to place a friendly reminder that in our rules we state:

Additionally, all members are expected to treat other members with courtesy and respect. Profanity, insults, personal attacks on other members, or harassment of other members in any form is unacceptable and may result in being banned from the forum. The Golden Rule - Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You - is a good general basis for forum decorum.

I am referring to the previous post and to any other future posts.