Confused! I feel I was raped. *TW*

Hi, I believe I was raped a week ago. I was very drunk at about midnight and he asked to come over as it was a long way home travelling moving towns. I said yes. But I was very tired and wanted just to sleep. Drunk texted him that I wanted sex but too tired. He came over. I was alone. I said did he want a shower and he did. I lay in bed dosing. He got in in just his underwear. We cuddled and watched tv. I was turned away trying to sleep. He said do you want to have sex? I said no. I just wanted to sleep. He said he wanted to. He was touching my clit and it felt nice. I said did he want some help. We did some kissing which I did not like. It was like his whole mouth covered my lips. It was disgusting. I didn't kiss back. He rolled me over. Saying he wanted to taste me (oral sex) I said no. He lay on top of me and kept kissing me. He kept trying to penetrate me with his fingers. I kept moving his hands away and said no. He suckedmy breast. I was on top of him. He had taken off my underwear and his undies and thrust his penis up to the entrance of my vagina. He used his hand to insert his penis into me but I stopped his hand. He kept thrusting against me. Continuing his thrusts he entered me and I lifted my self up so he was out of me. I said do you have a condom? He said it was somewhere deep in his bag. He pushed inside me again I said it hurt but he kept going and said just relax. I said it hurt and pulled away so I was on my back. He said can I cum in your mouth? I said no. You can cum on my stomach. And he did. After he cleaned up he said he wanted me to cum and went down on me. I held his head. But thoughts distracted. I told him to stop. It wasn't going to happen. After I couldn't sleep for hours. I waited hours til he woke and said you have to leave. He hugged me but I pulled away disgusted. After he left I stared out the window at him waiting for him to leave. While I was waiting for him to wake I sat crying for hours. I didn't want to have sex, I was so drunk I vomited the next morning. Now I can't sleep I keep reliving it. I'm suicidal.

I'm sorry to hear all that.

You should report him to the authorities and speak to a therapist. You should also call the suicide hotline in the meantime.

Yes, you were absolutely raped. You said 'no' numerous times and just because you may have consented to some things (or just been worn down into some things) does not mean you consented to all the sh*t he did to you. Please phone a rape crisis hotline.

I feel like it's my fault. I tried talking to the police but they didn't believe me. I don't know how I can get over this. I CANT get over this!

You feel like this now. But it is the immediate aftermath. I feel angry that the police did not believe you as I know it must have taken a lot of courage to talk to them. People here believe you and will listen. It isn't your fault. It's understandable to get worn down in the face of coercion and confused by one's bodily reaction. But at the end of the day you put up boundaries and said 'no' maybe times to specific things which he did. End of story is that it is not your fault. Honestly; absolutely.

Thank you. I have doubts. The police looked at my phone and I don't remember but I had texted him that I felt like having sex but was so tired. But all that night I wanted was to sleep regardless of what I'd planned to do with him on any other day. My body responded and I said no, but I didn't make him stop physically. Until he was ######6 me and hurting. I let him cum on me because i wanted it over. So he wouldn't cum inside me. At least he didn't force it in my mouth. He didn't use force. I feel guilty and confused. I agreed to some things and not others. I don't know if that matters. Some say if I was that drunk I couldn't have consented. I know I was violated. I know it was wrong he didn't use s condom and kept going. Now I have a UTI OR STI

It wasn't your responsibility to stop him physically. It was his responsibility to listen to your 'no' - even if that no was for some things and not others. He committed a crime and did a terrible thing, not you. Definitely.