Was it rape? *TW*

I'm just looking to get peoples opinions on this situation.

My ex boyfriend and I dated for over a year and during that time he became very controlling. He used to constantly put me down, belittle me and make me feel useless. He'd stop me from seeing friends and family, and he developed an obsession with checking my social media as he believed me to be cheating on him, which I wasn't.

With regards to sex he was always the one to initiate it, never me, and even if I didn't feel In the mood, it was expected that I would put out for him. He liked to use derogatory language which made me feel uncomfortable, but I felt like my views didn't matter and so I'd always cave into the pressure he laid onto me.
Most of the time, I would start of by saying no, and then giving into him, because I couldn't predict his behaviour if I didn't. He then started to be more rough and put his hand over my mouth or my throat as if he was 'pretending' to choke me. I hated it! but I couldn't physically tell him, so I just lay there in silence and take it, he would carry on regardless of my silence.
Even when it physically hurt me and i'd tell him I was in pain he'd make comments about 'I wont be long' or 'I'm almost done'- which was never true, and so again id just lay motionless and accept it. It was easier that way. The way my thoughts and views no longer mattered to him scared me.
But I never felt able enough to do anything about it, I didn't verbalise myself enough or do enough to stop him.

Was it rape though? I never fully consented, but equally I could have probably done more to stop him, but I was scared.

For me, who is not an expert at this, I don't know an answer to your question. It would seem that it would be considered rape, yet you ask yourself the question of "Could you turn him in to the authorities?" That is why I don't know the answer. I'm sorry. I just wanted to share how I think and feel. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You don't deserve this kind of treatment from anyone, least of all someone who loves you. Is there any way you can seek help as a form of counseling? Let us know how things progress.

Thank you for your reply!

I would never act upon what happened in any official way, but just for my own piece of mind I feel like I need to work out if it was rape, or If I am just blowing things out of proportion.

Thanks for your reply!

Tbh, I would never act, in any official way, on the things that happened with my ex boyfriend and I. I just want to know for my own piece of mind. I don't know whether it was my fault, if it was indeed rape. But I do know that these feelings and emotions are stopping me from moving forward in my life.
It sounds daft but I think I need to get things straight in my own head and accept it on some level first.

Charlie, I think you're right to try to get a handle on what happened. Often people turn to the legal definitions, or what other people think, in order to put a label on it. But since there are so many variations & gradations in what can happen in a relationship, I think it may better to think about how it affected you personally.

If you feel that the impact was negative, then it was abusive in some way, and you should treat it as an abusive event going forward. Certainly there was enough evidence in your description to classify it in that way.

As Quietgirl said, then you can look for resources that will help you deal with it and ultimately get on with your life. That's not daft at all.