Was it sexual assault?

I have a friend who I have known for over ten years. Until recently I would have described him as one of my best friends - he's helped me out with work, provided a reference for me, got my partner a job, made me godmother to his child.

Years ago we had a drunken dalliance which I was a bit uncomfortable about but it was, on balance, consensual.

We had agreed it wouldn't happen again. Now fast forward to present day and I got in touch with him and a select few of my other best friends because partner and I have been having some pretty epic problems. He offered to meet me and hang out for a chat.

We met up and he proceeded to buy me several glasses of wine, while staying completely sober himself. Then he started touching me, and tried to get me to give him a blowjob. I felt pressured and uncomfortable, but did touch him briefly, before getting him to drive me home.

The key factors for me are that he was sober and I wasn't, and that he knew I was feeling extremely vulnerable because partner and I had been having problems. Another male friend said it sounded like a pre-meditated plan to get sexual contact, and said he was angry on my behalf.

In retrospect though, I'm beating myself up because we were discussing sex and relationships, he was quite obviously trying to get me alone and I did let him buy me drinks.

So I really don't know how to feel about the whole thing.

However I did all that because we've been friends for 10+ years and I thought I could trust him.

Maybe this was just some awkward misunderstanding from his side? Especially since you had that "thing" together in the past. Does not nessesarily mean he is no longer trustable. Maybe he is also "beating himself up"?And good he stayed sober when he was your ride home.

(obviously this is all subjective / IMO) I think it is a difficult call, although it certainly could have been predatory - I agree that the fact he bought you drinks without drinking himself is a potential red flag. I am unsure as to whether you would be able to press legal charges, though others could advise on that if it is in your interests. That said, whether it was sexual assault or more broadly sexual contact that made you uncomfortable, he did not respect the boundaries of your friendship. That alone seems reason enough to cut him out of your life if you wish to, either providing him with that reason or not. What happened absolutely wasn't your fault and it sounds like you are in a place where you have many other important people in your life who would never take advantage of you.

It definitely sounds like getting you drunk to get you susceptible to sexual contact was in his plan which in itself is appalling behaviour on his part.

I suppose the important bit would be what you actually did when you felt uncomfortable. You said this:

Hopingformorenow wrote:We met up and he proceeded to buy me several glasses of wine, while staying completely sober himself. Then he started touching me, and tried to get me to give him a blowjob. I felt pressured and uncomfortable, but did touch him briefly, before getting him to drive me home.

Did you say no? Or push his hands away? Or do anything that might have indicated to him you didn't want this sexual contact? It sounds like you might have because you said he "tried to get you to give him a blowjob". Also with the touching, did you feel like you had to do this? Like to be able to get home for instance? If you felt there was a reason you had to agree with this then that would have been coercion rather than you giving consent. You can't give consent if it's coerced.

I'm sorry, it sounds like this was a really uncomfortable experience for you. It doesn't matter though if you'd had sex with him on previous occasions or if you let him buy you drinks, you shouldn't be taken advantage of in any situation. I hope you have some support for the difficult feelings you are having.