Was I abused as a child?

I apologise in advance for this being a long post but i could benefit from some guidance on this issue.
I’m wondering if it’s possible that I could have been sexually abused when i was very young, or that something happened to me in my childhood that I don’t remember.

I have had low self esteem from a very young age - i remember being as young as 7 and thinking that I was fat and unattractive, not good enough etc. and I have struggled with this my whole life (I’m 22 now).

I was a very shy child and used to cling to my mother a lot and was scared of leaving her. I also had frequent bladder/urinary tract infections in my childhood and I remember being very young (possibly 4 or 5) and having to go to hospital to have tests done for this.

I have a lot of trust issues and I find it difficult to be vulnerable or loving and affectionate with people. I don’t like being touched or people being too close to me (even my family), and I don’t like being hugged tightly or as if I’m being constricted. I also have intimacy issues and a lot of feelings of guilt/shame towards sex. I have only had sex once, with my ex-boyfriend who I completely trusted, and I consented to the sex but the only way I felt like I could do it was if I got drunk beforehand. The thought of being intimate with someone scares me and I often have feelings that sex is dirty. I used to suffer from vaginismus and this affected my first time having sex, as well as my first pap smear which was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. I also HATE anyone (boyfriends) touching me down there with their fingers.

I had an eating disorder in my teenage years and still struggle today with binge eating, and my parents divorced when I was younger and this caused me a lot of pain too. I’m currently suffering from depression and made a suicide attempt a few weeks ago.

Although I’ve been through a lot, I did have a good childhood and have a very close and supportive family. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I want to be able to move on with my life without depression, eating disorders etc. but it seems no matter what I do, something is still stopping me from moving forward. My parents have even asked me if I was abused in some way as a child as they can’t understand my struggles either.

Which is why I’m wondering if there’s something from my past that I don’t remember. I’m not just talking about abuse as I don’t want to put any ideas into my own head, but could there be something I’m repressing? If not abuse. then maybe some kind of event, emotion, situation that could have happened that has triggered these self-worth issues in my life?

Does anyone know any techniques to uncover childhood memories or any tips on doing inner child work that could help me figure this out? I’ve tried so many things but I still feel like there’s something that’s stopping me from moving on.

The better family can give covert contrasting signals to the children therefore they dont grow up healty.

Gosh! It's eerie how similar we are. I could relate to EVERY single thing you said and I often wonder if I was sexually abused. I have also wondered if any of my family members, particularly my mother, was sexually abused. It sounds strange but I read somewhere that daughters of sexually abused women can actually "live in the shadow" of that abuse and can develop horrible self esteem issues, eating disorders and issues with intimacy. I'm interested in relationships and sex but terrified of that stuff at the same time. I just have a feeling something happened when I was very little. My mother calls the first few years of my life (living with my father) "the dark ages". She won't elaborate or disclose everything that went on but I know it was not good. Seeing that so much time has passed since you originally posted I can't help but wonder if you ever found some kind of inner peace or discovered what happened?