why was it always someone I trusted? *Triggers*

I was molested when I was 8 by my brothers friend he was 12. I remember crying while he touched me and he fingered me. I told my parents crying and my mother laughed she didn't believe me. I remember her saying little boys don't do that and accused me of lying. I got spanked for lying and grounded for a week. My father told me to get over it and stop lying.

I was raped at 15 by my first boyfriend. We dated a month before he asked for my virginity and I said no. One day he came over when my parents were gone and raped me in my own bed. I never told anyone I didn't think my parents would believe me. After that I became kind of a slut but calmed down when I was 18 and went to college. I didn't want to be a slut anymore so I stopped being easy and stayed away from guys all together.

At 19 I met a guy who seemed really nice and smart. I started dating him but because of my past I didn't want to rush into the physical part and he seemed to understand. I went to a party with him and woke up from being drugged with him and his friend having sex with me while I was heavily drugged. I don't remember how it ended or how I got home. I got really into drugs after that and quit school, my parents were diapointed in me but never knew why.

I stayed single and kinda easy most of my twenties but by then I had learned how to use my sexuality when I wanted sex and how to be withdrawn when i didn't. Men tried to be in relationships with me but I never let them.

When I was 24 I decided to try another boyfriend cuz I was lonely and my girlfriends insisted not all guys are the same. So I did. He was my age and really cute. It wasn't serious and we had fun. Then one big party night with a bunch of friends we got drunk and went back to my place and we started having sex. I was into it but I was drunk so I was asking him to slow down. He held me down and told me to shut up and raped me while I screamed for him to stop. I don't know why but I stayed with him for a few more weeks till I found him cheating on me.

But here's the kicker.

When I was 25 I met my fiance. We dated and took it really slow. He knew all about my past and helped me quit drugs and he was really special. Well a year in we decide together we wanna get high again so we start partying again and for a while things are great. Then when I was 26 after almost a year together after a night with a lot of alcohol and cocaine he got really rough and it stopped being fun and he turned into his old gangster drug dealer ways and forced me. The next day he cried and apologized and I stayed. We were good for a while and then a year later it happened again only this time he beat the $#%^ out of me. Dislocated my jaw, broke my ribs, busted my knee, and gave me a confusion and even though the house was full of people no matter how much I screamed no one helped me. And the next day everyone saw me bruised up but no one said or did anything. I'm engaged to him now. We have a child and he's cheated in me and beats me when he thinks I'm cheating. I gained a lot of weight, I smoke a lot of weed and drink and have rage issues and very violent thoughts.

I don't know how to leave. I don't believe it gets better and I don't believe anyone can help me. No one has ever helped me and the one time I needed my parents they laughed at me and punished me for lying.

This is the first time I have told my story. Not all of my sex life was rape, but the several times it did happen it was always someone I knew and trusted. Someone who took the time to know me and make me believed they cared for me. I don't know why it was never a stranger or even adistant aquitance. I don't understand why my life was like this. I don't understand why my mother laughed at me when I was crying for help.

I am so sorry for all of those things that happened to you. I am sorry for the rapes and for being hurt, but most of all I am sorry about the way your mom reacted. I don't know why she did that to you, but you didn't deserve it. It is terrible. How is your life, now? How are you getting along?

I cannot understand how a parent can do that to a child... How can they not believe? They could doubt it and investigate to know if you were lying or not but.... laughing at you and punishing you? That's just pure neglect.
You have been not only a victim of sexual assaults, but also of extreme abuse. You really should talk to a psychologist, as you need to improve for your own sake and the sake of your child. Your husband is dowright abusive and is keeping you from living a fulfilling life. Just imagine what you could be without him pressing so much fear on you... You could quit your smoking addiction, you could begin to lose weight and feel valued again... There are so many institutions that can help you do that. You can go with your child and run away from him to a safe place. You can get counselling and therapy so you can solve your inner problems and be a happier person and a happier mother. If you just google domestic violence victim, there will be tons of places where you can get the help you deserve to have right now.

I really do hope you are able to break free from all the abuse and trauma. Please reply, I'd like to know how you are right now.