Sleep groping/fondling *TW*

I have never posted here before and this is pretty embarrassing for me but a recent situation has me second guessing things so I wanted to reach out and see if someone can help me make sense of what has happened.

I will be as thorough as possible in my description of what is going on so this will be a long read.

I have only had long term relationships and during periods of being single I was never keen on sleeping with random people so I always keep to myself while single. Recently I have been talking to a girl I find myself quite interested in but neither of is are looking for a relationship. I can tell she is a good girl and similar to me in regards to not sleeping around and things were going just fine. We hung out a few times and ended up becoming intimate one night, and have spent the night together a few times since then but nothing more has happened. I'm not really looking for a "sexual thing" so that's fine by me that nothing more has happened, but recently she started acting weird and I picked up on it so I started trying to gauge what was going on. I'll save you the story there, but I was certainly on to something and what I was told has me experiencing a wide range of constantly varying emotions, needless to say none of them are good.

She explained to me that the other night when her and I had been drinking that after we went to sleep she woke up to me "fondling her" in her sleep. I have absolutely no recollection of this happening at all, but certainly am not surprised to hear her telling me this. I will give some back story on my past and then come back to this.

I have only had two really serious girlfriends that I shared a bed with in the past. One of them was more reserved when it came to sex and the other very open. With the girl who was very open we would often times end up having sex in the middle of the night. Most times I was completely unaware of what was happening until we were already in the act, while she claims I was the one who instigated it. She had no problem with my midnight roaming hands and actually loved it.

Fast fwd to the next girl, she was a sexual girl, but loooooooooved her sleep. There was no middle of the night sex. Ever. Just wasn't her thing. There were many nights I would wake up to her slapping my hands off of her, either between her legs or groping her chest (I'm assuming with the girl before this was what "initiated" things). I would never have a clear recollection of it and it always seemed like a dream more than anything else and sometimes I would ask her the next day if it happened and she would laugh and confirm it wasn't a dream. My behaviors included groping, kissing the back of her neck and fondling her breasts, as well as dirty talk, but any time it would happen I would be pushed away and would "instantly return to sleep" according to her. On multiple occasions she says she tried to wake me up afterwards because she thought I was faking it but quickly realized I really was asleep and wasn't bothered by it aside from the sleep interruption.

I never really thought much of this as she was my girlfriend and she knew that if it became a bother just to push me away. I just chalked it up to me being a highly sexual person and my sleeping self was no different than my awake self. Were all human right? Who doesn't like sex?

I decided to stop masturbating in December (I felt porn had an unhealthy impact on the way I viewed women and relationships) so I have certainly been highly arousable but have only had one sexual encounter (with the current girl I was talking to) since the last time I masturbated, so being around this new girl (who is a knockout btw) definitely excites me (in more than just an intellectual way). I noticed that in the past with my last girlfriend my sleep hands would be much more adventurous when we weren't having sex often, so I am not surprised that this would happen given the "drought" I have created for myself by no fap.

So back to the current situation. I am pretty sure that there isn't going to be much of a chance at salvaging things with this current girl I have been talking to, but I feel she is looking at me like a f@&king rapist now, and I really respected this girl and valued her friendship. At the very least I would like to part ways without her thinking I am some sicko that likes to fondle girls while they are wasted in their sleep. I would never do something like that consciously. I would never do something like that. Ever. How do I explain this to her? Am I some demented pervert that needs to be locked away in a cage? Furthermore I feel sick to my stomach because I can only imagine what she is thinking about me, and for some reason I really do care to clear the air with her and explain this to her so she understands I wasn't tying to violate her. Ugh I feel like I'm going to puke.

I have actually read here on the forum about this sort of phenomenon. I don't have much advice to give you I'm afraid -- just that it happens more often and it's not just you.

Perhaps try to speak to some sort of professional about it? It's causing you problems, you're not happy about it (and neither is the girl), hence it deserves appropriate care.

Sleep fondling is quite common and not something you need to judge yourself about. The subconscious mind has a mind of its own. So even when your conscious mind (You) is sound asleep, your subconscious is still working.

So fondling someone you are attracted to while sound asleep is giving your conscious mind the opportunity to realize what you really want even though your conscious (ego) mind states your don't want to do anything sexual with this girl.

Explore this idea more and see what you come up with.

Disclaimer: I might mention that I'm not in any way qualified to comment or lend love advice. This is just my personal thoughts on the matter.

On a more direct line of thinking, try talking to your friend about your issue. Explain to her your thoughts on it and what you feel about it. If you feel you've already lost her trust, you can't really get to a worse place. It might help her to understand that you were not necessarily to blame (on a conscious level anyway) for your attentions. You might also mention your previous encounters. The fact that one enjoyed it while one repulsed it means that she can take initiative to prevent matters if she feels inclined. It is a far cry from rape, as that's usually about control and domination, not subconscious wanderings.

Information and communication may just salvage your relationship with your friend. Be honest with her.

Yes definitely talk to her. If you can, really listen to her and let her say everything she needs, without taking it personally. She has the right to feel how she feels about the situation, up to and including feeling like she was raped. This doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means we don't get to say what the other person's experience was, even if we're unintentional about it.

This includes yourself by the way - if you feel sick and angry then that's how you feel, so stay with that and explore those feelings, figure out why you feel that way, and any other things you feel too, like other commentors have suggested I think exploring your sexual desires and being REALLY honest about that is key here too. Make sure you figure out which parts are appropriate to share with her and which parts might hurt her when she's already feeling really vulnerable.

I'd like to challenge you on something too - I'm actually going through a similar situation myself. My boyfriend masturbates in his sleep, once even to the point of ejaculating without waking up, and for multiple reasons of things in my past, that is REALLY triggering for me. I'm working through a lot of stuff around that, but when it comes to him, I feel REALLY betrayed for him not telling me before we moved in together. (yes, we'd slept together multiple times before, but always to have sex, which basically made it not happen or have him involve me the moment I was even stirring, and he was awake which made it ok, not to mention I was usually having to leave sometime in the night before it would start happening anyway) We unfortunately live in a society where most people have some kind of trauma around sexuality, especially women. To not mention this kind of thing and ask "are you going to be ok with that if it happens?" is HIGHLY irresponsible, especially if you're aware you might actually touch HER body without being able to ask for consent. Because subconscious or not, intention or not, you touched her without her consent. That's a big deal, and it's going to take some work to unravel.

I'd definitely suggest sleeping separately for now until you get this figured out. It sounds like you and this girl are pretty sweet on each other, and you sound like an emotionally mature guy, so you should be able to at least work through this and remain friends if that's what needs to happen. Do be aware that it may take her months of sorting through this in her own head to fully process it, and she may need to come back to this conversation multiple times. Please always take her very seriously (remember, this isn't about you, it doesn't make you a bad person, but she does need to be acknowledged for her own experiences) always respect her, and give her space for the option to change her mind - women live in this "rape culture" where the victim is either blamed or denied, so she may not even be able to articulate that something's wrong yet. It may take you coming up to her and saying "I feel sick about this... how are you feeling?" for her to even be able to admit that something wrong happened.

I'm sure you're up for the challenge, and if this can be a learning experience for the both of you, I believe it will actually help our society a lot in the long run.

One more thing, it might be helpful to ask her what her boundaries on the matter are. Like "what are you ok with and not ok with sleeping next to someone in the future?" she may also have repressed memories of when she felt similar things before that she might now be having to face, complicating things. I know I do from my experiences!

Best of luck.