Pseudocyesis???

Hi. I know diagnosis is not allowed (I don't know if this is the right forum. This could also go under depression but since it's pregnancy related I thought this would be best) but I really don't know what to do. I don't like sharing this with anyone and try to avoid it when I can but I guess it's come to this point. This all started when I had funky bleeding 3 months ago. I was a few days late on the first suspicious one. All three of them have been light, have spotting before (and I think after too) and seem shorter. The last one was extremely watery.

I hate my GP. I didn't exactly say I wanted an ultrasound. I just said well people say the only way to be sure is an ultrasound so he was like well we can give you one. Well I had to ask him later "what about the ultrasound". He gives me a paper for referral. Then I come to find it's not covered on my insurance. Yesterday I tried to go to this clinic for an ultrasound because they acted like they'd be able to at least refer me. I went there and no one answered. I did not need an appointment and I came during open hours. They said they would call me back. They never did.
I tried a chat with RAINN once too and they were like well we can't discuss pregnancy. I tried the suicide hotline after I was having a panic attack in the shower. They calmed me down but didn't ease my mind. Chatting with Planned Parenthood wasn't helpful either. Both the hotline and Planned Parenthood are just like you're probably not pregnant.
Over time I have developed more symptoms. I feel tired earlier (like at 9 yesterday). I have terrible mood swings..just lost a lot of my identity. My sleeping problems have come back. I guess I haven't gained much weight if at all but belly feels/looks round. Many mornings I wake up nauseous and when I'm not nauseous, I have a stomach ache. This morning I felt cramps like I was on my period. Those cramps come on every now and then.
I have just read so much about people who have experienced false negatives with a blood test. I know I shouldn't Google in my state of mind but it turned into a cycle. When I was worried about my bleeding, I googled. I googled more when I got pissed about my doctor. I am really trying my best not to Google but it's just so hard because I am trying to convince myself that this is all in my head but I can't get past that irregular bleeding at all and I keep thinking what if I'm that unlucky person? I've always felt I was a jinx.

I'm tired of trying to turn to these helplines. I am tired of telling people how I'm worried when I don't like to discuss even that so I can just get the shaft. I just need an ultrasound because my health is literally is in danger (you know how they say stress can literally kill you..yeah that doesn't help me either). I don't think it would make a difference if I told them that. Why bother telling them anything when they don't f'in care?

The only thing I can think about is telling my (sorta) bf and maybe I can find a place that he can walk with me to but I'm really scared to tell him. I told him what happened to me but I didn't tell him any details. I just told him that I was raped before. I guess for one thing I could diminish all chances of ever having sex with him. He'll see how worried pregnancy could make me and he'll forget about it.
Plus where the heck would I go anyway? That clinic seemed to be the only place that will even refer you for an ultrasound free.

I know this was stupid. I'm beyond help clearly so I don't know why I bother especially since I have work to do.

Hi, I just want to make sure that I understand your situation first. It sounds like your pregnancy blood test came back negative, but you're not confident that it was accurate and you are worried that you may be pregnant. Is that right? (I'm sorry to ask you to repeat yourself.)

Whatever the case, it appears you are under a lot of stress. Did you tell your GP about the panic attack you had? Maybe he can help you to deal with the anxiety you are feeling?

If the tests are coming back negative, then it’s not surprising that the suicide hotline and Planned Parenthood are telling you that you probably are not pregnant. It would be unusual for them to suggest that you are pregnant if your blood test was negative.

I understand though that you are still very stressed and anxious about this. Do you know why you may be so afraid of being pregnant? (Or of not being pregnant? Sorry, I’m not sure which result you were hoping for.)

You mentioned being raped in the past. Have you received any help or counselling since then? Maybe you could ask RAINN for some help? (They may not be able to tell you whether you are pregnant, but maybe they can support you in other ways.)

It might be a good idea to tell you boyfriend, if you feel you can. It sounds as if you are in a lot of emotional pain. I hope you can find someone to help support you through this.

So I went to Planned Parenthood finally. They gave me a pelvic exam to see if anything's out of the ordinary but that was it. Basically I guess she didn't see anything out of the ordinary. They just asked if I wanted some birth control pills to regulate my cycle but I don't think that will fix whatever could be wrong. They also gave me a test to check for STD's but I have to wait a week or two. I didn't tell my GP that I had panic attacks. I don't like telling him anything really. I just get a bad vibe from him. I guess it all started when he made a joke about how people my age are about sex. Obviously he didn't know my situation and I wasn't offended but it felt really unprofessional of him to even say that.
Apparently I can switch doctors but I'd have to tell the insurance company first and I don't think there is anyone else available. I can go to my mom's doctor but apparently he's not any better.

I was worried because of my monthly bleeding. I've never had bleeding like I did in those three months. It's looking more like I'm not pregnant but I'd still like to know why this bleeding happened and if the other symptoms are all in my head but perhaps the other symptoms will fade away when I found out why I was bleeding like that. I just really need to know what caused shorter lighter and watery bleeding and no one wants to help me. I may not be stressed out about it now but if I bleed like that again this month I may get worried again.

If you don't feel comfortable talking to your GP, I think it could be worthwhile looking for another doctor, even if that means dealing with your insurance company.

I've seen a doctor who made crude jokes, and I think he used the jokes to diffuse tension. Sometimes patients are very nervous or scared about seeing a doctor and humour can help them to relax or to relate to the doctor. Obviously it didn't have that effect on you, but as you said, he didn't know your situation so he may not have meant anything disrespectful by that remark.

If you decide to stick with that GP, maybe you could send him a note explaining more about your situation. Let him know that you have been raped, about the panic attacks, and about how his remark made you feel uncomfortable. Then when you next go to see him, he will be more aware of your situation and I hope that will mean he can give you more help.

I'm sorry, I don't know about the bleeding symptoms. Maybe someone else will have some ideas, but I think asking a doctor would be the best way to get answers on this.