stings

hi, hope your doing okay rn where u at, hope my english is good

i try to tell myself that no one had the fault, we were just 8yrs old, my twin sister asked me to play these game, wich you probably know what im talking abt, i didnt liked it, but i didnt say no to her bcs i didnt want to upset her, it sadly kept going on almost every night for weeks, i barely remember anything.

the thing is that once my sister got bored of it we grew appart, we both forgot it, or pretended to not know and keep living our lifes, somehow my sister now that we are almost 20, shes depends on me, she kind of sees me as a mother, for a few years she called me mum. Wich upseted our actual mum ofc, yet she didnt really putted in the work to develop a motherly relationship with her daughter, always too busy so i had to be the mother.

its funny how nowadays i have to take care of my sister, remember her to eat her meals, make her meals because she doesnt do them, shes also depressed so i have to help her go out, convince her to make plans and stuff. I have to take care of my abuser? I do it becasue i have to, im her sister, but something inside me hates doing it, i know its not her fault, i want to believe its that way.

can i feel this way? i just want to leave this place and not having someone to depend on me, i wasnt born to be a mother, i tried to take my own life twice, didnt work as you can see, this mother-thing i have with my sister is heavy, i hope im not the bad guy for having these feelings towards her, maybe im being the selfish one.