Depression

Hi, I'm 18yo male from Wrocław, PL. Currently struggling with OCD and depression.

I feel a huge loss because my online girlfriend left me. I met her on internet forum in April 2020. I wanted to meet her IRL on many occassions, but random things ALWAYS came up that prevented us from doing so. We fell in love very quickly. Apart from her, I also met other people who became my friends. They were all intelligent, rebellious and nice outsiders and social outcasts. The forum was dedicated to certain dark edgy stuff and we all loved those things. We all understood each other perfectly. Our relationship lasted nearly 2 years. She left me in January 2022 for unknown reasons.

I'd have to write a hell of a lot to list every single event that happened in our relationship, so I'll write it in abbreviated timeline form:

- 25 April 2020: I met her on the internet forum.
- May 2020: A period of getting know each other better, first flirts, sending each other cute pics and funny memes, texting with friends. After a period of depression caused by earlier social rejection (I will write about it at the end of this post), I finally felt alive.
- June 2020: Texting with each other in the best way, discussions about our interests, general continuation of the relationship.
- July 2020: First erotic fantasies about each other; continuination of discussions about our favorite things; unexpected break in writing for over a week due to the nuisance of spammers who entered the forum and started spamming it for no reasons (probably just for fun). Btw, I will also like to add that I hate my father. The ######6 son of a bitch had the opportunity in July 2020 to drop me off at her place and make to her a nice surprise; that's when I stopped online writing with her because of spammers $#%^. So what? ######6 nothing. My father, in his immature style, told my mom and me something like: ''Listen to me, I have a job, I can't do it, I won't survive!'' and ran away slamming the door. Since then, he has not visited me at all (my parents are divorced and I live with my mom). ###$ this clown, he's just an idiot and a loser. And I had the ######6 opportunity to visit my gf then... who knows how then all this would happen. But of course this idiot made it all go wrong!
- August 2020: Back to writing by me contacting her on Facebook, writing there first, then in text messages; entering into an official romantic relationship; first conversation phone call and hearing her pretty voice; phone calls; sending sweet photos; cheering each other up; discussions about our well-being.
- September 2020: First sexting/cybersex; helping her overcome anorexia; she started high school; I start homeschooling; continuing phone calls, very frequent.
- October 2020: Continuing very frequent phone calls; another meeting plans; continuing to help each other with our well-being issues; I got sick at some point; she has completely stopped self-mutilating (she had the problem with self-harming behavior); continuing of hot flirting and fantasizing about each other.
- November 2020: Continuing very frequent phone calls, continuing discussions and hot flirting; her parents started treated her worse and worse; my extended family visited my mom for a long time and it drove me to a breakdown; during this period I managed to bring her out of anorexia.
- December 2020: Things with her parents got worse for her and she planned to run away from home to me, but the plan didn't work out; she reported her parents to the police; we continue to flirt and fantasize about each other; we send each other gifts on the occassion of Christmas (and her birthday which falls on December 23); during this period the frequency of phone calls decreases a bit, but slightly.
- January 2021: New year, we hope to meet, continuing discussions and send each other photos, we talk to each other moderately often on the phone and we continue to have more and more intense erotic fantasies about each other.
- February 2021: We're starting to have some difficults in phone talking, but we continuing texting in the best way, we wanted to meet intensively, but the plan failed again; she was in quarantine at her home due to her parents being infected with coronavirus.
- March 2021: Here we start to talk more often, we continue texting with each other, we fantasized about each other; I start helping her track down bullies from her former school; this month I started a month-long conflict with part of my family, that is bringing me to the brink of a nervous breakdown.
- April 2021: We don't talk once this month due to my terrible situation at home, but we still text each other, sometimes I break down and ask her for emotional support.
- May 2021: Unfortunately, we only manage to talk once, but the situation at my home is stabilizing, we continue the desire to meet each other in real life, but we can't find any way to do it.
- June 2021: I don't ######6 know what exactly happened on this month. I have no idea how the ###$ she suddenly became a consumerist. She dropped her old ideas, walked away from them, and started walking away from me over the next few months, texting and talking on the phone less and less.
- January 2022: ######6 breaking off the relationship with me by her.

Now my question is: how could I get her back? She was the best person I've ever meet in my life. If I had to describe her: Intelligent gothic girl, calm, nice, funny, hating debauchery and sexual promiscuity, outcast, with anti-establishment views. And she was so ######6 beautiful. I really don't know what happened to her that she changed her mind and views.

I've been left by many people in the past, since early childhood. I've lost friends due to their moving house or random unfortunate situations. Before I met this girl online, I experienced trauma earlier, in primary school when I was a younger teenager (there were no middle schools in Poland, children leave primary school usually at the age of 13 or 14) and when the only school female friend who understood me among my peers just left me without any explanation. Now it happened again and I'm traumatized again.

Please, don't give me #######5 advices like: ''Man, just forget about her'', ''let it go'' etc., because I won't let it go. I have no intention of getting involved with anyone else in the relationship and looking for someone else for the next few years. I love her.