There is no way to outrun it-bitter pill to swallow

Apologies as not sure which forum to post
Looking back over half a century and still wondering how possibly I could outrun it or why I deserved it.

1)Autism bullying from a young age

2)Parent with life changing injuries, taken weekly to visit hospital unit miles away and horrible phone calls from them weekly

3)Parents divorced and parent moved hundreds miles away.

4) parent I lived with narcissist, gaslighting liar-gave up on me and at 12, I helped on a farm and paid £1 hour- anything I wanted came from this.

5) ignored by parents until Christmas where it was a big song and dance over it-like it makes up for rest of year.

6) best friends terminally ill mother we were expected every sunday to go through dinner like it was normal at 18 years old left dealing with friend when his mum died as his dad ignored it and him

worked recovering fatal accidents, mainly as it made me feel that I wasn't the most unlucky person alive.
Only one that bothered me was drink and drugs infant death.

8 ) lost disabled parent and felt relieved it was over- anger that their illustrations of perfect family we were not.

9) Grand parent died and felt cheated there wasn't more time to be a success and spend time with them

10)neighbour killed himself and we had to tidy up the scene-still wake up occasionally 3am reliving it when I know it wasn't our fault.
11) Covid hysteria, worked through it and caught it multiple times-see it as a disease of co morbid and very elderly-lost years and savings.

My health is bad with fibromyalgia, muscular skeletal issues that need operating on.
feel I am being gaslighted by covert narcissist partner who love bombs and makes insincere promises with no intention of keeping them.
Believe trauma bonded and co dependent.
I work self employed and just want to do something else.

Somehow I believe that unless you have actually experienced a world of pain-a therapist can empathise but not really understand.

Somehow I would like to enjoy naivety like most of the population have, its not depression-just a feeling of being lied to, manipulated and on a treadmill of drudgery.
Feel broken
Sure much worse happened to other people.