All of my mental illnesses are taking turns attacking me

^especially when I’m already on the ground^

Throughout the 17 years of my life I’ve experienced quite a few things that I would’ve rather not happened in the first place. (Major trigger warning)


For the first few years, I get bullied, getting the $#%^ beat out of me nearly about 3 times a week as a minimum, the teachers doing nothing and me only being like 8 years old in this weird denial that they were all my friends and playing rough.

Next thing you know my dad cheats on my mom and they always argue, to this day, and when I needed her the most, my oldest sister and basically back up mom ups and leaves the state, promises she’ll come back and never returns.

We get evicted when I turn 11 and end up living in tweakerville galore- great grandpa dies next door to my room and all of my siblings up and leave but one of my older brothers, then he goes and lives with up til a year ago, what did he do those 6 years? Bully me relentlessly. What does mom and dad do? Nothing but find reasons to argue with each other, oh wait not always. Mom laying in her ######6 bed twenty four seven when dad is gone for 1 or more weeks at a time. Wonderful- I make a best friend, she turns out to be my cousin. I feel less alone in a world, she’s my non romantic soul mate right? She moves, comes back and moves again. I’m devastated, all alone again.

Oh look I found my first love, a sweet other girl who I fall in love with, I come out as a lesbian- most of my family accepts me and life is good. Up until I go and ###$ things up, end up going toxic and flying off the rails. Mine and her run ended in a bloody mess. I became confused and wasn’t sure of my sexuality, I was only 15 when someone who I assumed was one of my friends from school messaged me on Facebook. We get close become friends, I find out he’s 18, and I liked the guy, so I was like whatever. He ends up getting more and more sexual about things so I’m like you whattup. And he ends up getting me to send nudes and have sex with him. After the first time, I didn’t want to. But something kept me coming back- so what do I do? Keep doing as he says, later on he tries to get me to have a threesome with his friend, who was unaware I was 15. He tried to make me say I was 18, I refused and cut him out of my life. Later on I had a panic attack, realizing this man wasn’t 18, but in his 20s, and had tried to trick other girls from my school.

So basically I was traumatized, got into week and $#%^. I met a guy, 17 years old, goes to my school. We date, he’s a stoner to. We both end up ditching, screwing all the time, and getting high on the streets. One day me him, his friend and her drug dealer get high together. I get laced with shroom oil and have a life changing shroom trip. After that I decided I wanted to get my life together. Thing is, my boyfriend didn’t want to, so I dumped him. Next thing you know I’m dating another guy within a week I was so done. The guy loves me, but only at school, so I dump him to. But alas, all of my friends think I’m heartless, they hate me, I don’t have my friends or best friend. Everyone thinks I’m a dick, I’m alone again, I try to kill myself multiple times.

Suddenly, junior year comes around and I’m all better. I realize that I am gay, and past mistakes are past mistakes and I want to get my life together. I take a small homophobic slur from some kids, report it, and get told I’m to bold. So the next day I take my rainbow flag off of my wall and wear it as a cape to school the next morning. I meet a girl, im friends with her a few weeks before we go on a date. Everything was going well, she eventually opens up to me about how she was hurt as a girl, I comforted her, and tried to support her. She broke up with me so she could focus on herself, that’s all good. Later on though i developed Pocd because of the in-depth story I was told though. Fun. Junior year goes on as such, and I’m fine. Then comes along senior year- I’m fine for a few weeks then I’m suddenly panicking over global warming and climate change, then growing up and becoming an adult, then I’m having Pocd spikes, getting angry and I hate myself.

Now I’m here, I’ve been in temporary home studies for about 3 to 4 weeks, everyone thinks I’m suspended, no one but my best friend even cares about me, I have to convince myself everyday that I will not die because of global warming and will grow up. I’m so stressed out and the only thing keeping me from *mod edit, suicide* is fear and my best friend. I’ve worked so hard to become someone I could live. I spent years trying to learn how to love myself, getting support from everyone just for them to abandon me in the end. I don’t hate myself I’m just so frustrated. I haven’t felt like myself for 3 months. Life has been a cycle of mental break downs and im just on the verge of tears I can’t even release. I’m so scared all of the time and I’m so tired.