ouroboros

i believe i've been mentally abused by my stepmother. for years and years, there were a million things i could name that provided a consistent, damaging pattern of emotional invalidation and manipulation. her moods affected the entire vibe of the family, my dad worked away from the home for weeks at a time during my middle school years, my brother, sister and i have almost no meaningful relationships with each other, we've had emotional problems to begin with due to my mother's neglect in the days of infancy, the stepmother however blames me, the problem child, for our severely dysfunctional family. while i do admit that my temper, moodiness and behavior as a child could have been better, i refuse to apologize because i will not excuse her for teaching us unhealthy response mechanisms. the relationship with extended family is strained and awkward, i find it hard to be genuine with these people who gave an ear to her as she talked negatively, obsessively, nearly every day for some time, about my prior transgressions, and who either don't care, know she's dramatic, or agree with her perception of me i'm not sure, and in any case, i act like i don't know. even now at 19 as i try desperately to pull my life together i find it extremely difficult controlling my emotions when i am triggered, especially because she's the one who gave those triggers to me. i have recently said awful, hurtful things to her. i just want her to feel the pain she's made me feel. is that wrong? am i the true narcissist in this situation? am i the one needs to clean up this mess?