How does one move on?

How can we help, Kenneth?

WM

You already are helping, and I appreciate that. This is the only place I can talk about stuff like this without people laughing me off the stage. Obviously, no one has to respond to my messages. I am using this topic as an interactive journal.

I just saw a science program today that said that people who write in journals perform better than people who do not. I suppose this helps when I write stuff down instead of just plodding on with these thoughts a burden upon me.

Yes, journaling does help. Keep going.

WM

I'm really losing my ability to function. I can't function with these memories in my mind. Sometimes I wish I had amnesia.

Right now I don't feel like talking about exactly what's been bothering me, but what I can say is that I am losing the will to continue working. I was extremely traumatized when I was institutionalized a long time ago, as well as by my experience at college. It was these two things in succession that really destroyed my ability to function.

It's a tough situation right now.

I realized that the reason I have not been able to accomplish much is because I spend too much time complaining that I don't do anything about it. This is understandable. When I'm under extreme trauma, it is difficult to process the fact that I ought to do something about it. I know better now. Now, I'm going to take action and I won't stop until I complete the mission.

My will is completely broken.

I woke up today from a negative dream. I didn't feel like doing anything. I've already tried everything. The whites and blacks who discriminated against me are still out there. They've never been punished. I was the victim, and I was the only one who was penalized. No one cared.

I'm trying to be a better person than those people who did this to me. Regardless, I'm a professional writer, but my writing sucks. I've tried political activism and no one would listen. People like to steal ideas out there. I do not steal ideas. I do not harm people who do not deserve to be harmed.

For ten years, I have tried to do something about this situation. Nothing works. Nothing ever works.

I feel like giving up.

I keep on having the impulse to do stupid things. I don't know why. It might be because I'm genetically stupid and aggressive.

Right now, I'm trying to get work done, but I keep on flashing back to prison. I keep on thinking I might end up back in there. It's really disturbing and traumatizing.

I'm in a lot of pain right now.

Do you want to tell what kind of stupid things you'd like to do?

WM

I can't tell you what stupid things I had the urge to do because it's personal.

However, I have an even deeper trauma that seems to be crippling me right now. I was deeply traumatized by students and teachers when I was in college. They discriminated against me and my ethnic group. However, it didn't end there.

The doctor I was seeing at the university clinic was really antagonizing me. I got angry at him, and as a result, he sent me to a mental institution. I was abused by the psychiatrist and by other patients. As if it wasn't enough that they abused me in school. I then had to be abused and humiliated by going to an insane asylum. I was also in the middle of nearly getting a book published, and they almost ruined that for me.

I feel like crying right now, but I can't for some reason. What really disturbs me was that I took it so lightly back then. Suddenly, ten years later, the trauma is hitting me. I have a habit of doing this -- not acting soon enough.

I've been a victim my entire life.