How does one move on?

Another problem I have is that I'm going through some memories that have nothing to do with discrimination but are still traumatic. I can't say exactly what they are because it's personal, but it will suffice to say that they are cutting deep into my psyche.

I've already done all I can about this personal problem, but nothing seems to work. I really feel like giving up some days, but I can't.

I'm in a pretty dark place right now.

With this one, I believe, it's imperative to process those memories in your therapy. If your therapist doesn't seem to be able or willing to help you with this processing, I see it as a serious problem that needs to be addressed with him directly. You are the consumer of services, this is your therapy and your needs and desires for how you want your therapy to proceed should be taken into consideration.

WM

I think you're right, WiseMonkey. I addressed those problems with my therapist the other day, but I forgot what he said. I guess I'll bring it up again next time I see him so he can refresh my memory.

I'm beginning to lose sense of reality and time. For some reason, I doubt that the past happened even though I know it happened. I saw it. But my mind is playing tricks on me.

I think it's important for me to think about the past, present and future. People say that I should forget about the past, but I prefer to think about it so I can do something about it. My present and future are devoted to fixing past mistakes. I suppose that's one way to move on.

However, I think I'm going to stay away from the computer for some time. I don't trust myself when I'm feeling this way. I'm not sure if it's the medication that's making me delusional, but I think my most strategic action is to stay away from the computer this weekend.

Do whatever feels right to you. Take care.

WM

I am really losing my mind. I need to focus on my mission, but it's difficult. I tried being like a Terminator. I tried not having any emotions, but this itself can lead to detrimental things. I'm afraid to feel unemotional.

That said, when I feel emotional, I also have the tendency to do detrimental things. I seem to be in a dilemma now, unable to decide how I should conduct my life. I'm afraid of the future. I'm afraid of the past. I am plagued by the fact that Asians suffer from black and hispanic racism every day and I've already tried to do something about it. I have failed thus far.

I’m still reading Kenneth. You sound like you are between a rock and a hard place which is a tough spot to be in. To be honest, I’m not always sure what to say to you, or what the answers are. I really hope you find them though.
Sending well wishes and *hugs*
Jan

Thanks, jan. Nice to know that someone is reading even if they don't know what to say.

Today, I've been feeling better, except I keep on flashing back to this hispanic inmate I met in prison. He hurled a racial slur at me -- "Get the ###$ out of my way! You think you're Chinese and $#%^!" And then a day later, he continued trying to talk to me as though I was his friend. What that means is that he thinks I'll tolerate his abuse. He thought that insulting Asian people was fine. I don't even think he remembered what he did, or why it was wrong.

Needless to say, I'm pretty mad right now. I don't know why I didn't do something to him. In any case, that happened years ago so there's nothing I can do about it now. Even so, it was still pretty traumatizing, even if it came from a loser like him.

What the other inmate said was wrong but he may not have been as motivated by racial hatred as you think. Sometimes when people say hurtful things they just go for the easiest dig, or the thing that will hurt the most. Like if you were black instead of Asian he may well have made a rude comment about blacks. Not because he really had anything against blacks, but because it was the thing he easily noticed to be nasty about.

Or if he knew you were insecure about your intelligence, he would have called you dumb, whether he felt that way or not, because he knew it would get to you. Heck, for some ppl that’s just the way they are. They insult you one minute and are your friend the next.

And not doing something may have been smart. Fighting or more in prison may have gotten you in trouble. It’s good to be able to control yourself in the face of insults.

Janjones is right. If he tried to be friends with you next day after he insulted you, this doesn't look like a racial thing but more like his general nastiness and a habit of taking his own insecurities out on others. I also believe that it was a smart thing to do not to fight him when this happened. I understand that on some level not fighting back made you feel bad about yourself as this usually translates into "I allowed this to happen to me when I shouldn't have", but, in reality, not fighting back under those circumstances requires more strength than doing the opposite.

I also agree that this guy might not have been particularly hostile toward Asians. He was just a jerk in general and could've abused some black or white guy the same way he abused you. You just happened to be around.

WM

I just woke up from a particularly horrid nightmare. I don't feel like getting into details, but it was horrid.

I've seen so many awful things in my thirty years on this planet. I don't know how much more of this I can endure. Every time something bad happens, I try to get over it, but then another bad thing happens. It's like it's not enough that I have to deal with one trauma, but then traumas just keep piling up.

For complicated reasons, I can't do anything about my problems now. There are no solutions because I've already tried everything. Nothing works.

I may end up homeless. I can't find a job.

The situation seems hopeless. I feel like giving up, but I can't.