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How does one move on?

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Re: How does one move on?

Postby Kenneth » Fri Sep 28, 2012 9:40 pm

I can't function.

-- Fri Sep 28, 2012 9:43 pm --

I can't function. There's so much suffering out there. Asians are dying. There is nothing I can do to stop this. I can't function.
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Re: How does one move on?

Postby Kenneth » Sat Sep 29, 2012 4:55 pm

Asians are expected to grovel in this country. We are not offered the same rights as whites and blacks. I've tried everything to change this. I have failed.

I will continue trying even if it is a lost cause.
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Re: How does one move on?

Postby Kenneth » Sun Sep 30, 2012 2:49 pm

I can't get over what happened in the past. I have new traumas rising up in my mind. As if the ones I already had weren't enough to begin with.

Right now, I am recalling when I was in film school and I wrote offensive material against white people. The class went into an uproar even though they were discriminating against Asians. The professor tried to have me expelled. When I spoke to him in an effort to use peaceful protest, he said, "No need to tell me about your troubles. I already know about your lengthy infractions of school policy. You were thrown out of your previous classes because you're a racist and a sexist."

I will never get over it. The double standard. I hate this country.

Furthermore, my own family turned against me. My brother threatened me with physical violence because of my problems at the school. He didn't even want to hear my story. I will never speak to my brother again. He was a spoiled brat who got what he deserved.
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Re: How does one move on?

Postby Kenneth » Sun Sep 30, 2012 5:56 pm

I can't take this much longer.
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Re: How does one move on?

Postby janjones » Sun Sep 30, 2012 9:27 pm

I'm sorry you are hurting Kenneth. It seems you are taking on quite a lot to change what you feel is your entire country's outlook. This may be more than one man alone can do. Before you try to change so much, it may be best to look inside and change what you can for yourself, in your own life, your own outlook and attitudes. You say you hate the world. It's not good for you to hate so much; it will eat you up inside. There are some people that hurt you but the world did not. Some of us would even like to help you. There is goodness and kindness in the world, if you open yourself to seeing it.
*hugs*, Jan
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Re: How does one move on?

Postby Kenneth » Mon Oct 01, 2012 12:35 am

Your suggestion sounds valid, that I must fix my life. However, it's a long road. I'm losing hope that I will ever amount to anything. I've been trying for ten years and I haven't accomplished a single thing.

However, what you said about the world does have some truth. Unfortunately, almost all the people I have met in my life have been bad people. In college, it was nothing but racism and a double standard. I find it difficult to live with that memory. Those people are still out there and I've tried to do something about it by gaining power in the publishing industry, but I am powerless.

My therapist provided me with contradictory information that did not really resolve the problem. He told me to just have the thoughts in my mind while focusing on something else. I've been having these memories while focusing on other things for about a decade now, and in the end, I still have no closure over what happened all those years ago.

Sometimes I wonder why I was ever born Asian. Black people are white people just see my race and spit all over me. They probably don't even remember me or the trauma they caused, but they ruined my life.
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Re: How does one move on?

Postby Kenneth » Mon Oct 01, 2012 4:23 am

They really mistreated me. I can't get over the trauma. The therapist said I will not get over the trauma, and that I must bear the pain while focusing on my tasks at hand. I can't do this much longer.

A part of me wants to confront the people who did this to me, just to talk to them. However, that is not in line with my principles. Why should I treat them cordially after what they did to me?

I wrote a letter of complaint to the people who were responsible for handling this professor who discriminated against me. They had me arrested for harassment. Peaceful protest doesn't work. The only thing these people understand is violence. Yet, if I use violence, I will probably be arrested again. The sad truth is that I am afraid to fight or defend myself because it seems like it always results in my going to jail.

I'm in my late twenties. I wonder how many more years I will have to live with the trauma. I'm completely shut down. I can't get over it. I can't move on. I can't apply to jobs, I can't do a damn thing. I don't want to live in a world like this where Asians are treated like slaves and blacks are treated like kings. I've tried everything to change this. I have failed.

I have no one to turn to. This message board is the only thing I have. My therapists are of no help and my only friend can't return my phone calls because he is too busy. I'm completely in a state of mental ataxia, unable to cope with the countless traumas that have happened to me. Where do I begin?

I can't trust psychologists or psychiatrists. One psychiatrist, the stupid one I mentioned before, told me to surrender to majority opinion. He said I could only fight for a cause if other people were doing it. That's got to be the sickest thing I've ever heard in my life.

I don't know what else I can do.
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Re: How does one move on?

Postby Kenneth » Mon Oct 01, 2012 4:39 am

No one seems to care about the suffering of others. They only care if it affects themselves. I used to be such a calloused person. Perhaps the discrimination I faced a decade ago happened in order to make me a more caring person. I don't believe in fate, but the one positive thing I gained from this abuse was that I care about Asian people even if they are complete strangers.

As you can see, I'm posting a lot of writing on this board. I'm not trying to gain attention or be inconsiderate of the other people who have posted topics, but I can't help it. I've been bearing this pain for years and plodding on, but I am completely destroyed at this point. The memories were like a disease, spreading through me to kill every fiber of my being.

There are a lot of things that I need to do, but I feel like, "What's the point?" Why continue working when I have had to feel this torture every single ######6 day? I'm starting to lose touch with reality. I can't sleep, I can barely eat. I'd really hate to say this because I'm generally a self-sufficient loner, but I would like some help. I hate to admit that I need help, but I do wish someone could make this suffering dissipate.
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Re: How does one move on?

Postby Kenneth » Mon Oct 01, 2012 6:16 pm

I'm becoming confused. I don't know what to do at this point. What the most strategic action is. I'm losing sense of strategy. I don't know what to do.

They ruined my life. They traumatized me. They don't even have the intelligence to understand what they did.
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Re: How does one move on?

Postby Ada » Mon Oct 01, 2012 7:12 pm

I don't know where you are now, but would it be helpful to plan to move to an Asian country, Kenneth? I know racism exists everywhere, but perhaps it would be less of an ongoing theme if there was less race difference for you personally. I appreciate it's not simple to organise or fund, but in terms of setting goals, I wonder if it might be a place to start.

I've been bearing this pain for years and plodding on, but I am completely destroyed at this point. The memories were like a disease, spreading through me to kill every fiber of my being.

That makes sense. I agree that it does seem like the memories are the problem, not the events themselves. You survived the racism, you took what steps you could as a reasonable, rational human being, and when those didn't pan out, you moved on as a survivor. The memories themselves are what's causing pain now, as you say. Painful emotions are embedded in the memories. I see two ways to handle this. I'm not a therapist or psych or qualified in any way, so this is just my own thinking. These may not be right and there are other ways I've not thought of. You could try to unpick the emotions from the events. Yes, bad things happened, but those exact bad things are not happening now, and perhaps there's a way to remember those events without triggering the same emotional response that you had at the time. The other is to start to let go of the memories. To consciously decide not to remember. This thread starts "How does one move on?" and that is one approach. It may not be at all right for you, possibly not for anyone else reading too, it's just a humbly-offered idea. You can't know what kind of man you'd be without having survived those events, because they're a fact of your life now. But you could perhaps think about who you would be without the pain attached to your current re-experience of them.


I saw this short video with Augusten Burroughs today, and found it very powerful on the subject of "healing". Not sure if it might speak to you?
MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING: talks about death of loved ones and rape.
http://edition.cnn.com/video/?hpt=hp_c3 ... roughs.cnn
We think too much and feel too little.
 More than machinery, we need humanity.
 More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness.


Charlie Chaplain in The Great Dictator
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