How does one move on?

taketoo, thanks again for the article. I read the entire thing, but I suppose I'll have to read it again later because I didn't fully understand it.

At this moment, I am feeling a little better. However, at any time, I can revert back to my usual state of depression. I keep on remembering people from the past. The reason for this is probably because I have very few people to deal with in the present. I rarely go outside. The only person I talk to is my probation officer. My best friend never returns my calls because he is too busy. Sometimes, I catch myself talking to myself.

Kenneth wrote:I can't move on. That's the bottom line.

Do you really want to move on? Why?

Maybe there are some benefits for you to hold onto the past, from reading through all your posts, I get a sense that in some ways, your anger and pain works for you. For example, you have written that staying angry motivates you and helps you to write. I assume you are a writer, part of your identity is being a writer. If you let go of your anger and pain from the past, you might lose your motivation to write, then you would lose part of your identity as a writer and fighter for justice for Asians.

I'm sure that there is also a lot of suffering because of your past experiences, but perhaps there is a conflict about really wanting to move on and this is stopping you from making some changes. Its just a thought, maybe something you could talk about with your counselor.

I've done some cognitive behavior therapy in the past and part of it was uncovering unconscious false beliefs and assumptions which prevent positive change.... maybe you have some of these going on.

The title of this thread is "how does one move on?"

There's not one simple method, different things work for different people, but there has to be a willingness to actually do the hard work of change. That means actually putting into practice new tools and techniques which you learn about from your therapist, or suggestions from people on here or from reading things on internet sites which support healing from trauma.

Moving on and healing from trauma requires a willingness to try new ways of thinking and behaving.... actually trying things, and if after giving them a really good try, they don't help, moving on and healing requires that you try something else and then something else and never giving up.

There is a saying which is very true and wise, its something like:

Please give me the strength to change the things I can change, the patience to accept the things I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference.

You can't change other people, none of us can. You can't stop other people from being racist, none of us can, we can only change our own thoughts and behavior and reactions.

Letting go and moving on will begin when you move your focus from trying to change other people and start directing it in the only place where you have any hope of effecting change....yourself.

Yes, you have been treated very badly by other people for most of your life. You didn't deserve to be treated this way. It was wrong. It should never have happened. But that is the nature of this world we live in, its often a horrible place and people often behave in atrocious, evil ways. This is reality....its harsh. You are not going to change this harsh fact of reality.

But you can change you. I can change me. This is pretty much all any of us can do. If we all did this, if we all took responsibility for being the very best human we can be in every moment, then this whole world would change in an instant. Its not likely to happen, but its the only thing which can possibly work to change this world into a nicer place. Its the ONLY way which can possibly work, we all take responsibility for our own thoughts and behavior, regardless of what anyone else is doing or not doing.

I once saw a counselor, I had to see her, it was part my employment agreement. I was having a really hard time because of past trauma and current trauma and basically my whole life as I knew it falling apart around my feet and I was trying desperately to hold it together for me and my children. Well this 'girl', lets call her Brooke, looked like she hadn't really had a problem in her life, apart from perhaps the occasional pimple when she had a date. I would go in there full of stress and fear and panic, wondering how I was going to get through the rest of the day, let alone the rest of the week and we would talk about the things which she decided were relevant to her goal, so she could hit her monthly target. She would give me techniques to use to get me doing what she thought I should be doing, but I needed to talk, I needed someone to understand and care. I was scared and felt completely alone, I just wanted someone to validate my pain. I needed someone to listen and agree with me that all the bad stuff which had happened and was still happening shouldn't have happened, that I didn't deserve that treatment, that it was wrong. I needed to be heard and validated. But she wasn't that kind of counselor, she did more damage to me, she told me that I had a victim mentality and that I needed to stop thinking like a victim. But the truth was, I had been victimized and I still was being victimized, she was basically saying that the way I was behaving and thinking was causing me to be targeted, and she might have been right, but I wasn't in a place at that time to hear what she was saying, and I certainly didn't have the strength to change anything at that time, all my energy was going into just basic survival from one moment to the next.

I'm telling you this because i want you to know that I do understand a lot of what you have endured, I've been there, maybe not in exactly the same way with the same details. But I've been a victim of dysfunctional family systems, violent crime, abandonment, domestic abuse, psychiatric abuse, discrimination and I've been let down by the legal system.

I also have hated this world at times.

But I'm still here and I don't know why. I used to have strong spiritual beliefs, but over the last year, I lost even those. For about 6 months it felt like I had even been abandoned by God (my interpretation of God).

You are not alone in your struggles with life Kenneth. There are thousands or millions of people across the world struggling to come to terms with how to live life as a human being on this awful planet.

I've got no answers for you or myself, but the only thing I know for sure is that something really weird is going on, on this planet, with people, and because I'm here, alive, at this time, then I'm here some some reason, just don't know that reason, and you are too.

We are all here for a reason, to play a part in whatever is unfolding on this big lump of dirt which is spinning through the universe.

If you can't move on, then maybe you are not meant to move on right now, maybe you have something to learn from being struck right where you are. Maybe what you are doing right now, being stuck in your pain and anger and writing about it here on this site is exactly what you are meant to be doing right now.

My two favorite sayings:

That which doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

While there is life, there is hope.

Kenneth wrote:Sometimes, I catch myself talking to myself.

That's the reason a lot of people have pets, for some reason its fine to talk to yourself if there is a dog or can in hearing distance.

Glad you are feeling better today.

Thanks take_too. I too have sought validation. Some people think that seeking sympathy or validation is pity-seeking, but I disagree. It is a way to acknowledge that you have some righteous emotions in you rather than thinking that the world is against you. If you think the world is against you, you will come to think that you deserve the trauma.

I suppose that not moving on has some benefits, as you mentioned. I just have to use it as motivation rather than saying, "What's the point?"

-- Wed Nov 07, 2012 2:00 am --

I just had a really disturbing thought. I had this sudden urge to masturbate, and along with it came some disturbing urges. Urges that I do not want to act on.

I am trying to resist the desire to engage in sexual activity. It is difficult. I am starting to get really boggled. I cannot think straight.

I wish these urges and impulses would fade away. My doctor told me to let these thoughts float away on a metaphorical leaf. I am trying that right now. I am trying to refocus my mind.

Sex is a natural human need or desire, just like needing food and sleep, its not wrong to have a sex drive, its normal.
Masturbation is a great way to satisfy a normal human need when we are not in a relationship or when our relationship doesn't match our particular needs. Also, fantasy is normal and quite human, we are imaginative, creative creatures and it makes sense that we would enhance our sexuality with this quality.
If your particular fantasies are disturbing to you, and yet you are still having them, maybe that's something to work on. I personally don't think there is any harm in anything we may think about, no matter how extreme, the difference is in knowing the difference between fantasy and reality. Thinking about something is very different from actually acting on it and perhaps hurting someone else.

We all have a dark side to our nature, our shadow elements. Some people keep them locked away and never even look at them or experience them, other people are haunted by them in their dreams or even while they are awake. Some people actually accept this side of their nature and in a safe, controlled way, work through these things in an attempt to integrate them into the greater personality.

The important thing is that you don't do anything to hurt yourself or anyone else, thoughts themselves are not harmful, its what we do with them which matters.

great response, take_too. i completely agree.

Kenneth wrote:I wish these urges and impulses would fade away. My doctor told me to let these thoughts float away on a metaphorical leaf. I am trying that right now. I am trying to refocus my mind.

just remember, you don't have to act on those thoughts in any way. masturbation does not count as acting on the thoughts. seems like for you, it might actually help to ease the anxiety and tension that go along with having urges that you find disturbing.

The sexual urges have ceased.

I am, however, still flashing back to things that happened a long time ago. At this moment, I cannot work because the trauma is crippling. I feel extreme hatred towards a certain type of people. I can't remember if things from the past actually happened. I feel like it's me against the entire sick world. I do care about people's suffering. However, no one cares about mine.

I feel anger and sadness, as well as guilt and some fear. I should be doing something about it, and I have done a lot of things about it, but right now, I am frozen.

I've already posted a lot on this forum regarding what exactly happened to me, so I don't think it needs to be reiterated.

I need to see my therapist now.

Kenneth wrote:The sexual urges have ceased.

I do care about people's suffering. However, no one cares about mine.

No one cares about your suffering??? You've got more responses on your thread than most people get!

WM

WiseMonkey wrote:No one cares about your suffering??? You've got more responses on your thread than most people get!
WM

yeah, i'm pretty tired of him at this point so this will be my last. i think people relate to his expression of pain, but then it gets old when he won't take any advice. i've got better things to do.

Sorry, guys. What I said was extreme, and I wasn't trying to piss people off. I'll stop posting on this thread now. Come to think of it, it is pretty long.