Cancel the Surgery Altogether?

Let me start off with a little bit of background. When I was 13, I was in a pretty bad car accident. I had several injuries. The worst being the the seatbelt ruptured my stomach, and I had to have emergency surgery.
This was honestly, not as obviously traumatic as you might think because I don't remember anything from the accident. In fact, there were 3 weeks where I was completely awake in the hospital that I have no recollection of (it's not surprising, I didn't know my own name). Anyway, that amnesia is due to a concussion, a multitude of drugs, and trauma it's suspected.

Here's what's happening now, 8 years later...
I have a hernia on my scar from that surgery, and it's very painful. I want it removed, but I'm really scared of experiencing some kind of repressed memory, or even a flashback of the scary stuff that I do remember. All I know is, I was tied down the majority of the time that I have no recollection of because I was extremely agressive and pulling all kinds of things out of me. I am afraid that I'm going to have some crazy, PTSD reaction where I try to kill someone, or wake up screaming, or just go nuts at the bandages being on my stomach.

They want to do the surgery in 2 days... But they haven't even confirmed it to me yet. I have no time to get situated, and fear for the worst. I asked the surgeon for anxiety medication, but he's not in today, and the girl on the phone said that she didn't know if he could give me that. My therapist agrees with me that I should be stern that I not be aware of the entire situation as to not re-traumatize myself, but according to the girl, I can't even take Ativan? I know that is bull crap, but if he can't give it to me, it would be much worse for them and myself. I hope they know that it's not on me if I try to bite them or something... Anyway, my therapist told me that he'd call the surgeon and stress to him the importance that I be as comfortable as possible, but now he definitely can't call until tomorrow, the day before surgery.

Oh, and by the way, I have absolutely no one in my life capable of calming me down. No one. Should I just wait to have it repaired when I have emotional support? Or should I just do it, and hope I don't kill anyone?

I think you should ask the surgeon for some sort of drug to knock you out so that you don't have to be aware of the surgery going on. Even if it's just something mild to help take the edge off. There is a variety of drugs out there, I'm sure he knows of one that will be appropriate for your situation. I think it would help you greatly to not be so aware of every little thing they are doing while you are in surgery.

I do think however that you should probably have the surgery. If you are in pain and the surgery will stop the pain, that will be worth it I think. And if they have recommended the surgery as the best treatment option, it is probably best to follow their advice.

I'm not surprised you are worried about having a reaction. I think try not to build it up in your head too much and instead think about how wonderful it will be to not be experiencing pain on a daily basis.

By the way, you might want to look up Dissociative Amnesia because it sounds as if you could have also had a bit of that going on with your initial hospital stay after the car accident in addition to the concussion etc. Not sure though, but it does sound possible...

Thanks for your response.
I waited a week after the surgery was initially scheduled, even though it inconvenienced those who cared for me that day. I ended up just taking the 'don't sweat it' stance that whole week, but I did still end up having a panic reaction afterwards. They also gave me Xanax, which helped before the surgery so that was fine. I don't fully remember it though because they knocked me back out with Benadryl. I remember hyper-ventilating and them coming in asking if I knew I was okay.

I kind of feel re-traumatized in a way. Fine in another way...
I see my therapist on Thursday. I don't know what to think.

Well done for having the courage to go through with the surgery, that is very brave. I'm glad you got through it and that it's done now, hopefully that will help your pain go away. I'm sorry to hear that you had some panic reaction to it, I think you did so well to hang in there until it was all over with. I think it will be helpful for you to talk about it with your therapist and to get out the feelings about the experience so that it's not so trapped inside, unexpressed. Hopefully talking about it will make you feel better about it and give you confidence to know that if you ever need to go through any surgery like that again, you will be able to manage. I hope you come away from this experience knowing what a good job you did to get through it and realising that your reaction isn't as bad as what you thought it might be.