The Nightmares of the Past

I've been haunted by many traumas that I experienced in the past. It's making it difficult to focus on the present like I ought to be.

I'm also thinking about things that might happen in the future. I'm concerned because these things might actually happen. I suppose the best thing to do is to behave more or less like a machine. However, it's more difficult than it sounds.

This may sound like self-pity, but it seems that I have an abnormal amount of bad luck. I won't go into details because it's personal, but the amount of misfortune that I've had far exceeds that of natural probability. I wonder if there's a force that causes this. A supernatural force that induces good luck and bad luck.

I am trying hard to do something about this, but the injustice that society inflicts upon Asians really breaks down people's wills.

It's the middle of the night. I don't want to wake up my neighbors with my typing, but this is an emergency.

I am being overwhelmed by trauma I experienced in the past, as well as trauma I am experiencing right now in the present. I lost my job, and I am in a legal situation that could very well lead to something incredibly awful. I can't go into details, but I am being overwhelmed.

One reason I have such bad memories is because I was never in touch with my anger until long after the trauma occurred. I'm not sure why I did not feel anger immediately or take action immediately. I guess I was embarrassed about being angry. I had low self-esteem. As if that wasn't enough, my own family turned on me. My parents have blamed me for everything bad that's happened in their lives. I have to admit that I hate my parents and the mental abuse they inflicted on me.

It's been nine years since the day my life was ruined. Those who were responsible have not been brought to justice. I have been working to bring them to justice, day in day out, but I have not achieved much. I have accomplished a lot, but right now, I have lost my will to fight.

I am concerned that I might do something to help my enemies. It sounds strange, but sometimes I get these incredible feelings of euphoria, in which I actually feel like helping my enemies. If this happens, I don't know if I will ever forgive myself. There's already so much pain, so much I cannot forgive myself for.

Even as I write this, I am descending deeper into complete psychosis. I am losing sense of reality. I can't take this much longer.

I really need help. I'm thinking of doing things that will have extremely negative consequences. I can't go into detail. I really need help, and I don't know where to turn to except this board. Psychiatrists are largely responsible for my inability to think clearly. I need help.

These thoughts are really starting to affect me. I can't really say what these thoughts are, but if I were to act on them, the consequences would be extreme.

My therapist tells me that these are just thoughts and that I should think in the present. He also tells me that if I just let these thoughts be there without taking them seriously, they will have no effect. It's harder to do than it sounds. I've had the same conversation with him about 20 times now, and I still can't seem to do what he's suggesting. It's a really difficult task.

I am trying to think like a machine, but it is difficult when emotions sometimes can help me behave strategically.

Hi Kenneth. What's going on? You sound like you are in a bad way at the moment...

If you think you are in danger of acting on the bad thoughts that would have extreme consequences, have you thought of maybe taking yourself to the hospital? Please keep yourself and others safe by doing this if that is what you need to do...

What have you been thinking about doing? There is no harm in you talking about the bad thoughts here so that you can get some help with this...

Please keep safe Kenneth and as for help if you need to. I am so sorry to hear you are struggling.

Hugs

Cracked

Hi salted lipstick. A lot has been going on. I don't even know where to begin. It's one thing after another. I'm trying to find a way to distract myself, to do something productive. There is nothing productive I can do aside from looking for a new job, and I can't do that on weekends. I don't want to go to the hospital because part of the trauma I experienced comes from psychiatrists.

What I have thought about doing is very bizarre and complicated. My therapist said that I should just let the thought be there in order to make it lose its power. That is harder to do than it sounds.

Thanks, Crackedgirl.