I'm thinking of doing irrational things

I'm having difficulty controlling my emotions. I seem to jump from happiness to anger in a matter of seconds. One minute, I like people, the next minute, I hate them. I keep telling myself to think slowly, but it's a lot harder than it sounds.

In my mind, I've played out what would happen if I did certain things. Negative as the consequences would be, I still imagine doing them. Again, the only solution is to take things slowly and think slowly, but again, I'm having a great deal of trouble. I don't know how much longer I can last.

My therapist suggested that I think only in the present. I've done this for about a week with adequate success, but I've reverted to thinking about the past and future.

I'd like to do something about it, but the only thing I can do about it is think slowly. As I mentioned twice, that is difficult even though it sounds really easy.

I can't cope with the past. I have been abused severely by all sorts of people, most of which wasn't even physical. I don't know why I didn't tell anyone. Maybe I was embarrassed about being a victim.

It's really breaking down my will. I don't know how much longer I can last. I'm having trouble at work. I'm having trouble at home. I can't think straight. I can't think straight.

The problem is my emotions. Sometimes I feel incredible rage, the next minute I feel elation. I suppose the only thing I can do is remain completely unemotional like a Terminator. However, I'm not sure how long I can keep up such an unemotional personality.

I fear that I will not be able to get through the workday tomorrow. I'll try my best.

Regardless of my concentration, I can't seem to control myself from doing things that will lead to negative consequences. Right now, the most strategic option is to act more or less like a robot, but that is difficult to do. I know the best psychotherapy for any trauma is to do something about it, but willpower is a factor in taking action. My willpower is almost broken.

Another problem with trying to act like a machine is the issue of sexual urges. I can't resist the urge to masturbate, which disrupts my ability to function correctly. I'm not religious, so I don't think there's anything wrong with having sex with oneself. However, these periods of arousal reduce my ability to think clearly and strategically. Thus, it is a problem.

As I write this, my ability to think clearly is continuing to diminish. I must act like a machine, but I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

Do you take any meds to help you control your mood swings?

I do. They do not work. Next time I see my doctor, I'm going to ask for a higher dosage.