I'm not thinking straight again

I've been trying to focus on a project for an hour, but disturbing thoughts are starting to flood my mind.

I've been abused severely in the past. Normally, when this happens, the victims tend to believe that they deserve it. Even though I'm aware of this, I too am starting to think that I deserve it.

I obviously know this is not rational thinking, but the impulse to blame myself for the wrongs of others is starting to become overwhelming. It's even come to the point where I feel the urge to lash out at my own friends merely because they are associated with me and therefore deserve to be punished. Obviously, they do not deserve to be punished and neither do I.

It is disturbing that I am even having these thoughts, and they are causing me to lose my mind. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. I feel pain both because of my past, my present and the future.

It doesn't help that my own family doesn't support me. My family hates me because I don't conform to their beliefs. I have done nothing to harm them, and they abused me because I'm abnormal. I hate them.

I really need psychotherapy now, but I don't have time. I need to finish this project.