Dealing with a mother who poisons

My mom is a muncher and subjected me to her abuse for years. She's a master at manipulating others into seeing things her way, of hiding the truth, of avoiding responsibility, etc. I'm not going to go into all her faults or this is going to turn into a rant about everything I hate about her and it'll be too long of a post.

We've been mostly estranged for a few years. I can't deal with her manipulation and mental games. Her husband is a huge dick too. Whenever I'm around her I feel like a small child again. It's not easy to make me feel like that either. People usually think I'm a strong, independent person.

Somehow, she found out where I lived and popped by out of the blue the other day with her husband. This isn't something I ever expected because she lives in another country.

Ever since then, I can't sleep. I'm SCARED she's going to keep inviting herself over and imagining some type of deep bond with my daughter. I don't want my daughter getting used to her or developing any kind of trust in her. I feel cut to half my size, powerless and without options. So, so angry.

This is the scary part: a few hours after she left, my husband went for a walk and didn't come back. I got a call at midnight from the police saying he was at the hospital and they thought he'd been drinking and taking drugs. He has a history of alcohol & drug abuse so it wasn't something I questioned. He spent 3 days in the hospital and after the first day the doctor pulled me aside to say that his toxicology screen came back negative and there was nothing they could find in his system that would cause the episode. He said it was likely a seizure, but most people who have seizures don't black out for 7 hours and go into a catatonic stupor until the next day.

I think mom poisoned him with something she knew the hospital wouldn't test for. She's trying to get him away from me and our daughter to inflict damage and gain control over me again.

My Christmas is ruined. We cannot go to see family because she might be there, we can't keep our curtains open because she keeps driving by and looking in, and I have no legal grounds to get a restraining order (even if I did, she's gone in a week). Ignoring her doesn't work very well - it only angers her, and she's getting angrier by the hour. We've had to unplug the phone because she's leaving nasty voice messages that even my husband can't stomach listening to.

I don't know what to do. This is the scariest thing to happen for a very long time. The nightmares are back in technicolor, my jaw keeps clenching, my body aches all over, I'm throwing up, and I'm just so damn scared of EVERYTHING. Afraid to take a walk, afraid to call friends & family for fear they'll tell her what I said, afraid to do anything but wall us up in the house and not leave until she's out of the country again. I'm literally shaking right now and having a hard time to type.

You have a narcissistic mother. They can be like this, scary.
Keep the telephone calls do not unplug, record, video, keep a dairy get evidence of her craziness. Get a restraining order.
Look up 'gaslighting'.

She's a narc, among other things... basically a big bundle of emotional poison. She went into what I can only describe as a false anxiety attack to gain attention, but my husband saw right through it and laughed instead of playing into it. I'm pretty sure that sealed his fate.

Gaslighting. Yes. I knew she does this but didn't know there was a specific term for it. I do have diaries documenting her abuse, starting from the age of 8. Only about half of them survived since she'd steal and destroy them if I didn't hide them well enough. The abuse I've gone through has forced me to document almost everything in my life in case someone tries to do the same thing. Thanks for pointing that out to me because it explains some of my compulsive, protective nature.

Sounds like a bad situation... How are you doing now?

I'm mostly intact. Haven't been able to sleep well and have been holed up in my place for fear of going outside. I heard she left town today to go back home so it's a bit of a relief. She stayed longer than originally planned.

It'll probably take a few weeks to feel ok again.

At least it's good that you are on the path to feel ok again now that she is gone. It is really awful to be cooped up inside and feeling like you don't want to go outside because of it.

My mother skilfully worked her way into my house today, I wasn't very happy to have her there. I don't know how she managed to manipulate me like that. It's the first time I've had her in my house since I moved in 9 months ago. So I had a small taste of the fear you've been going through lately too.

There's a sense of helplessness when your own personal space is invaded. Your mom sounds similar to mine in that you can try your best to keep them out most of the time, but when they're hell bent on getting their way, it;s best to just get it over with.

I feel really defeated. Sort of resigned that this is going to happen again and again. The only other option is to get the legal system involved and I have a healthy fear of that as well. Either way, I lose.

Yeah it can be hard to know what to do in a situation like that, whether to involve the legal system or not. I've often wondered if I could do that with my Mum because I think a lot of people just don't take it seriously when you say you want your Mum kept away from you. I seem to get lots of comments like "oh, don't be so harsh, all mother's are a bit annoying" or "you can't mean that when you say you don't want her around you or your house? surely you love your mother?". It's so invalidating. I think people with good mothers must just expect all mums to be like that. And that's just not the case.

ladyswan wrote:There's a sense of helplessness when your own personal space is invaded. Your mom sounds similar to mine in that you can try your best to keep them out most of the time, but when they're hell bent on getting their way, it;s best to just get it over with.

Wow, that sums up perfectly about how I feel when my mother is around. That's so it. You summed it up just right.

ladyswan wrote:I feel really defeated. Sort of resigned that this is going to happen again and again.

I feel like that at the moment too. I know my therapist is trying to get me to see the ways in which I can take back my power and have control over the situation again. If I work out what helps, I'll be sure to let you know.