my hell

when I was 14 my mom divorced my step father and move me and my 3 year old brother to live with someone she met over the internet. When we got there he turned out to be controlling and extremely abusive. Half the time I was scared that he would kill me and the other half I wanted him to just so that he would go to jail and me and my little brother didn't have to deal with the pain anymore. Just to let you know when I say abusive I don't mean spanking or a slap across the face. I've had my head slammed through a wall, I was pinned down and repeatedly slapped til my nose was broken, I had a cut under my eye from his nails, I had a fat lip and the inside of my mouth was bleeding from my teeth hitting the inside of my cheek. He didn't consider slapping hitting. He choked me til I was unconcious, he's held a knife to my throat and thrown me out of the house by my hair. My best friends mom worked as a social worker at a foster agency so she was requiered to put in a police report. The police came to school and took pictures of my injuries, but my mom refused to press charges so the police never even talked to her boyfriend. I tried running away but my mom would just put out a police report and the police would bring me home. School was my sanctuary it was the only place I felt safe where I knew he couldn't hurt me. when I was 15 a friend of mine told me about Harry's Mother, it's a shelter in portland, OR for runnaway teens under the age of 18. They permision from your parents and allow you to stay for 2 weeks and provide counseling. I spent more time there than I did at home. When I turned 16 one of the counselors there told me about Job Corps. So, I applied my mom allowed me to go. I was so glad I was getting away after 2 years I finally got away. When I was 17 I was about to graduate job corps and I didn't want to go home so I joined the military. Now, I'm 20 years old and I still have horrible flashbacks of things that happened back then or I'll see things that might happen if I ever see him again, or I'll see him killing my mom or little brother. They're like nightmares but I'm awake. Over the past 4 years I've suffered from depression, axiety, panic attacks, and haven't been able to have a decent relationship because I always find some reason to end the relationship because in one way or another they remind me of my mom's boyfriend. I was just a few days ago diagnosed with PTSD. By the way my mom's still with the same guy after 6 years, my 9 year old brother moved in with his dad 3 years ago, and my mom's boyfriend never got any reprocutions for what he did. Now I'm getting out of the military and I'm going to have to visit my mom which means seeing him. I haven't seen him, my mom, or my little brother in 3 years. I'm scared and I don't know what to do.

I am so sorry that you had to edure that. I have PTSD as well, reminants of it and have had it since I was 16..

You said you were diagnosed a few days ago, so is that mean that you are in some sort of therapy?

Flashbacks are extremely hard to go through, and very scary. I don't get flashbacks personally like people usually do when they have been through a trauma, where they see it playing before their eyes. I get body memories, triggers etc, where my body will feel it but I wont know the cause for it. Mine was due to an abusive relationship at 16 which was emotional, verbal, physical, sexual and mentally abuse, included rape as well. After him I was assaulted by 8 other guys... between the years of 1996-2001.

It took me a long time to be able to deal with all of that.
And I have through therapy, and learning to cope when the flashbacks occur, or if memories resurface.

I know it's a long, hard road, I went down it and made it.. you will too hon. I'm hope things start to look up for you.

IF you ever need to talk feel free to PM me anytime.